11.27.23 Hands off our healthcare

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it’s just coming back to work after a few lovely days off.

Note: Hey Sexy Patriots! We missed your hot asses! We hope y’all had an amazing Thanksgiving and didn’t get in any fistfights with your Republican relatives. But we know you didn’t because you’re cooler than a polar bear’s toenails. And because we know that — and even though we’re so gosh darn happy to be back with you today — today’s opening note isn’t for you. It’s for the rest of the country. So please just hang with us for a moment while we get through this.

Hey America! How’s it going? Oh that’s cool. Yeah we’re excited about basketball season and the holidays too. So what’s up with your fixation on Joe Biden’s age? You know that other sonofabitch is old too, right? And that he lies like a fucking rug and attacked the Capitol? And you know who else was old? The Golden Girls that’s who. Do you hate the Golden Girls now? What the hell is wrong with you?

Ok so like the Golden Girls weren’t actually old but you get our point right? Estelle Getty was only 62 when the show started. And sometimes the people who are best at doing shit are a little older than us. Like Taylor Swift is great and all but she would’ve made a shitty Sophia. You didn't hate Estelle Getty, did you? (If you said yes just get the hell out of here. Seriously.) Look, we’re not in some silly cult so we’re happy to cuss and criticize Joe Biden from time to time because that’s what you’re supposed to do with politicians in this country. But he’s the greatest jobs president of our lifetimes and oh yeah he’s not trying to fucking end democracy and sell us out to dictator assholes and send the military to take over our cities. He’s like the Golden Girls — adorable, charming, often hilarious and getting the job done.

So maybe you should get your shit together and realize that a few extra years of experience is a good thing. Or you can be like Blanche and get fucked. We know you’ll make the right decision. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We just want to say for the record we loved Blanche and Rue McClanahan. But that joke was just right there and we couldn’t not go for it.

Note three: Btw that thing about Trump sending the military to take over American cities is totally real and totally scary. More: HuffPost

Note four: It’s been obvious for a while that we are way out of our depth when talking about the Israel-Hamas war. But we like to think we’ve been pretty fucking clear that hate crimes and killing or hurting people because of who they are is not fucking ok. So this story out of Vermont makes us sick to our goddamn stomachs. More: CNN

Note five: Also can someone explain to us what the effing hell Elon Musk’s antisemitic ass is doing in Israel? Actually don’t. We hate him and we don’t care. More: CNN

Note six: We need to apologize. We got so many nice Thanksgiving notes from y’all and then we totally skipped town and stayed off our computers for days. We promise to get back to you asap. And we promise to do so without using the phrase “circling back.”

Note seven: We hate to break this to you but Fox News might be full of shit.

Note eight: It’s so nice to see the White House pushing back on this malarkey. They should do more of it. More: HuffPost

Note nine: And while we’re sharing shocking news about people being full of shit, holy freaking crap is George Santos losing it. More: AP

Note 10: The New York Times had a blockbuster story this weekend about how Trump was basically selling pardons and running interference for loan sharks at the same time. Seems like a pretty big goddamn deal to us. More: Yahoo

Note 11: Also, y’all know we’ve been pretty harsh on the New York Times these last few years so it’s nice to see them doing the kind of journalism we can really root for…

Note 12: That last note wasn’t sarcastic. We love cookies and we love Cookie Monster so thanks, NYT.

Note 13: Trump showed his sorry orange ass at the South Carolina-Clemson game this weekend because everything is fucking gross now. Also because he seems afraid of Nikki Haley. More: The State

Note 14: It was nice to hear some boos and see some middle fingers pointed his way.

Note 15: Dean Phillips says he won’t run for re-election to Congress because he’s running for president. As usual we have two questions — 1. Who the hell is Dean Phillips and 2. Fuck Dean Phillips. More: CNBC

Note 16: We spent the weekend reading Marjorie Taylor Greene’s new book to review it. Just kidding. Can you imagine hating yourself that much?

Note 17: The cop who killed George Floyd was stabbed in prison. Normally we’d gloat about this kind of thing because he murdered an innocent Black man, but the truth is we think prison violence is awful. More: NBC

Note 18: The Iowa caucuses are just seven weeks away. And while it’s hard to imagine things getting grosser, you know they’re gonna. More: CNN

Note 19: Y’all know we like to end on a happy note but today we have some bad news. It seems that we’re really fucking up the whole war on Christmas thing. But on the bright side we have an awesome First Lady who didn’t wreck the Rose Garden or steal any speeches from Michelle Obama.

Note 20: And on that festive note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all had the most wonderful Thanksgiving break filled with family, friends and way too much food. We also hope you kept reading after that shocking Golden Girls intro. We’re so happy to be back in the saddle with you. Let’s kick some ass this week. Love y’all!

Fash cash crunch

The GOP cult is having some money issues. They shouldn’t worry though. Their orange messiah is a totally real billionaire who can totally bail them out. Right? LOL. The Washington Post reports today that the Republican Party is hurting badly for money, spending way too much on Trump’s legal bills and stupid election lawsuits and not bringing in nearly enough. In fact, right now they have less than $10 million in cash. This time four years ago they had more than $60 million. But don’t you worry about them. They’ll still have plenty of help from Elon Musk, Jill Stein, Saudi Arabia, Russia, North Korea, Fox News and every asshole fuckhead billionaire on the planet. Still, it’s nice to see them sweat.

More: Washington Post

Hands off our healthcare

Maybe they’re hurting for money because they keep trying to fuck over the American people. It’s just a theory. On Truth Social last weekend, Trump made clear he still wants to repeal the Affordable Care Act and hurt the millions and millions of people who are getting access to healthcare through it. The American people have repeatedly rejected this cruel bullshit and we’re really hoping they’re paying attention so they can reject it again. We need to make sure they know that when it comes to repealing Obamacare, Trump said “we should never give up!” We usually want him to shut his orange ass up, but we’re fine if he keeps talking about this and how he destroyed Roe v. Wade.

More: NBC

Some relief

While we were away, Israel and Hamas agreed to a ceasefire and began releasing some hostages, including 4-year-old American citizen Abigail Mor Edan, who is now an orphan. It’s looking this morning like the truce is set to be extended. All of this is so fucking awful and heartbreaking and infuriating and we have no fucking idea what to say about any of it except ENOUGH.

More: NBC, NBC

Today’s clips

Professors at the University of Florida had high hopes for Joseph Ladapo. But they quickly lost faith in him. More: Politico

Former first lady Rosalynn Carter’s motorcade is set to begin one of its final journeys Monday morning, traveling from her small hometown of Plains, Georgia, to Atlanta, where she is set to lie in repose for members of the public to pay their respects and share their final goodbyes. More: CNN