11.29.23 Off the Cheney

Be advised: This newsletter has stopped using profanity like Trump stopped eating. And we sure as shit ain’t stopped cussing.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the heck are you today? We’re actually seriously asking. Because while it takes us forever to return emails, we do actually read them all and it’s become pretty obvious that a lot of folks are having a hard time these days. A lot of folks. Including one of the greatest and toughest and badassedest athletes of our time…

A-men. There was a lot of shit ripe to make fun of in today’s opening note and we’ll get to it. But first we wanted to take a moment to let you know that we love you and we feel your concerns and your fears. We worry sometimes that by trying to always be upbeat and defiant and all motherfuckery that we come off as being cavalier about the challenges we’re all facing these days. If that’s the case, we are truly sorry.

Because the truth is the world is pretty fucked up right now and it has been for a while. If you’re feeling blue or uncertain or worried then it probably just means you’re paying attention to what’s happening and have a heart and a brain. And the shitty brutal truth is nothing we say or cuss at can really fix that. At least not overnight. But hopefully we can occasionally make you chuckle, help you find some motivation to keep fighting and let you know that you are definitely not alone. We love you, Sexy Patriots. And while we can’t promise everything is gonna be alright, we can promise to be here telling the bad people to eat shit and fuck off it it ain’t. Y’all have a blessed day and please hang in there.

Note two: If we seem a little emotional today it’s because of Mrs. Carter’s ceremony yesterday. It got us good. Like ugly cry good. We’ll talk more about it in the news section.

Note three: We’ll get to this too but the idea that Trump quit eating is the bullshitiest bullshit to ever be bullshat. More: RollingStone

Note three: Are we the only ones who keep going back and forth over this Santos silliness? One second we’re absolutely appalled and the next second we’re laughing so hard a little pee comes out. The main thing we keep coming back to is that he really ain’t all that different than the rest of the House Republican caucus. So when are their expulsion votes?

Note four: We have nothing to say about Melania. Except that she sucks and we really hope she didn’t steal anything from Mrs. Obama. Or anything else we should say. More: RollingStone

Note five: Btw Melania was there because Mrs. Carter wanted her there because Mrs. Carter was a way better person than us. She was also a way better person than Melania. More: Washington Post

Note six: It seems pretty bad and scary to us that the frontrunner for the Republican presidential nomination is promising to go after MSNBC because it’s critical of him. We’re guessing Andrea Mitchell will get a pass.

Note seven: Elon Musk deleted his insane Pizzagate tweet yesterday. Also, Elon Musk posted an insane Pizzagate tweet yesterday. More: The Hill

Note eight: Remember when “basket of deplorables” was the biggest news story of all time? Well the mainstream media feels very differently about Trump calling us all “vermin.” If anyone ever sees some liberal media bias, please let us know because we can’t seem to find that shit anywhere. More: Media Matters

Note nine: A Biden Labor Department nominee got taken down yesterday by Joe Manchin and Bob Menendez. We really do have some shitty Democrats, don’t we? More: Politico

Note 10: Remember how Sen. Mike Lee was spreading that conspiracy bullshit about Jan. 6? Well he seems to have acknowledged he was spreading conspiracy bullshit. But he has not taken down or apologized for spreading conspiracy bullshit. So fuck Mike Lee. More: HuffPost

Note 11: This was brilliant and genuinely funny.

Note 12: Dean Phillips says Joe Biden should smoke weed. We’re guessing Biden is just fine smoking Dean Phillips. More: Politico

Note 13: And no we have no idea who the fuck Dean Phillips is either.

Note 14: Overnight, Trump said again on Truth Social that he wants to go after Obamacare. He said it “sucks.” Tell that to the 30 million Americans getting healthcare from it. More: The Hill

Note 15: It’s not a cliche to say that every vote matters. Because every last goddamn vote matters.

Note 16: You won’t believe this but the founder of Students for Trump is a real piece of shit. More: Axios

Note 17: Even Mike Huckabee is saying that impeaching Biden would be a “political disaster.” And that guy is the definition of a political disaster. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Yes the White House Christmas tree fell down. But that’s what cranes and holiday miracles are for. Duh.

Note 19: Y’all know we like to end on a good note so how about a note about how the US economy grew at a crazy big rate last quarter? Look we know shit is expensive and not enough people are feeling that the economy rocks but we literally just had a once-in-a-century pandemic and Joe Biden has brought us back in ways we seriously didn’t think were possible. So yeah, this is a happy note. More: CNBC

Note 20: And on that optimistic note, let’s go do some news! Sexy Patriots, we freaking love you. And not just because you are sexy and patriotic. Because you are you. So please keep your heads up and try to imagine a better tomorrow. And then let’s get to work making it happen. And if you can’t imagine that, just think about that time Rudy Giuliani’s hair dye ran all over his face and it looked like he was shitting out of his forehead. Love y’all!

Off the Cheney

Liz Cheney has a new book coming out and we’re gonna need more popcorn. The world started getting a taste of what’s coming from the person whose guts we all hated until like 15 minutes ago and that shit is hot. Basically Liz lays out what pathetic democracy-hating kiss-asses we’re up against. And while we already knew that, it’s still pretty funny and shocking to hear silly shit like Rep. Mark Green calling Trump “orange Jesus” or McCarthy saying he had to go to Mar-a-Lago after Jan. 6 because Trump had stopped eating. LOL. Y’all, Trump did not stop eating.

More: CNN

Bluff called

Yesterday we told y’all that Hunter Biden was offering to publicly testify in front of House Republicans. We also questioned the wisdom of doing so. But after watching those same House Republicans spend the day making excuses and crapping themselves, we are applauding the move. House Oversight chairman James Comer is now in the position of calling for less transparency and more secrecy. We’re not saying Comer is dumb, but we are sure glad he’s the one leading this idiotic charge. Also Comer is dumb.

More: Messenger

Farewell, ma’am

We’ve mentioned it a few times but the world said goodbye to Rosalynn Carter yesterday and holy cow did it get dusty in here while someone was chopping up onions. It was a touching tribute to a beautiful life well-lived and we were deeply moved by those who honored her. Also, President Carter was there to say goodbye to his wife of 72 years and seriously we can’t stop fucking crying.

More: NBC

Today’s clips

The president of the United Nations’ annual climate summit planned to use the talks to lobby dozens of countries and business leaders to increase exports of oil and gas, according to leaked documents obtained by media outlets this week. More: HuffPost