11.20.23 Serious yikes

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it didn’t spend the weekend talking about golden showers like some deranged freak.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How the eff are you today? Well you smell fantastic and we’d sure love to know how you got more Sexy and Patriotic since we last saw you. If we seem positive to the point of delusional today after a weekend of some truly fucked up shit, well, there’s a good reason for it…

You.

We’re going to make today our last edition before we take a few days off to celebrate the holiday with our friends, family and any strangers who show up with shit we can cover in gravy. But before we do, we need to give thanks. And mostly what we’re thankful for is you amazing Sexy Patriots, your love of decency and democracy and that adorable way you keep us from feeling crazier than a shithouse rat.

Y’all have heard our origin story a million times — We started TBS during the dark days of the Trump administration for a few friends to help us all laugh to keep from crying. But what we found was that there was great value in knowing there were other people out there who were feeling the same fear, anger and sadness we were. It’s sort of like when you see a talking goat standing at your bedroom window holding a machete. Of course it’s possible it’s the LSD you did in college coming back to pay you a visit. But when other people say they see it too then you don’t feel so crazy. Especially when there really is a talking goat standing at your bedroom window holding a machete and that motherfucker is not playing around.

So thank you, Sexy Patriots. For giving us purpose, for helping us feel less crazy and alone and for fighting the good fight for important shit that really matters. Y’all have no idea just how grateful we really are.

Next year is as high stakes as it gets and you know we’re all gonna have the butt-sweats going on as our anxiety goes off the charts. So let’s all take some time this next month or so to recharge, relax, hug our loved ones and laugh our hot asses off. We deserve it. And then we’ll go back to work saving this great country. Sound like a plan? Awesome. Thank you, SPs. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We really hate to sully such a sweet note with some real and twisted news but what the actual fuck…

Note three: Argentina just elected its own Trump. That really sucks for Argentina. And really for the rest of the world. More: HuffPost

Note four: Today is Trans Day of Remembrance. People shouldn’t be harassed, harmed or killed for simply being themselves. Seems like a pretty simple fucking belief, don’t it?

Note five: Elon Musk had quite a weekend. After going full on antisemite asshole last week, he raged as major advertisers fled Twitter and then pledged to sue Media Matters for reporting accurate stuff. Every right-wing creepshow on the planet has his back. That’s why we’re with Media Matters. And really anyone with the guts to stand up to this evil dork. More: Politico

Note six: Ron DeSantis had a fun weekend refusing to condemn Elon endorsing Nazi shit on twitter. If you don’t remember who Ron DeSantis is, don’t worry because no one else does either. More: HuffPost

Note seven: We feel like this should come with a trigger warning. So here’s a warning that Markwayne Mullin is so gross you might throw up. We expect better from someone named Markwayne.

Note eight: YIKES! The head of Philadelphia’s Moms for Liberty group is a registered sex offender. They’re not too good at the whole save-our-children thing, are they? More: Inquirer

Note nine: Jack Smith is in court this morning arguing to have Trump’s gag order reinstated. Maybe we should do this before Trump attacks the Capitol and gets more people killed again. Or just let him do whatever the hell he wants because America has given up. More: CNN

Note 10: If you’re not watching Caitlin Clark play basketball, you are really missing out. More: Bleacher Report

Note 11: We’re obviously gonna talk about this more in the news section but can we confide in you that we got weepy as all hell when we learned that the Carters had been married for more than 77 years?

Note 12: Remember how an arsonist set a freeway in Los Angeles on fire and it was destroyed and gonna take months to rebuild? Well it’s getting ready to reopen after just days. The same thing happened in Philly. Maybe Democrats and union workers are actually really good at fixing America’s broken shit and maybe America should take notice.

Note 13: The news media spent the weekend obsessed with a story about Artificial Intelligence or something. Here’s a link if you understand or care about this shit. More: HuffPost

Note 14: A judge in Colorado said last week that of course Trump is an insurrectionist but it’s scary to actually keep him off the ballot so he can do whatever he wants. Maybe we should get some judges who aren’t cowards. More: ABC

Note 15: If you haven’t yet, please read Dark Brandon’s important op-ed about his approach to Russia and Hamas. More: White House

Note 16: Oh this had to hurt. Try not to be such an asshole in your life that people roast you at your sister’s funeral.

Note 17: Is George Santos in jail yet? Nope. Still in Congress though.

Note 18: If you didn’t see it last week, the White House went on offense over that stupid ass impeachment inquiry. And if you didn’t see it it’s probably because the beltway crowd is busy pretending like the inquiry is a serious thing. More: HuffPost

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note and today we’re ending on a HAPPY BIRTHDAY note. We want to wish the happiest of birthdays to President Joe “Dark Brandon” Biden. We don’t agree with everything he does but he beat Trump and has been the best jobs president of our lifetimes and we think both of those things are just swell. We hope you have a very happy birthday, Mr. President. More: NBC

Note 20: And on that celebratory note, let’s go do some news and then go stuff our fucking faces. We’re gonna miss y’all this week and we sure hope you don’t mind us taking an extended break to hang with our families and friend. We wish y’all the happiest of Thanksgivings and we’re already excited to cuss with you next week. Love y’all!!!

Poop-smearers

The Republican effort to cover up the violent attack on our Capitol that we all watched with our own goddamn eyes is reaching a fever pitch again. On Friday, Speaker of the House MAGA Mike Johnson announced he was releasing 40,000 hours of security footage from Jan. 6 so everyone could see for themselves what really happened. So naturally the people who supported the attack spent the weekend making up lies about how it wasn’t actually Trump voters who attacked the Capitol, smeared their shit on the walls, assaulted police officers and ended our nation’s cherished tradition of peaceful transfers of power. Even US Sen. Mike Lee was spreading bullshit conspiracy theories. They’re glad it happened. They want it to happen again. Shame on everyone who is fine with either of those things.

More: AP

Serious fucking yikes

What do we mean when we say they’re glad it happened and they want it to happen again? Exactly what we said. But you really don’t have to take our word for it. Just look at what Trump keeps saying. He hates everyone who isn’t in his cult and he wants to punish those of us who refuse to kiss his ass. We don’t mind telling y’all it scares the living shit out of us…

RIP

America lost an actual angel this weekend. On Friday we learned that humanitarian, activist and former First Lady Rosalynn Carter had entered hospice care at her home with her husband Jimmy. Then on Sunday afternoon, we learned she passed away. She was 96. She and her husband were married for more than 77 years, which seriously just melts our hearts and blows our minds. The Carters have really been the best of us for a very long time, and while we’re sad they’re time has come, we are forever grateful for all their years of service to their fellow man. Rest easy, ma’am.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

KYIV, Ukraine — U.S. Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin made an unannounced visit to Kyiv on Monday in a high-profile push to keep money and weapons flowing to Ukraine even as U.S. and international resources are stretched by the new global risks raised by the Israel-Hamas conflict. More: NBC

The Earth’s temperature briefly rose above a crucial threshold that scientists have been warning for decades could have catastrophic and irreversible impacts on the planet and its ecosystems, data shared by a prominent climate scientist shows. More: CNN