11.15.23 You’re welcome

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it’s mature enough not to challenge other newsletters to a fight. Except those assholes at Politico Playbook.

Note: Sigh. Today is not the day we’re going to reach out to you all excited and happy and tell you that American politics suddenly got smarter and more interested in important shit that helps people. No, things are dumb as hell and getting dumber by the goddamn second. By now, you’re probably seen a man named Markwaye Mullin — we swear we’re not making that name up — challenge a Senate witness to a fight…

Seems like a cool guy, right? Crazy to think someone named Markwayne could be such a tool. Or maybe you saw the news about Kevin McCarthy allegedly elbowing or kidney punching another GOP congressman in the back. Or maybe you saw House Oversight Chairman James Comer refer to a Democratic congressman as a “smurf.” Or maybe… actually that’s enough. The sad and undeniable truth is that the dumbest dumbshits to ever get dumbshat out of the dumbshittery are in charge these days. And the only idea we can come up with is Dumbshit Fight Club.

The first rule of Dumbshit Fight Club is don’t talk about Dumbshit Fight Club. Mostly because it’s depressing as hell to think these fucking idiots are in charge of governing our poor country. The second rule of Dumbshit Fight Club is lock the goddamn door and pray these moronic motherfuckers find some way to beat each other smarter. We doubt it can happen but hop springs eternal and they sure can’t get any dumbshittier.

Anyway, be smart and stay away from the dumbshits. And that was good advice even before they started trying to fight everyone. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We haven’t forgotten that Trump has gone straight up Hitler. It’s how you can tell we aren’t fancy big-time journalists.

Note three: We know this is a huge surprise but the piece of shit who allegedly attacked Paul Pelosi was radicalized by far-right scary people on YouTube. We’re kinda shocked Republicans haven’t recruited him to run for office yet. More: HuffPost

Note four: Trump gets to stay on the ballot in Michigan. Guess Michigan voters will just have to beat his sorry orange ass again. More: CNN

Note five: Just in case you need some good non-dumbass news…

Note six: Jack Smith wants the gag order reinstated on the Hilter guy who called us vermin. Seems like a good idea to us. More: CNN

Note seven: We were enormously bummed to see that Jezebel was shut down. In this shitty post-Roe world, they’ve done work on abortion rights that was almost unmatched. That’s probably why they got shut down. More: Dame Magazine

Note eight: We really love us some Outkast and Andre 3000, and we will always support an artist trying new things. That said, this one might be a reach for us. We still love you, Dre! More: HuffPost

Note nine: We keep trying to think of something smart and healing to say about the Israel-Hamas war. We’ll let you know the second we do. More: HuffPost

Note 10: We ain’t gonna do the same cuss-y rant we did yesterday but we will ask again WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE NEW YORK TIMES?!

Note 11: The Matthew Perry tributes continue to just wreck us. Joey without Chandler just breaks something inside our souls. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Nate Silver sucks. We don’t have a story to link to. We just think he sucks.

Note 13: Happy two-year anniversary to the Infrastructure Act! Remember when presidents got credit for doing big shit? Yeah, we don’t really either. More: Penn Capital-Star

Note 14: We messed up and totally forgot to make fun of Paul Pelosi’s attacker for crying in court like the gutless cowardly shitweasel that he is. So ha ha, shitweasel.

Note 15: We don’t say it enough, but Pink is fucking awesome…

Note 16: This is pretty random, but if you have Max check out a movie called Defending Your Life. It’s Albert Brooks and Meryl Streep and we’ve loved it forever and we hope you will too.

Note 17: Great news, everybody! The Creeper of the House is gonna educate us all on the separation of church and state. We’re sure it’ll be totally normal and not at all him pushing his weirdness on all of us. More: HuffPost

Note 18: It seems pretty goshdamn horrifying that Univision canceled Biden campaign ads in three states right after Univision officials met with Trump at Mar-a-Lago. At the rate we’re going, TBS will be the only credible news organization this time next year. And y’all that ain’t good for nobody. More: Washington Post (Paywall)

Note 19: Y’all know we like to close on a happy note but this ain’t exactly that. Because there’s nothing happy about a former president talking like Hitler. The happy part is that Dark Brandon is calling it out. “Damn he shouldn’t be president.” Damn right, Dark Brandon. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that important note, let’s go do some news. We sure hope Republicans don’t start any fights today but just in case they do, keep your eyes open. You never know when those fuckers are gonna try to start some shit or kill our democracy. Love y’all!

Sant-ohshit

We hope that made sense. Rep. George Santos, one of many many many corrupt con artists in the House Republican Caucus, appears to be in real trouble. Yeah while we wait for the House Ethics Committee to drop the boom on his sorry ass, one of his top campaign aides pleaded guilty to wire fraud yesterday as part of a plea deal. It sure seems like George Santos is in for a world of hurt. But we thought the same thing about Trump on Jan. 6 and that awful motherfucker is still strutting around breathing free air. Have a great week, George!

More: Politico

Enough

Senate Democrats finally took action to end Tommy Tuverville’s treasonous attacks on the US military. The Senate Rules Committee on Tuesday moved forward with a measure that would allow them to push through the hundreds of US military members Tuberville is fucking with. And it should be noted that Republicans, including Mitch McConnell, are opposed to the measure. Shocking, right? We need nine Republicans on this. Are there nine Republican senators who like the troops more than they like being assholes? Probably not. But fingers crossed.

More: AP

You’re welcome

Welp, we did it again. MAGA Mike Johnson couldn’t get it up — his whip count that is. So he needed a buttload of Democrats to help him pass a spending bill Tuesday and keep the government open, averting yet another shutdown for the time being. Ultimately, more Democrats voted for the measure than Republicans. If you’re keeping score at home, this is exactly what got Kevin McCarthy shit-canned and turned him into a young ruffian terrorizing other shitty members of Congress. So why aren’t they turning on MAGA Mike? Well that’s one of many many many questions we have about that freaking creepshow.

More: NBC

Today’s clips

After a fraught year marked by near misses in the skies between U.S. and Chinese warplanes, both Biden and Chinese President Xi Jinping need the meeting that’s set to take place in California, if for no other reason than to reassure a jittery world audience that the leaders are once again talking, foreign policy experts said. More: NBC