11.30.23 Lock them up!

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like a billionaire dickhead realizing normal people hate his guts.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! It’s so great to be with y’all today and you know we mean it because we ain’t full of shit. If only House Republicans could say the same. But they can’t. Because they are. And unfortunately for them, the White House has decided that Ass-Whoopin’ Season is now officially underway…

Well goddamn, Mr. President. It sure looks like we ain’t the only ones who are tired of House GOP bullshit. And if you think he’s alone, just take a look at the Vice President giving Kevin McCarthy a wedgie before sticking his punk ass in a locker…

LOLOL. Someone get Kevin some aloe vera for that burn. Look, we have no illusions about how challenging and pants-pooping scary next year is gonna be. But with this tag-team bringing heat like this every day, you can bet it will at least be hilarious and satisfying. So let’s hope they keep it going. Unleash Dark Brandon and let him eat. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: So Lauren Boebert’s new nickname is “massive failure,” right? Or we could just stick with all the hilarious and immature shit we came up with when she was hooking up with that dude at Beetlejuice. We’ll leave it up to y’all.

Note three: George Santos had a press conference this morning. We don’t actually care what he said. We’re just waiting to see if his sorry ass gets kicked out of Congress tomorrow. More: Politico

Note four: The ceasefire in the Israel-Hamas war was extended another day. It’s probably controversial to say but we think this is a good thing. More: CBS

Note five: Someone tell this dumb motherfucker what the unemployment rate was when Trump left office.

Note six: It’s really astonishing watching Trump attack Judge Engoron’s wife and law clerk. It’s even more astonishing watching the press ignore it. More: Salon

Note seven: The Senate Judiciary Committee is finally voting on subpoenas for Harlan Crow and Leonard Leo today. But yesterday Chairman Dick Durbin was kissing Lindsey Graham’s ass and defending blue slips so don’t get your hopes up too high. More: CNN

Note eight: We didn’t think it was possible to find common ground with the crazies of the House GOP but it turns out they hate MAGA Mike Johnson too. Probably for different reasons. More: Politico

Note nine: Rep. Scott Perry is a traitor. But that’s apparently allowed these days. More: Politico

Note 10: Seriously how is this not a bigger story? Seems pretty HUGE to us.

Note 11: One of our favorite wins this year was Andy Beshear winning re-election in Kentucky. This is an interesting piece about what Biden can learn from that win. More: Vanity Fair

Note 12: It looks like Jezebel might still live on. If so, this is great and welcome news. More: CNN

Note 13: Trump is sure moving a lot of money around. It’s probably nothing though. He’s usually pretty aboveboard about this shit. More: The Messenger

Note 14: RIP to actor Francis Sternhagen. She had a lot of memorable roles, but our favorite was that of Cliff Claven’s mom on Cheers. The episode where she gets into it with Johnny Carson is our favorite. More: NBC

Note 15: Trump says he did more for Black people than the president who freed the slaves. We have nothing to add to this except fuck Trump.

Note 16: The orange asshead also attacked E. Jean Carroll yesterday. We hope he keeps going until she owns Mar-a-Lago. More: NewsWeek

Note 17: Thank you to Sen. Schumer for calling out antisemitism. It seems to be getting lost in the debate over war and killing that antisemitism is evil. More: ABC

Note 18: MSNBC just canceled Medhi Hasan’s show. Medhi was probably the best interviewer on tv so of course he had to go. More: Semafor

Note 19: We like to end on a good note and since this one is about positive polling news for Joe Biden this might be the only place you see it.

Note 20: And on that encouraging note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having a great week. And since Kissinger is dead, we assume you are. Love y’all!

Lock them up!

It wasn’t huge news yesterday but it was huge news yesterday that two Republican members of the Cochise County elections board in Arizona were indicted by a grand jury and charged with two felonies. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! It’s taking forever but damn we love seeing some of these fuckers get what’s coming. They were charged with felony interference with an election officer and conspiracy. It’s funny but it’s also not funny that there was an actual goddamn coup attempt in the United States three years ago that damn near worked and might still. But for now let’s just enjoy the misery of assholes.

More: NPR

Yikes

Elon Musk is losing whatever shit he had left to lose. During an interview with the New York Times’s Andrew Ross Sorkin yesterday a clearly deranged Musk told twitter advertisers to “go fuck yourself,” specifically calling out Disney’s Bob Iger. It’s an understatement to say that Musk did not look well. We’re fine watching the world’s richest man blow up like one of his rockets but it would be a lot more funny if he didn’t have so many US government contracts and crazy loser followers. Oh well, like those assholes in Arizona, let’s just take a moment to enjoy his misery.

More: CNN

Bye

One of the founding principles of this newsletter comes from Olympia Dukakis’s character in Steel Magnolias who said “if you can’t say something nice about someone then come sit next to me.” And to that end, we’d like to congratulate Hell on the return of super demon Henry Kissinger who died yesterday at 100. We don’t have much to add to the many obituaries out there except fuck off, Henry.

More: Rolling Stone

Today’s clips

The U.N. weather agency said Thursday that 2023 is all but certain to be the hottest year on record, and warning of worrying trends that suggest increasing floods, wildfires, glacier melt, and heat waves in the future. More: HuffPost

During oral arguments on Wednesday, the U.S. Supreme Court’s six conservative justices questioned the constitutionality of the Securities and Exchange Commission’s ability to take enforcement actions outside of the court system in a case that could have sweeping consequences for the power of federal agencies to enforce the law. More: HuffPost

Shane MacGowan, the lead singer of Anglo-Irish band The Pogues, has died, according to a statement from his wife, Victoria Mary Clarke. More: CNN