11.6.23 A case of the Mondays

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like America hates itself. Because it sure as shit seems to.

Note: First of all, Sexy Patriots, we’d like to go ahead and put a certain rumor to rest. No, we absolutely did not poop ourselves this weekend. Yeah, we’ve heard the chatter about the newsletter that shat its pants after seeing those deeply upsetting New York Times swing state polls and sure mentally we might have crapped ourselves but in real life we absolutely DID NOT shit in our britches. Twice.

And if we did, it would be for a good damn reason. Because Trump is talking about instituting the Insurrection Act on Day One of his second term to go after Americans who don’t like him, because Joe Biden is the greatest jobs president of our lifetimes and because weirdo fucko creepshows like this twisted motherfucker are who we’re losing to…

WHAT THE EFFING FUCK?! What in THE hell is happening to this goddamn country?! It was fucked up and horrible and tragic when these scumbags came for women’s rights and the constitution and basically made American schools war zones and a million other things. But who in god’s name is supporting the absolutely terrifying and oddly puckered porn patroller here?! We don’t know about y’all but we are freaked the fuck out and fed the fuck up.

And tomorrow, we’re gonna do something about it goddamnit. Who’s ready to vote against the super scary kids?! Ok cool. We sure are too. Let’s do it. And then we won’t have to poop ourselves again. Not that we did in the first place. Or the second place. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Do you have a plan to vote?! This is it, baby! This is when shit gets real! Ohio, we need you to keep abortion legal. And it wouldn’t hurt to do the same with weed. Virginia, don’t let Glen Youngkin force his right-wing agenda on you. Kentucky and Mississippi, elect good governors who aren’t corrupt Trump scum. And Pennsylvania, please please please don’t put an election denier on the state Supreme Court. Deep breaths, everybody. We got this.

Note three: This story is behind a paywall and we usually try to find a way around that, but this is some important, scary, fucked up shit. It’s about how Trump and his idiot allies are planning to use the Justice Department to go after his critics and enemies. It’s about how he’s already planning to use the Insurrection Act to use law enforcement and the military to put down protests on Inauguration Day. So how THE fuck is this country more worried about Joe Biden’s age than this horrifying shit?! More: Washington Post (Paywall)

Note four: Steve Scalise didn’t become Speaker of the House. But he’s still pretending like he doesn’t know who won the last election. These folks are basically the QAnon Shaman with less remorse and shame. More: HuffPost

Note five: The nutjobs have quit hiding who they are or how much they want to Taliban the US. Are we paying attention?

Note six: That same weirdo fuckhead is also just a couple weeks away from shutting down the government. So get ready for that dumb shit. More: Washington Examiner

Note seven: Oh and they’re going to impeach Biden. LOL is this a Monday or what?! More: CNN

Note eight: We feel like we’re being some real goddamn bummers today. It ain’t us. It’s the news. Still, we’re sorry.

Note nine: Republicans’ US Senate candidate in Pennsylvania can’t pronounce Yuengling. How the hell has he not been run out of the state yet? Oh yeah. He doesn’t really live there. More: Philly Mag

Note 10: Anyone else eager to make this little shit eat his words?

Note 11: Thank you to the president and the First Lady for visiting Lewiston, Maine to mourn with the community last week. Does America just not see this stuff or do we just not care anymore? More: CBS

Note 12: Iowa Gov. Kim Reynolds is endorsing Ron DeSantis. No, we’ve never heard of these people either and we suspect they are totally made up. More: NBC

Note 13: Thank you to Will Bunch for again calling out the endless chickenshittery of the mainstream media. Watchdogs that hump the burglar’s leg are pretty goddamn pointless. More: Philadelphia Inquirer 

Note 14: President Zelensky is still fighting like hell for freedom. And on Meet the Press this weekend, he reminded us why we love him so much when he called Putin a “fucking terrorist.” Damn right. More: The Hill

Note 15: We went looking for some good news and this was the best we could find today. Let’s all take a deep breath, change our undies and get to work saving this backwards-ass country.

Note 16: A former Trump official was sentenced to more than five years in prison for his role in Jan. 6. Anyone wanna bet this dirty motherfucker gets a pardon and a cabinet position if Trump wins next year? More: CBS

Note 17: A judge said that John Eastman was culpable of taking part in a scheme to overturn the 2020 election. Who knew you could be a judge and Captain fucking Obvious at the same time? More: CNN

Note 18: This is so sick. A right-wing website outed a small town mayor in Alabama and he killed himself. How do these twisted fucks think of themselves as the good guys? More: HuffPost

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note, but since those are in pretty short supply today, here’s a list of Chandler Bing’s 42 best one-liners. What can we say? We really love Friends :) More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that desperate note, let’s go do some news! Holy freaking crap, y’all we are so sorry today was so heavy. It reminds us of the days when we decided to start this newsletter so we could cuss and laugh and try to feel better about news that there just ain’t no feeling better about. All we can say is this — We love you, please hang in there, please take care of yourselves and please please please VOTE. See y’all tomorrow.

Poll pooping

So yeah by now you’ve seen the New York Times swing state polls that show Trump winning in the crucial swing states. While we don’t really buy a lot of this shit, especially stuff like Biden losing in Michigan and Pennsylvania, we are damn concerned. And it’s just too easy and too dangerous to say that polls don’t matter. So let’s let this be a big damn wake-up call and figure out how to win this fucking thing and save our country. But let’s not let it be a reason to be so goddamn bummed out that we just throw up our sexy hands and give up. Deal? Ok cool.

More: HuffPost

Scary SCOTUS

So tomorrow a corrupt, broken and really just straight up evil Supreme Court is going to hear arguments about whether it should kill more women. Yeah, the same assheads who stripped basic human rights from millions and millions of women is now going to decide whether domestic abusers should get to keep their guns. If this seems like a no-brainer to you, then you’re not Sam Alito’s creepy psycho ass. But we already knew that. Thank goodness.

More: CNN

A case of the Mondays

As we were writing this morning, Donald Trump was on the stand testifying in his civil fraud trial in New York City. He’s not taking it well and it’s really quite chaotic. The judge even had to ask Trump’s lawyer if he could control his client. Yeah, Orangey is giving a lot of speeches and attacking the judge and hopefully adding some perjury charges to the long list of bad shit he’s done. We’re not lawyers so we’re not sure about that last thing but damn this is quite a scene. So yeah, it’s been a shitty Monday, but it could be worse. We could be that asshole. Actually no we couldn’t.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

Former Rep. Peter Meijer has launched a U.S. Senate campaign, entering the race Monday as a long shot for the Republican nomination in Michigan. More: HuffPost

The number of Palestinians killed in Gaza since Hamas attacked Israel on October 7 has surpassed 10,000, the Hamas-controlled Ministry of Health in Gaza announced Monday. More: CNN