11.28.23 Mother!

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it was written by George Santos, the inventor of cussing.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! It probably won’t surprise you to know that we grew up fans of the late Mr. Rogers. Or maybe it will. After all, you rarely heard him use the word “motherfucker.”

But we weren’t always a foul-mouthed newsletter. Once upon a time we were just foul-mouthed children and we were big fans of the kind man in the cardigan. And as we got older, we found ourselves time and again looking to his mom’s famous quote about looking for the helpers as we tried to make sense of a world gone batshit nuts.

Today we’d like to offer a TBS update to that lovely and important quote — Look to the people who don’t fucking suck stanky goat butt. Now we realize it’s not quite as sweet or uplifting as Mr. Rogers’s mom, but we still think it’s an important message. Because while there are still quite a few helpers in this world, it’s getting harder and harder to see and remember the people who don’t fucking suck stanky goat butt.

You might wonder what has us feeling so goddamn inspirational today. Well the woman in that picture is being laid to rest this week and it’s had us thinking about all the good and wonderful people who are dying and all the shitheads who aren’t. And since we’re a twisted cussing newsletter, we wanted to think of a way to honor her while also being twisted and cussing.

So please rest easy, Mrs. Carter. We’re so grateful to you for all your kindness and service. And we really appreciate you and everyone else who doesn’t fucking suck stanky goat butt. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Yikes. Yesterday it was a cussing screed about the Golden Girls and today it’s a cussing screed about Mr. Rogers. Is nothing sacred?! We swear we’re ok. Just feeling a little more irreverent than usual.

Note three: MAGA Mike Johnson said yesterday that he told George Santos about his options, suggesting Santos should resign or face an expulsion vote. Can we offer MAGA Mike the same options? More: USA Today

Note four: If there’s one thing we love, it’s a super aggressive Dark Brandon. So we are tickled to see him heading to Colorado to talk shit in Lauren Boebert’s district. We hope he’ll check out Beetlejuice while he’s there. We hear it’s quite stimulating. More: The Messenger

Note five: We live by a few very simple rules. One of them is that if Stevie Wonder wants to meet with you, you take the fucking meeting.

Note six: We’ll get to this in the news section but good god is Mike Pence the biggest chickenshit to ever walk this earth or what?

Note seven: Want to be absolutely horrified about the future? Of course you do. Sports Illustrated got busted using AI stories from an AI-generated reporter. So fucked up. Faulkner wrote for SI. Goddamnit. We promise TBS will always be made by real humans with real dirty mouths. More: Futurism

Note eight: Trump is gonna testify again. He’s going to be the last witness for the defense in his fraud case on Dec. 11. Wanna bet he lies and says a bunch of crazy shit? More: NBC

Note nine: The Kochs are endorsing Nikki Haley over Trump. They will of course then endorse Trump after Haley loses. Let’s not pretend otherwise. More: NBC

Note 10: We’re glad to see the president and his staff being so vocal about this. Everyone should be.

Note 11: Elon Musk is pushing Pizzagate shit again. Our days of posting stuff from Twitter are numbered. We’re really digging Threads. It took us a while to quit smoking too. NO GODDAMN LINK

Note 12: Trump says he keeps mistaking who the president is on purpose. Yeah, and he meant to crap himself too. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Gas prices have dropped more than 60 days in a row. Seems like good news to us. Must be why we really had to dig to find it. More: CNN

Note 14: We really shouldn’t have to say this but it’s a bad idea to go streaking at Disneyland. Are we the only ones who thought this was gonna be a story about Matt Gaetz? More: NBC

Note 15: Joe Biden isn’t going to let anyone forget that Trump wants to take healthcare from millions of Americans. Neither are we.

Note 16: We’re sorry but SERIOUSLY WE’RE DOING FUCKING PIZZAGATE BULLSHIT AGAIN?!

Note 17: Fani Willis is saying no plea deals for Trump, Meadows and Giuliani. We’re hearing this has scared Rudy so bad he shat out of his forehead again. More: The Guardian

Note 18: We never like to admit we’re worried but we are fucking worried about losing the Senate. If you can, pick a Senate race and make it your own. Get involved and help them as much as you can. We’re sorry we have to keep asking you to save America but we do appreciate it. More: HuffPost

Note 19: We might just make our happy notes Biden White House holiday stuff for the next month. Despite all our cussing and poop jokes, we’re actually total softy suckers for this time of year.

Note 20: And on that adorable note, let’s go do some news! We hope your post-holiday return is going well. We’re also sending love to the Carter family as they say goodbye for now to a remarkable human being. Love y’all!

A football coach?

Tommy Tuberville is a punk. Last night he said the US military is the weakest right now it has ever been. LOL. Ok bro. Someone want to show this lightweight motherfucker what a nuclear submarine looks like? Or maybe he can pick out the weakest member of the military and challenge them to a fight. But please please please let us watch. Just try to imagine the coverage if a Democratic senator said some shit like this.

Um ok

Hunter Biden is offering to testify for House Republicans but only if he can do so publicly. Is this the smartest idea? We’re not sure. But we also know if he testifies behind closed doors then Republicans will lie about what he said. It seems to us like Hunter’s lawyers are trying to make clear just how full of shit James Comer and his GOP pals are, but we think they might have overestimated the Beltway press.

More: Axios

Mother!

Mike Pence appears to have spilled EVERYTHING to Special Counsel Jack Smith. And Team Trump is accusing the former vice president of trying to save his own sorry ass. Which is better than trying to hang him. ABCNews has the scoop on what Pence told Smith and also reveals that Pence was planning to skip the certification on Jan. 6 because he’s a total fucking coward. Yeah apparently Mikey’s Marine son had to remind his dad that he took an oath. And this motherfucker ran for president?!

More: ABC

Today’s clips

The judge presiding over the case involving Donald Trump’s efforts to overturn the 2020 presidential election on Tuesday denied the former president’s request to subpoena several people for material garnered by the House Select Committee investigating the Jan. 6, 2021, insurrection. More: HuffPost

Argentina’s right-wing President-elect Javier Milei will meet with President Joe Biden’s national security adviser on Tuesday in Washington, according to the White House. More: Politico