11.17.23 Eating all the popcorn for George Santos

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it can’t fucking count. Thanks to the eagle-eyed readers who got us back on track.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We made it to the weekend. Just think — if you were a member of Congress you could’ve started it yesterday. Of course you smell way too wonderful for that to be a possibility. We’re smelling pretty good ourselves these days. But if we’re honest, we’re a little worn out and pretty excited for a little break next week.

Especially since it seems like TBS’s work is just getting started…

Oh. So that’s why our amazing country seems dumber than dogshit these days. As much as we hated to link to Axios, we have to admit that is some truly important news and it actually helps us understand how everything got all butthead fucknuts these last few years. It turns out that getting all your news from some random asshole on the internet is bad for your brains, democracy and just civilization in general. Of all the bad news we’ve shared with y’all this week, this is among the worst.

But there is good news. And it’s called Today’s Big Stuff. Yeah, we stand ready to stand in this gaping void and deliver a hilariously profane version of the news you need to know. We’ll be honest — At first we were a little worried about all this responsibility. We frankly didn’t think we were up for the challenge at all. But after we looked at what other political news organizations were doing, we started feeling way better about our own capabilities. For example, you won’t see us teaming up with any billionaire neo-Nazis to do book events. But you can bet your hot ass we’ll be here to cuss out people who do.

So yeah, we got your backs, America. Need some news? Want some f-bombs and poop jokes to go with it? Well you’re in luck. TBS is here, and we’re not going fucking anywhere. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We should clarify that when we say “we’re not going fucking anywhere” that means as long as y’all still love us and want us around. And one way you can let us know that is to subscribe to our weekly roundup podcast — This Week’s Big Stuff. We’re looking to find ways to make it better, but for now it’s an easy way you can help us keep TBS rocking and rolling. And it’s a nice way to hear us cussing instead of just reading it. It’s like 3-D for your ears.

Note three: Well that was a lot of shameless self-promotion for one day. Sorry about that. Next week we’re going to take some time off for the holiday. We’ll do an edition Monday and maybe Tuesday and then go recharge our bad word batteries. If you need some cussing beyond that, just shoot us an email and we’ll do our best to send you some sweet sweet profanity.

Note four: So we’ve said it before and we’ll say it again but it seems pretty darn bad to us that the world’s richest man seems to be into Nazi shit. IBM canceled their ads with twitter after Elon Musk once again showed off his antisemitic tendencies. We applaud the move but it still seems weird to say hooray for IBM. More: AP

Note five: So when is the New York Times going to cancel its event with dorky Hitler?

Note six: The Special Counsel in the Hunter Biden case is using a California grand jury. Thank goodness our tax dollars are funding this super important investigation while fascism threatens to choke the life out of democracy. Thank goodness for Merrick Garland. Are we laying on the sarcasm thick enough or should we be more clear that Merrick sucks? More: CNN

Note seven: The deranged piece of shit who attacked Paul Pelosi with a hammer was found guilty on all charges. We also found Elon Musk and Donald Trump guilty of being real fucking scumbags about this heinous shit. More: CNBC

Note eight: We haven’t talked about Doodie Pooliani in a while. It’s been pretty nice. But we are thrilled to share that Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss are going to finish off Rudy’s broke ass with their defamation suit. Thank you!!! More: ABC

Note nine: Ron DeSantis continued to be a fucking loser this week as the Supreme Court refused his request to enforce his bullshit anti-drag law during appeal. The good news for DeSantis and bad news for America is that three justices — Thomas, Alito and Gorsuch — would’ve given Pudding Fingers the bigotry he wanted. More: CNN

Note 10: If you would like to continue laughing at Boot-lifts McPuddinHands, please check out how he’s doing in this poll. We don’t mind admitting we laughed so hard that a little pee came out.

Note 11: A street in Compton is being named after Eazy-E. NWA taught us a lot about cussing and being awesome so we’re darn happy to see this. More: ABC7

Note 12: Now that the strikes in Hollywood are over, it looks like the city is getting back to work. And we are so goddamn excited to see that Abbott Elementary is coming back Feb. 7 with an hour-long episode!!! More: Deadline

Note 13: Ugh. A judge has declared a mistrial in the case of one of the detectives charged in Breonna Taylor’s murder case. We believe Daniel Cameron getting his ass whooped in last week’s election was some justice for Breonna. But not enough. Not nearly enough. More: CBS

Note 14: Congratulations to all the anti-vaxx folks out there! Measles cases are up 18 percent. It’s like someone hit rewind on the world and we’re all doing everything backwards in a very non-hilarious way. More: ABC

Note 15: If Snoop can give up smoking weed, then Republicans can give up kissing orange ass. We believe in you! (Not really)

Note 16: A New York judge temporarily lifted the gag order on Trump in his fraud case and he immediately went back to attacking the lower court judge’s clerk. How many more people does he have to get killed before our judiciary branch starts taking this shit seriously? More: The Hill

Note 17: The Economist says that Trump is the biggest danger the world is facing in 2024. We fact-checked this and came back as yeah no shit. Still, it’s nice to see them saying it. More: The Economist

Note 18: Dark Brandon probably isn’t getting charged in his classified documents case. Probably because he didn’t intend to steal them, keep them and talk about them with Australian billionaires at his South Florida orgy den. More: CNN

Note 19: Y’all know we like to end on a happy note and we were gonna talk about Dolly Parton’s new album until we found out Kid Rock’s gross ass is on it. So instead here’s LeVar Burton being fucking awesome as always…

Note 20: And on that fun note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all had a great week, and we sure hope you’re getting ready for a week of chilling out, relaxing and recharging. But we’ll see you next week before we switch to super lazy glutton mode. Have a fantastic weekend. Love y’all!

WTF?!

So it’s been obvious for a while now that Tennessee is not well. All you need to do to confirm that is listen to Marsha Blackburn for two seconds. But a town in the Volunteer State has actually tried to make public homosexuality illegal and we are so fucking mad and confused we don’t know which way is up. The New Republic has a good write-up of what has happened in Murfreesboro, and it does look like there have been some positive developments here since word started to spread. But hey maybe this fucked up shit should be bigger news than whatever is going on with Hunter Biden. To the LGBTQ+ community in Murfreesboro, please know that we love you and we are standing with you. Also please know that we’re giving the bigoted assholes who did this double middle-fingers.

More: New Republic

Keep talking, dick

Last night, Jon Karl shared audio of interviews with Trump that Karl used for his new book. In the tapes, Trump said he wanted to go to Capitol Hill to meet with the Jan. 6 terrorists and tell them to stop. Of course he could have done the same from his twitter account literally at any time and instead basically told them to go kill Mike Pence instead. It seems to us that Trump keeps admitting he was totally cool with a violent attack on the US Capitol that left people dead and 150 cops injured. So when the fuck are we locking him up for this shit?!

More: CNN

LOLOL

So the George Santos ethics report news broke yesterday when we were close to publishing and we really didn’t spend enough time being shocked and amused by it. Santos is of course totally fucked after being busted cold for stealing campaign funds to spend on lavish trips, botox and OnlyFans. Yeah, even for him it’s pretty ballsy. Santos trying to tweet through it and calling for a constitutional convention has been easily our favorite part of all of this. Anyway the chairman of the Ethics Committee is going to introduce a new resolution to kick Santos’s ass out of Congress and we’re wondering if they’ll have the votes to do it this time. Either way, George Santos is about to have a very shitty new year.

More: ABC

Today’s clips

President Joe Biden signed a temporary spending bill a day before a potential government shutdown, pushing a fight with congressional Republicansover the federal budget into the new year, as wartime aid for Ukraine and Israel remains stalled. More: HuffPost

Conservatives are being some serious scrooges this holiday season over Target’s inclusive Christmas products. More: HuffPost