1.12.24 Here we go again

Be advised: This newsletter uses the word fuck a lot. For democracy. For freedom. And for fucking America.

Note: Sexy Patriots! The weekend is upon us! And since Monday is Martin Luther King Day, it’s a long weekend. Or at least it is for us. The racist fuckheads and the Republican Party just call it Monday. And that’s when they’ll be gathering in Iowa to kiss some more orange ass and once again endanger the very fabric of this nation. But there is some good news — it gets us one step closer to the end of Ron DeSantis.

Yeah, it ain’t exactly broken news but Ron is a fucking loser and on Monday, Iowa Republicans are going to make that official. And while we will fear for the future of our country when we see Trump win big, we will also delight in watching the Poop Map guy suffer yet another humiliation. Seriously just a total loser.

Sigh. Memories. So cue up a sad and nostalgic Sarah McLaughlin song and reminisce about shit maps and boot lifts and pudding fingers and the weird non-human smiling and standing. And don’t forget the white boots that launched a million memes. Oh we’re gonna miss the white boots.

It’s important that we all take a second to laugh at this sad, weird, hate-filled little man before he goes back to turning Florida into a homophobic white supremacist’s dream state. So fuck you, Ron. We hope this weekend really sucks for you and that it only gets worse on Monday. And we knew all along that wasn't really pudding, you sick freak. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: It feels weird to be taking the day of the caucuses off but we believe in observing MLK Day to honor the man and to send a giant Fuck You to the racist dicks who don’t think it should be a holiday. So we will see you back here Tuesday.

Note three: An all-new episode of This Week’s Big Stuff just dropped! This is our longest one ever and we’re really liking the new format of Adam and Sam talking shit about the news together. We’d love it if you joined us and helped us keep Today’s Big Stuff rolling. But we also understand you probably have like a million other subscriptions and shit piles up. More: Patreon

Note four: The forecast in Iowa for Monday is below freezing and crazier than a shithouse rat…

Note five: Yesterday the US hit Houthi targets in Yemen. We get that some people are mad Biden didn’t get congressional approval for this and normally we would agree. But this also seems like basic commander-in-chief stuff when some assholes are attacking US ships. More: CNN

Note six: Remember how yesterday we reported that the judge wasn’t going to let Trump talk at his trial? Well he changed his mind because our legal system bends over backwards for rich criminal assholes. And he got exactly what you’d think he was gonna get. More: NBC

Note seven: The New England Patriots just hired Jerod Mayo to be the team’s new head coach. Mayo is the first Black head coach at the Patriots. The NFL has needed more Black head coaches for a long damn time and we are really glad to see this. We’re also just really glad to see Belichick gone. More: USA Today

Note eight: PROGRAMMING ALERT!!! Kate Cox is giving her first interview on CBS Sunday Morning since she was forced to flee Texas to get an abortion. This is so important and we encourage everyone to tune in.

Note nine: A guy arrested for taking part in the Jan. 6 attack stepped down as a member of the Maryland State Board of Elections. Probably the right idea. It would suck to have to beat yourself with the American flag. More: Yahoo

Note 10: The New York Times is totally broken when we need them more than ever.

Note 11: Yesterday Donald Trump Jr. called Jan. 6 a “fake insurrection.” Then he did some fake cocaine and received zero love from his fake dad. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Hunter Biden pleaded not guilty to federal tax charges yesterday. He is the first person to ever do this. Or so it would seem from the media coverage. More: NBC

Note 13: The FAA has launched an investigation into Boeing 737 door plugs and thank fucking god because that is some terrifying shit. More: NBC

Note 14: So at some point the rest of America is going to be as scared shitless by this stuff as we are, right?

Note 15: ProPublica has a report out that shows the states with legislatures most dominated by men are the states that have passed the most fucked up abortion laws. Creepy assholes. More: ProPublica

Note 16: Today Dark Brandon is in Allentown, Pa. talking about the economy. He’s got a good story to tell. More: Times Tribune

Note 17: Larry Hogan stepped down from the No Labels board and now people think he’s going to run for president. Yeah, we have no idea who the fuck Larry Hogan is either but we do know he sucks. More: AP

Note 18: Holy shit we just saw they’re making another Top Gun. We’re not ashamed to admit we loved the last one. Also we have some new tv recommendations — if you ever saw the movie Ted and liked it, you’re gonna love the tv show of the same name on Peacock. Also, The Brothers Sun on Netflix stars Michelle Yeoh and it is freaking awesome.

Note 19: Y’all know we like to end on a good note and since we don’t really have one we thought we’d just share this video of Democratic superstar Jasmine Crockett who is full because she spent all week eating Republicans’ lunch.

Note 20: And on that awesome note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a good week and didn’t get any crazy on you. Let’s be good to each other this weekend as we contemplate Dr. King’s life and works. And please don’t forget to make fun of Ron DeSantis’s pathetic loser pudding fingered ass. Love y’all!

Out-fucking-rageous

So we need to apologize because we have not covered this story nearly enough. Brittany Watts is a Black woman in Ohio who suffered a miscarriage. The police arrested her and the local prosecutor charged her with felony abuse of a corpse. Yes, this is insanely cruel and fucked up and makes our fucking blood boil. Fortunately, there is still a little common sense and common decency left in Ohio and yesterday a grand jury declined to indict Watts. So those cops and that prosecutor tortured that poor woman for nothing. This is the future all over the country if Republicans win this fall. It’s already the future in too many parts of this country. And it won’t stop until we fucking stop it.

More: CNN

Putin smiles

So Republicans have succeeded in pushing America to abandon Ukraine and help Putin with his illegal war. The White House said yesterday that with no more funding, US assistance for Ukraine has “ground to a halt.” We have no idea why the hell this isn’t a bigger story because it is very clear that Republicans are acting on Trump’s orders and doing Putin’s bidding and lots and lots of innocent people are dying as a result.

More: CNBC

Here we go again

So remember how we told you that MAGA Mike Johnson made a spending deal with Schumer to keep the government open? And remember how we said that crazy House Republicans could still fuck it up? Well we were right. The crazies spent all day yesterday trying to convince MAGA Mike to go back on his word and scuttle the deal and he has remained noncommittal about doing so as the other nutjobs have already started threatening his job as speaker. Oh and the government starts shutting down in just a few days. Maybe if these shitheads spent a little less time on dick pics they could actually govern for like five fucking minutes.

More: NBC

Today’s clips

The Biden administration will start canceling student loans for some borrowers starting in February as part of a new repayment plan that’s taking effect nearly six months ahead of schedule. More: HuffPost

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott (R) said his state continued to use “every tool” in its arsenal to stop migration along its border with Mexico but added that the only thing his officers weren’t doing was “shooting people who come across the border.” More: HuffPost