11.14.23 JOKUS

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like last week’s victories seem like a fucking year ago already.

Note: Hi there, Sexy Patriots. How in the heck are you? That’s good. Us? Well, we’re just a little bit pissed the hell off and wondering if y’all would mind if we went on a little cuss-y rant. Cool? Ok cool. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!

How the hell is this still happening? Remember when the But Her Emails assholes told us Trump wasn’t being investigated for Russia right before the 2016 campaign? Well who could’ve imagined that was the high-water mark of their shit coverage? Why are they a fucking PR firm for the dude who wants to kill or arrest Americans he thinks are vermin? Do they think we’re vermin too? Is it because we dared to criticize them? 

Look, NYT assholes, we’ve got enough people lining up against us to try and end American democracy — Elon Musk, Saudi Arabia, Russia, North Korea, 74 million right-wing nutjobs, Fox News, RFK Jr. and probably Kanye again. We don’t fucking need this shit from the goddamn paper of record. So pull your heads out of your asses — or better yet out of Trump’s ass — and start doing your fucking jobs. Ok, rant over. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Also, here’s a little fact–check — TRUMP IS THE GODDAMN REASON ROE V. WADE WAS OVERTURNED AND MILLIONS OF WOMEN WERE STRIPPED OF THEIR BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS!!!

Note three: It turns out the NYT isn’t alone. National news really doesn’t give a shit that Trump is going straight up Hitler. Let’s just hope they never get bored with writing stories about Biden’s age. More: Media Matters

Note four: Btw, Orangey is literally telling reporters he likes it when his fans hear his crazy talk and act on it. SO WHY THE FUCK ARE WE STILL GETTING NEW TONE COVERAGE?! More: HuffPost

Note five: One of the lunatics who acted on Trump’s insanity is in court this week. He beat Paul Pelosi with a hammer. Trump made another joke about it this weekend. Seriously, please tell us more about Biden’s age. More: HuffPost

Note six: The ones who are Trump buttlicks like this but know better are really the worst, aren’t they?

Note seven: Trump’s sister died. He really doesn’t seem to care that much. Wonder if she’ll get buried at his golf course too. RIP or something. More: ABC

Note eight: So was it just us or was Don Jr. really looking smart and handsome on the witness stand yesterday? We’re just kidding. It wasn’t even us. More: Politico

Note nine: Is it good that all automakers are giving their employees raises because of the UAW strike? Yes, yes it is. We’re starting to think this whole Bidenomics thing of making life better for the middle class is a positive development. More: CBS

Note 10: We’re all anxiously awaiting the result of the Ethics Committee report on George Santos. So do you think he did something unethical? We’re just kidding. Kick his ass out already. More: Politico

Note 11: We don’t know about y’all, but it seems pretty fucking bad to us that Trump was going to refuse to leave the White House and scum like Sidney Powell were going to seize voting machines using the military. But hey, did you hear about Joe Biden’s age?

Note 12: Veterans and military families are sick of Tommy Tuberville’s bullshit. Why isn’t everyone? More: CBS

Note 13: Not only is the crazy shit Trump is saying on Truth Social being ignored by the media, but it’s also losing him a shitton of money. So that part is kinda funny. More: Hollywood Reporter

Note 14: Remember when Ohio voters voted overwhelmingly to codify abortion rights in the state constitution? Well Ohio Republicans don’t. Or at least they’re acting like they don’t. These people fucking insane. More: AP

Note 15: Seriously this guy sucks SO much…

Note 16: Tim Scott dropped out. We know we talked about it yesterday but it’s still really fucking funny to us. 

Note 17: Gas prices keep dropping. That’s good, right? More: Yahoo Finance

Note 18: Fox News fired a reporter for telling the truth. That ain’t exactly shocking, is it? More: HuffPost

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note. So here’s a story about Democratic donors abandoning Kyrsten Sinema the way she abandoned us. More: Politico

Note 20: And on that rather amusing note, let’s go do some news! We hope your week is off to a good start and we hope you already canceled your subscription to the NYT because seriously what the hell. Love y’all!

JOKUS

So remember how we found out that Clarence Thomas and Sam Alito are corrupt as fuck? And remember how we’ve always known that about Brett Kavanaugh and Amy Coney Barrett? And remember how the Supreme Court doesn’t have any code of ethics and we’re just supposed to take their word for it that everything is cool? Well that’s all still true but now they have a toothless code of ethics that won’t actually change anything. The good news is the pressure is clearly getting to those twisted fucks so keep cussing their names.

More: NBC

Bidenomics

So inflation is down. Like way down. And yeah everything is still expensive as hell except gas prices are down too. And every other big country that went through the same pandemic we did is having way higher inflation. Mloeanwhile everyone who works in a union basically is getting raises and better treatment on the job. The unemployment rate continues to be at a 50 year low and Biden has overseen the creation of well over 13 million jobs. Are we fucking crazy or is this what every one of us is supposed to want? We feel like we’re losing our goddamn minds sometimes.

More: Wall Street Journal

Just say please

MAGA Mike Johnson has a plan to pass a spending bill to avert a government shutdown this weekend but he’s going to need Democrats’ help to pass it. We say fine whatever. As long as the creepshow isn’t ramming his extremist right-wing bullshit down our throat, then give the baby his bottle. And this morning the lunatics of the House Freedom Caucus came out against the plan so that does make it sound more appealing. Maybe at some point the press should point out that Republicans are simply incapable of governing without Democratic help.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

Investigators are working to determine who is responsible for a massive fire over the weekend that has forced the indefinite closure of part of Los Angeles’ Interstate 10, as fire officials say the blaze was likely arson. More: CNN

Top Republican lawmakers brushed aside questions about former President Donald Trump’s alarming vow to purge his political opponents, which he referred to as “vermin” in a Veterans’ Day message over the weekend. More: HuffPost