11.3.23 Biden heads to Maine

Be advised: This newsletter uses ugly words but they are beautiful on the inside.

Note: Sexy Patriots! Holy freaking crap we made it to the weekend. And we’ll be honest, it hasn’t been easy. Things are fucking dark out there, right? Dark and scary? And we all just peed ourselves while sucking our thumbs? Um, that’s an expression. We totally didn’t do that. We totally didn’t do that on Wednesday morning before rushing home to change our pants and have a good cry. We are grown ups after all.

But we wouldn’t blame any of you SPs if you were pissing yourselves and sucking your thumbs because there is some bleak shit going on. So we figured we’d leave you with two pieces of good news.

The first is that Tuesday is Election Day. That means once again we Americans get to go to the polls and decide what kind of country we want to be. We don’t know about y’all, but when shit is kinda sad and scary like it has been, it gives us a sense of agency to know that we can help decide if things stay sad and scary. So if you can phone bank or knock on doors this weekend and then vote like a motherfucker next week, please do so. We need you.

The second piece of good news is that Sam Bank-Friedman was found guilty yesterday and that dude is going to prison. Why is that good news? Well it’s an old American tradition to not put rich white assholes in prison. And with Trump on trial in like 17 states, we are fucking digging this break in tradition. But we bet he’s not.

So hang in there, Sexy Patriots. The world is burning but we are volunteer firefighters and we’re doing our best. And that’s all anyone can ask. Y’all have a blessed day and a wonderful weekend.

Note two: We should clarify that we are not volunteer firefighters. That seems like the kind of thing that might piss some people off if they thought we were lying about it. Sam has dabbled in amateur arson though. Dude just likes playing with matches.

Note three: Speaking of Sam and playing with matches, have you checked out our weekly podcast? An all-new episode of This Week’s Big Stuff is out today and this week we talk to the Democratic version of Tommy Tuberville. But ours doesn’t suck. Join us and help support TBS!

Note four: Speaker Emeritus Pelosi always has a way of saying it exactly how it is…

Note five: MAGA Mike sure as fuck ain’t getting any less scary, is he?

Note six: Ivanka Trump tried to get out of testifying by saying it was during a school week. We actually support the idea of Ivanka going back to school. Maybe it would make her less of a heartless moron. But also her effort was denied lol. More: CNN

Note seven: We know y’all are hurting over what’s happening in the Middle East and around the world as a response. We frankly don’t have anything smart or funny to say. We just wish people would stop killing each other. We realize how naive that is. More: HuffPost

Note eight: This is just a random post to say fuck Dean Phillips. It’s like Manchin and Sinema had a really sucky baby.

Note nine: Trump’s lawyer got smacked down for misogyny by Judge Engeron yesterday after the miserable dick once again took a swipe at the judge’s clerk. Then dude said he couldn’t be a misogynist because he has a daughter. LOL. Ok bro. More: NY Daily News

Note 10: Any NBA fans out there? How y’all feeling about this tournament they’re doing? We have to say we’re pretty dang excited about it. What? We’re just making conversation. TBS needs watercooler breaks too.

Note 11: Trump has asked the DC Circuit court to lift his gag order. Which is funny because we’ve asked the court to fit Trump with some kind of actual ball gag. Wish us luck! More: CNN

Note 12: Every small once in a while we wonder if we’re being too harsh and maybe Trump people aren’t as scummy as we think they are. And then we hear them talk…

Note 13: Y’all know we’re not huge fans of Eric Adams. The New York City mayor always seems like a kind of a weird jerk to us. And now it looks like he might be corrupt too. How not at all surprising. More: CNN

Note 14: Remember that piece of shit Indiana AG who went on tv to attack a doctor who was kind enough to help a 10-year-old rape victim? Well believe it or not, the Indiana Supreme Court actually reprimanded that asshole for it. Thank goodness. We would’ve hated to do it for them. More: Fox 59

Note 15: Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear did a tour yesterday with superstar Kentucky rapper Jack Harlow. And since we are totally cool, hip and with it people, we didn’t have to google Harlow at all. That’s our story and we’re sticking to it. Also, PLEASE RE-ELECT GOV. BESHEAR, BLUEGRASS STATE!!! More: WLKY

Note 16: We also desperately need to win in Pennsylvania next week. There is some serious goddamn crazy trying to get on the state Supreme Court.

Note 17: The White House is asking Fox News to be a little less scummy. We don’t think Fox will go for it. More: The Messenger

Note 18: You’re not gonna believe this but Marjorie Taylor Greene is dumb as hell about history. And lots and lots and lots of other things. More: HuffPost

Note 19: We like to end on a positive note, so today we’re congratulating Admiral Lisa Franchetti, the new Chief of Naval Operations. Franchetti is the first woman to become a member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and that is so fucking cool we’re not even gonna spend any time on Sen. Roger Marshall of Kansas who was the one sexist piece of shit who voted against her. More: Axios

Note 20: And on that awesome note, let’s go do some news. We love you, Sexy Patriots, and we sure hope y’all are doing ok. While you’re out there kicking all kinds of butt, remember to take breaks and practice self-care. Y’all be good to yourselves. Your sexy asses deserve it.

Yikes

House Republicans really seem to hate House Republicans as much as we hate House Republicans. Ok well maybe not that much. But it’s still pretty intense. After MTG went to war with her own caucus yesterday, George Santos did the same. In fact, Santos got so nasty with one of his fellow members — he attacked the dude’s son for being a criminal — that Santos actually apologized. These are not good or serious people. So let’s vote every last goddamn one of them out of office. And then let’s find out what their new jobs are and go make fun of them there.

More: CNN

Grotesque

MAGA Mike Johnson is a piece of shit. And he didn’t need long to prove it. Late last night the House passed an Israel aid bill that would protect rich tax cheats. That means the bill is going to die a quick death in the Senate and it also means the new Speaker of the House will play shitty political games with literally anything. According to Semafor, Jewish Democrats were seen in tears as they left the House floor after the vote. Johnson is just getting started but he has already pissed off some people for life. What a fucking asshole.

More: Politico

Consoler-in-chief

It’s a day that ends in -y in America so we’re mourning innocent lives being taken by some fuckhead with a machine gun. Sigh. Joe and Jill Biden are heading to Lewiston, Maine today to grieve with a community that was wrecked by gun violence. Unfortunately, there is a major political party in America right now that thinks these shootings are no big deal and they really don’t give a shit if we live or die. So that part really sucks. But we’re still grateful to have a president with a soul who gets sad when we’re hurting. Safe travels, Mr. President.

More: WMUR

Today’s clips

The U.S. economy saw job creation decelerate in October, confirming persistent expectations for a slowdown and possibly taking some heat off the Federal Reserve in its fight against inflation. Nonfarm payrolls increased by 150,000 for the month, the Labor Department reported Friday, against the Dow Jones consensus forecast for a rise of 170,000. The United Auto Workers strikes were primarily responsible for the gap as the impasse meant a net loss of jobs for the manufacturing industry. More: CNBC

Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) on Thursday called out the No Labels group over its plan to put forward a third-party “unity ticket” in the 2024 presidential race, warning it could hurt President Joe Biden’s reelection chance. More: HuffPost