- Today’s Big Stuff
- 1.18.24 Bad faith
1.18.24 Bad faith
It’s Thursday. There are 291 days until the presidential election. Republicans don’t want a border deal, Trump wants FULL IMMUNITY and Democrats go on offense on abortion rights.
Be advised: This newsletter cusses like any judge in a Trump trial ought to.
Note: Hey Sexy Patriots! Did anyone else spend way too much time yesterday wondering WHAT THE FUCK is on Trump’s hand?
YIKES!!! What even is that?! Like we wouldn’t have shaken that asshole’s hand to begin with but dude that is messed up. We’ve seen a lot of speculation about what that might be but we thought we’d just go to the source. So here now is an interview with the fucked up shit on Trump’s hand…
TBS: So what the hell are you?
Fucked Up Shit on Trump’s Hand: Beats me! I wouldn’t touch me though.
TBS: Well obviously. But how do you not know what you are? Are you syphilis? Leprosy?
FUSOTH: Maybe! But so what if I am? Isn’t it gross enough that I’m a part of Donald Trump’s hand? Hell I’m still not as gross as that shithole he calls a mouth.
TBS: Well you got us there. But you really don’t know what you are?
FUSOTH: Ok fine. The truth is Trump is such a horrible piece of shit that even his own skin is trying to get away from him. The skin on his hand just made a break for it first.
TBS: Well that actually makes sense. But so does syphilis.
FUSOTH: Fair point, guys. Shake on it?
TBS: Naw, we’re good.
So there you have it. Either Trump’s skin is trying to make a run for it or that motherfucker has syphilis. And really we don’t care. Let’s just beat his ass at the polls. And never ever ever touch him. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: Trump’s lawyer had a really bad day in court yesterday. It’s either because Trump is guilty as hell or she’s just a crap lawyer. Or both. Yeah, it’s definitely both. Sending love to E. Jean as she endures another day of cruel incompetence. More: Business Insider
Note three: It’s hard to describe just how much Dean Phillips sucks butt. Mostly because we have no idea who the fuck he is. More: Notus
Note four: Joe Biden’s campaign raised $1.6 million in the 24 hours since the Iowa caucuses. And only like 14 people voted in them caucuses. So that seems positive. More: The Hill
Note five: Speaking of Biden 2024, here are a couple polls showing Dark Brandon beating Orange Fuckhead. We’re sure the New York Times will be all over these any minute now…
Note six: No Labels says that they have to run for president because John Fetterman wearing a hoodie on the Senate floor is the same as Jan. 6. No, we are not making this up. More: Notus
Note seven: Btw, that’s twice we’ve linked to something called NOTUS. We have no idea what or who they are, but those are good stories. Let’s hope they don’t fuck it up.
Note eight: Well this is the funniest thing we’ve seen in ages. Fake moderate human garbage Nancy Mace is getting a primary challenge. From her former chief of staff. LOLOLOL!!!!! More: Politico
Note nine: Ok we were wrong. This is the funniest thing we’ve seen in ages. DeSantis is shifting his campaign away from New Hampshire. Ok bro, but um where are you gonna go? More: AP
Note 10: We are hard on CNN because they tend to suck a lot, but this is some really important journalism. North Carolina, you’ve been warned…
Note 11: Trump is seriously eyeing Elise Stefanik to be his running mate and that’s just about the best news we’ve ever heard. Her endorsement of George Santos worked great! More: NBC
Note 12: The Supreme Court was super scary and broken and corrupt yesterday. Now we just have to wait and see if they’ll destroy the federal government. More: Vox
Note 13: The White House apologized to Asa Hutchinson yesterday because someone at the DNC made a joke about nobody knowing who Hutchinson was when he dropped out. The beltway civility police were crying about it because it makes them feel tough after a long day of being afraid of Trump. More: AP
Note 14: Who the fuck is Asa Hutchinson?
Note 15: Can someone tell us what in the living hell this deranged dumbshit is talking about? Liquid gold? Is he talking pee tapes again?
Note 16: The Fifth Circuit nutjobs actually agreed with decent Americans over book bans. Yeah, we’re totally shocked too. More: Texas Tribune
Note 17: DeSantis said that “every booster you take, you’re more likely to get COVID as a result of it.” How is it possible this idiot managed to sound dumber than Trump even when Trump was calling corn non-liquid gold? More: Yahoo
Note 18: The Vice President absolutely crushed it on The View yesterday. Can we please hear from her more? More: ABC
Note 19: Y’all know we like to end on a happy note, so today we thought we’d share Sen. Laphonza Butler’s first Senate floor speech. More: C-SPAN
Note 20: And on that goosebumps-inducing note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having an awesome short week. We also hope you have never ever ever shaken Trump’s hand. But we’ve always hoped that. Love y’all!
MAGA Mike Johnson keeps pretending he wants a border deal with the White House in exchange for Ukraine funding and keeping the government running even while he keeps saying he doesn’t actually want a border deal with the White House. Why? Well he talks to Trump all the time and Trump is telling him not to make a deal with Biden. You’d think this obvious fact would be central to all reporting and discussions about the border but for some reason the press just doesn’t really care that much that the Jan. 6 asshole who spent yesterday at a defamation trial with the woman he raped is basically running the US House of Representatives.
Speaking of Trump, last night on Truth Social he went on an all-caps rant about how presidents have to have “FULL IMMUNITY” from prosecution. He wrote “EVEN EVENTS THAT ‘CROSS THE LINE’ MUST FALL UNDER TOTAL IMMUNITY.” Um fuck that, orangey. Does everyone see how completely batshit insane this is?! Ok good.
More: Rolling Stone
Let’s fucking go!!!
On Tuesday, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris are doing their first joint campaign appearance and it will be to talk about the destruction of women’s rights on the 51st anniversary of Roe v. Wade. They’re going to make clear what Trump’s abortion bullshit has done to women across the country. Between this and the VP’s appearance on The View yesterday, we really like what we’re seeing from this campaign. Trump ended Roe and stripped millions of women of basic human rights. That’s exactly what the fuck we should all be talking about.
Police officials who responded to the deadly school shooting in Uvalde, Texas “demonstrated no urgency” in setting up a command post and failed to treat the killings as an active shooter situation, according to a Justice Department report released Thursday that identifies “cascading failures” in law enforcement’s handling of one of the deadliest massacres at a school in American history. More: HuffPost