11.7.23 Seems guilty to us

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like holy fucking shit it’s Election Day!

Note: Greetings and salutations, Sexiest of Patriots. We come to you today like CNN likes to imagine Donald Trump — with a new tone. Worry not. We shall return to our normal poop-joking selves tomorrow if not later in this same newsletter. But today is Election Day, and we thought we’d try something a little different.

It occurred to us just how easy it is to get lost in the endlessly bleak bullshit that is pelting this fine nation and wrecking our brains. We spend so much time cussing and mocking the scumbags, suckasses and shiteaters of the political world that we sometimes lose sight of all the good folks out there. So today we just want to say thank you.

Thank you to the candidates and the campaign staff who have been busting their asses to deliver victories today. Thank you to the election workers who said goddamn the idiots who send threats because democracy is just too important to leave unattended. Thank you to the three good reporters who remember that the world needs watchdogs. And thank you to every last one of you in the Sexy Patriot Universe for giving a damn, fighting like hell and looking sexy as a mofo while doing it.

Y’all have heard us say it a million times that we started this newsletter five years ago for a few friends. The goal was to make ourselves laugh instead of cry during some challenging and unprecedented times. And while that goal hasn’t changed, there are now roughly a shitload more friends than just the few we started this for. So while your ass sweats and your anxiety is off the charts waiting for results tonight, please know how grateful we are to you for being in this fight with us. It has meant the absolute goddamn world to us.

It’s like Mr. Rogers said, look for the helpers and fuck the haters. Or something like that. Y’all have a blessed day, remember to vote and let’s go win some shit today.

Note two: Virginia, you seriously need to get your hot asses out there and vote. Fleece vest Fuckhead is just openly saying he’s coming for abortion if he gets the votes he needs. Y’all got this!

Note three: Y’all probably know that Sam is a Kentuckian. And we’re here to tell you that Andy Behsear has been about the best governor the Bluegrass State has ever had. Do the right thing, Kentucky, and give this man another four years. You won’t regret it. More: ABC

Note four: Ohio, pretty fucking please with fucking sugar and a fucking cherry on top VOTE YES ON ISSUE 1!!! This one is huge and it has Republicans terrified. Let’s haunt them with this shit forever. More: NPR

Note five: Pennsylvania, DO NOT put batshit crazy on the state Supreme Court. Would you want batshit crazy flying your plane or performing your operations? Of course not. So vote for the non-batshit crazy option. More: WRAL

Note six: Don’t just take it from us. Take it from Dark Brandon.

Note seven: We have to admit that as much as we like Brandon Presley, we’ve been a little skeptical about whether he can win in Mississippi. But after watching the whole Trump family bombard the state in the closing hours of the campaign, we’re wondering just how worried the red team is on this one. More: USA Today

Note eight: Everyone remember to be like Outkast tonight and be cooler than a polar bear’s toenails. After the last several cycles, we know that sometimes the early numbers look scary as fuck and then everything starts to make sense again. So take deep breaths and wait for all the dust to settle.

Note nine: Did y’all know there’s a Republican debate tomorrow night? We didn’t either. Had no idea. To be honest, we’re not even sure who’s still running. Did Tim Scott drop out? More: HuffPost

Note 10: We get that some folks might not like the Democrat vs. Democrat attack here, but we have to say that we continue to find John Fetterman’s honesty pretty goshdamn refreshing. More: HuffPost

Note 11: Well it’s pretty fucking horrifying to see the people who get bomb threats called into schools and children’s hospitals this proud of their work. This kind of evil seems like a pretty big fucking story to us.

Note 12: MAGA Mike Johnson once said abortion was like the Holocaust. So yeah he’s a totally normal lunatic freakshow that we must defeat. More: CBS

Note 13: Goddamnit. We are heartbroken to see that the cop who put Elijah McClain in a chokehold was found not guilty. By all accounts, McClain was a beautiful innocent soul who was just walking home when he was murdered. Where is the justice? Where is the outrage? More: CPR

Note 14: That last note really hurts. Let’s try to switch gears if we can and laugh at Dean Phillips being a dipshit. More: CNBC

Note 15: House Republicans haven’t stopped going after Hunter Biden. They can’t do the most basic shit of governance but they can fuck with a struggling drug addict all day long. Goddamn the press who enabled this crap. More: NBC

Note 16: This is a Letitia James appreciation note. And frankly we don’t do enough of them.

Note 17: A lot of Democrats are calling on Sen. Bob Menendez to resign. Mostly because we’re not in a corruption-loving butt-kissing cult. So fucking resign already, Bob.

Note 18: A White House reporter applied for that Taylor Swift reporting gig. We all know it was Doocy. And we all know he didn’t get the job because his dad isn’t Taylor Swift. More: HuffPost

Note 19: Let’s end today on a cool sports note. The US National Women’s Team — you know, the one with all those trophies — has hired a new coach and it’s a big one. Congratulations to Emma Hayes, the coach of Chelsea who will now be leading the US back to glory. An exciting hire! More: Just Women’s Sports

Note 20: And on that fun and hopefully distracting note, let’s go do some news! We know today is gonna be stressful as all hell. Just remember that no matter what happens, TBS loves you and we’ll be here to cuss and shit with you tomorrow. Until then, get your smoking hot asses out there and win some fucking elections!!! Love y’all!

Seems guilty to us

So Trump testified in his fraud trial yesterday and he made a complete ass of himself. And while most of the news is focused on his theatrics and tantrums, the thing to probably focus on is his dumb orange ass admitting that he lied about the values of his properties. So yeah he did the shit the judge and the prosecutors have already said he did. But also, maybe this judge should take control of his courtroom a little more. We’re pretty sure he wouldn’t put up with this crap from anyone else.

More: HuffPost, HuffPost

Meet the same dumbass

Same as the old dumbass. Yeah, Republicans might have finally elected a Speaker of the House, but they still ain’t planning on doing any governing. MAGA Mike and his creepy ass cult appear hellbent on shutting down the government again on Nov. 18. We’re seeing them trying to defund the FBI, hurt Ukraine and all kinds of other deranged messed up shit and we already know that neither the Senate or the White House are gonna go for it. So get ready for the coup people to fuck with America again.

More: NBC

An important thing to remember

So yeah, this weekend’s polls spooked the living shit out of everyone. And tonight’s election results have the potential to do the same. But there is one very very very important thing to remember — outside of his cult, Trump is despised by the American people. The problem is it’s just a big damn cult. Buried in a new Ipsos/ABC poll are Trump’s favorable/unfavorable numbers and they ain’t great. Only 29 percent of voters have a favorable view of him and 60 percent have an unfavorable view. It’s almost like most normal decent people aren’t down with a twice impeached 91-time indicted fuckhead who attacked our Capitol and hates our country. We can sure understand why.

More: ABC

Today’s clips

Prosecutors from special counsel Jack Smith’s office urged the judge overseeing the federal election interference case against Donald Trump to reject the former president’s attempts to dismiss the charges against him on constitutional grounds, saying his arguments rely on “distortions and misrepresentations.” More: CNN

The Supreme Court hears arguments Tuesday in a case that could invalidate the federal law barring guns for anyone who is the subject of a domestic violence court order. If the federal law falls, so would similar laws in most states, and other important gun laws. More: NPR