1.16.24 Go Joe!

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it spent yesterday reading social media posts about MLK Day from a bunch of racist shitheads.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! And welcome to a short week. We’ve just gotta ask — What did you watch last night? Football? The Emmys? Your loved ones' beautiful smiles? The Iowa caucuses? We’re hoping for your sake it was any of the first three. And if so don’t worry because we got you. Trump won. Like everyone knew he would because Republicans have totally and completely lost their motherfucking minds. The good news is only like 17 people showed to vote. The bad news is those 17 people are real America according to the news media. Real America or not, we just know they’re real fucking crazy.

Did you hear that one guy literally froze his pecker off?! He went to the caucus wearing a speedo he made out of a red MAGA hat and he got penis frostbite and lost his lil’ johnson. Ok that’s not true but admit it — you thought it could be for a second. And maybe it is. What we do know for sure is that we’re up against a dangerous cult that went out in deadly weather to vote for the fucking asshole who attacked our Capitol and oh yeah tried to end our democracy. Be fucking terrified, SPs. Is this a cool message? No and normally we say these shitheads are too dumb and too pathetic to fear. But zombies aren’t much on smarts or personality either and they’ll still eat your fucking brains. So yeah our new message is simple — be fucking terrified and then get to work doing all the shit you can do to win this year because the alternative is fucking terrifying. Y’all have a blessed day. Except for those 17 Iowa Republicans. They need to go sit in the corner and think about what they’ve done. More: Fox

Note two: Who should we laugh at first? Ok let’s start with Vivek. We’re already starting to forget this asshole exists and it feels wonderful. But we have to admit we would’ve bet the farm that DeSantis would’ve dropped out first.

Note three: Nikki Haley, who came in third to an insurrectionist rapist and the loser we keep referring to as Pudding Fingers, says it’s now a two-person race. We have no idea who she’s talking about. More: Des Moines Register

Note four: We know we’re freaks because we’re actually glad we get to make fun of DeSantis for a few more weeks. He’s like our new pudding-fingered Giuliani.

Note five: Oh and by the way we’re up against a seriously dangerous cult of dumbfucks that scares the living shit out of us…

Note six: This winter weather is no joke. We even thought about taking a snow day, but then we realized we were just being lazy. Be safe out there, SPs. More: AP

Note seven: All the winter weather gave Ted Cruz an opportunity to remind everyone that he sucks. Like really really really sucks. More: Independent

Note eight: Oh and Cruz cursed another Texas team. LOLOL!!! Though to be fair we think you can put this one on Jerry Jones too. More: HuffPost

Note nine: We didn’t think the media could get much worse. And then a right-wing nutjob bought the Baltimore Sun. Fuck. More: WRAL

Note 10: We’ll talk more about this in the news section, but we wanted to remind y’all the reality of what’s happening with Trump today…

Note 11: Desperate Dingus Dean Phllips spent the weekend trying to prop up his joke of a campaign with help from super racists Elon Musk and Bill Ackman. Boy does this guy get what Democratic primary voters care about. LOL. Drop out, Dean. And then fuck off. More: The Hill

Note 12: According to CNN exit polls, 58 percent of Iowa caucus goers want a national abortion ban. As far as we’re concerned, they can kiss 58 percent of our ass.

Note 13: House Republicans have royally fucked up their bullshit Hunter Biden attacks so they’re issuing new subpoenas and putting the contempt vote on hold. It’s almost like these fucking idiots are fucking idiots. More: Yahoo

Note 14: So we’re totally in shock over this but Sen. Ron Wyden struck a bipartisan tax deal that would give Republican a-holes some business tax breaks in exchange for bringing back and expanding the child tax credit. We can’t imagine this is actually going to become law, but goddamn we’d sure love to see it. More: NBC

Note 15: Did you spend yesterday with steam coming out of your ears after reading social media posts about MLK from racist fuckers? Yeah, we did too. But you gotta hand it to RFK Jr. for taking it to another level. What a moron.

Note 16: Last week, a woman and two children drowned trying to get into the US. Texas literally stopped border patrol from trying to save them. So once again Texas Republicans are killing women. This is so fucked up. It’s even more fucked up that this was barely news. More: CNN

Note 17: Fox News stopped airing the MyPillow guy’s ads because the MyPillow guy is broke. He still thinks his ads should run though. Communist. More: Axios

Note 18: If you read one thing today, please read this story about Hadley Duvall, a rape survivor in Kentucky who helped Andy Beshear win re-election and who is now fighting for rape exceptions to fucked up abortion bans. More: Jezebel

Note 19: We like to end on a positive note and for that we’re going to the Emmys. We mostly just want to praise Quinta Brunson. There was so much to love last night but we are so crazy about Abbott Elementary and we were thrilled to see Brunson win. Now please for the love of dog give us some new episodes. More: CNN

Note 20: And on that fun note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all had a wonderful extended weekend. Enjoy this short week, stay warm and sexy and please stay the hell away from Iowa Republicans. Those fuckers are crazy!

Sign up!

Do you need access to affordable healthcare? Well you’re in luck. You can still sign up for Obamacare before midnight tonight. Yes you can join the record 20 million other Americans who signed up. And then we should probably get our hot asses to work stopping the orange monster who is pledging to do away with this popular and important program if he wins re-election. Sound good?

More: Healthcare.gov

Go Joe!

We know there are a lot of people peeing themselves over Joe Biden’s re-election prospects. And to be honest, our pants aren’t completely dry either. But the massive fundraising number Biden-Harris just posted should make us all feel better. The campaign raised a shocking $97 million in the last quarter of 2023 and now has $117 million on hand. That’s like three times more than what Trump raised btw. Let’s keep it going and win this fucking race. Our democracy depends on it.

More: AP

So fucking gross

So yeah Trump won the Iowa caucuses in a landslide. And then he flew to New York to face off against E. Jean Carroll again. He should’ve stayed in Iowa because E. Jean keeps handing him his fucking lunch. Since a judge declared Trump a rapist and said that he defamed Carroll, Trump can’t stop defaming her. He was already ordered to pay her $5 million. But he couldn’t shut his disgusting mouth so she took him back to court. Let’s hope she gets Mar-a-Lago this time. Oh and maybe Republicans should stop supporting a goddamn rapist.

More: Politico

Today’s clips

Elton John has officially achieved EGOT status. The musical icon won his first-ever award for TV excellence at Monday night’s 75th Emmys, making him part of the elite club of entertainers with an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar and Tony. More: HuffPost

Asa Hutchinson is suspending his presidential primary campaign, the former Arkansas governor announced on Tuesday. More: CNN