11.2.23 Santos stays

Be advised: This newsletter uses bad words. They weren’t born bad. We made them that way.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the heck are you today? Freaked out and sick and tired of TBS pep talks? Yeah, we hear you. But we also love you so sometimes we’re gonna huddle up and cheer you on. Today we’re doing something different though. We’re getting all lawyerly. So yeah, this might be dumb.

If you missed it, yesterday Dipshit Jr. testified in the fraud case New York AG Letitia James is prosecuting against Dipshit Sr. And as luck would have it, we have an exclusive transcript from the testimony that other news outlets missed…

Lawyer: Can you state your name for the record?

Junior: Donald Fuckhead Trump Junior.

Lawyer: That’s your middle name? Does your dad hate you?

Junior: Yes.

Lawyer: That’s kinda sad. Is that why you’re such an irredeemable piece of hog shit?

Junior: It’s part of it. But I also really like being an irredeemable piece of hog shit. Look at me. It was either that or be the coked out asshole from Die Hard and that job was taken.

Lawyer: Oh right. Ellis. That dude sucked. So your dad is guilty as a motherfucker, right?

Junior: Totally. We’re all despicable criminal scumbags. I mean no, he’s totally innocent and so am I. But Ivanka totally did that shit.

Lawyer: You’re not a good or smart person are you?

Junior: Nope, I’m the fucking worst and so is my family. Do I go to jail now?

Lawyer: Soon. We hope.

Wow! Blockbuster testimony from an absolute doofus. Of course it didn’t actually go like that. He was much much worse in real life. It sure is fun seeing Orangey lose his shit over this stuff though. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: LOL. Dude sure looks credible to us…

Note three: We can’t stop fucking laughing at the House Republican infighting that is going down this morning. Marjorie Taylor Greene called Chip Roy Colonel Sanders and attacked “vaping groping Lauren Boebert” while Roy told Greene to “go chase so-called Jewish space lasers.” Call us crazy but we don’t think these fucking idiots are gonna get the government funded. Or figure out how to tie their own shoes. More: Washington Examiner

Note four: Btw those same House Republicans are still talking about impeaching Joe Biden and we say bring it on. And we say that after we pee ourselves laughing at their incompetence. More: Daily Beast

Note five: Trump wants to launch an “American Academy” college that is funded by stealing money from Harvard. You won’t find us defending Harvard but um isn’t this asshole legally forbidden from starting and operating colleges? More: Politico

Note six: Kentucky, Gov. Andy Beshear has done a damn good job. So let’s do this thing and get him re-elected.

Note seven: “Judge” Alieen Cannon is about to give Trump what he wants and delay his classified docs trial for as long as he wants her to. The plan here of course is to delay it long enough that he can win the election and pardon himself. How fucked up is it that it might actually work? More: CNN

Note eight: The House voted last night to table Marge Greene’s efforts to punish Rashida Tlaib. This was the right thing to do. In fact they should table pretty much everything Greene does. More: AP

Note nine: Joe and Jill Biden are planning to visit Lewiston, Maine. Biden is so dang good at consoling the nation. We just wish he had a lot less to console us over. More: CNN

Note 10: It’s crazy how we already forgot that Dean Phillips is running for president. Also, who the fuck is Dean Phillips? More: The Hill

Note 11: Good news, everyone! Trump only wants to terminate parts of the Constitution.

Note 12: Toyota is giving its workers a raise. Why? Because unions keep winning for workers and Toyota is smart enough to do what needs to be done before there’s a strike. Having a pro-union president makes a difference. A big one. More: Axios

Note 13: We finally got a CBO score on House Republicans’ plant to defund the IRS to pay for aid to Israel. It adds $26.8 billion to the deficit. And honestly that ain’t even the whole story. We’re beginning to think the coup people are full of shit when they say they’re worried about spending. More: NBC

Note 14: We are so fucking sick of agreeing with Liz Cheney. It really is just constant proof of a world gone mad. More: USA Today

Note 15: Hunter Biden has fired back at the soulless ghouls trying to weaponize his addiction issues. He ain’t wrong. More: USA Today

Note 16: Want to see something hilarious? Ok fine, it’s really more scary/hilarious but we will never stop laughing at RFK Jr. hurting Trump after those fuckers pushed him to run in the first place.

Note 17: Ken Buck is retiring from the House. He’s doing so while complaining about how his party keeps lying about the 2020 election. He’s also doing so after just having fucking voted to make one of those election liars the goddamn Speaker of the House. More: CBS

Note 18: Hey so the Obamacare open enrollment period is in full swing after kicking off yesterday. To quote Dark Brandon, that’s a big fucking deal for a lot of Americans.

Note 19: And y’all know we like to end on a good note and what could be better than VP Harris and Rep. Maxwell Frost teaming up to help Virginia Democrats win? Join them TOMORROW!

Note 20: And on that fighting note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having a great week. And if you’re not, just remember it could be worse and your dumbshit coked out son could be testifying in court at your fraud trial. Love y’all!

Tommy the taintlick

Tommy Tuberville sucks. Even Lindsey Graham thinks so. And Lindsey Graham sucks too. Last night a bipartisan group of senators tried to get around Tuberville’s hold on military promotions by bringing them up one by one. Tuberville objected to every single one of them. Yes, the ex-college football coach is now openly at war with the US military and even his own party is calling out his bullshit. This needs to end. Like now.

More: AP

Santos stays

A bipartisan group of House members voted against expelling George Santos from Congress yesterday, with some Democrats arguing it set a bad precedent to kick out someone who hasn’t been convicted yet and before the House Ethics investigation is done. We think those are smart prudent concerns and yet we still wish they kicked that cheap con-artist out of our House. Enough is enough.

More: AP

Rest easy, Ady

We’re wrapping up today on a sad one. Ady Barkan has died. If you don’t know Ady — and you probably do — he was a tireless warrior for Americans to have healthcare. Ady was diagnosed with ALS and fought like a wild animal for Americans to have jobs and access to healthcare. We lost a true American hero, y’all. This one hurts.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

President Joe Biden said he thought there should be a humanitarian “pause” in the Israel-Hamas war, after his campaign speech Wednesday evening was interrupted by a protester calling for a cease-fire. More: HuffPost

Former President Donald Trump has made mocking President Joe Biden and questioning his mental fitness for office a core part of his campaign speeches – even as he experiences his own recent series of gaffes and verbal slips on the campaign trail. More: CNN