11.13.23 Taking a moment to cuss Joe Manchin

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it went out and found a made-up girlfriend, became the laughing stock of the political world and still aint’ gonna become goddamn president.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the eff are you today? Already forgetting what it felt like to win last week and increasingly freaked out by next year? Well we definitely feel that. Especially since most of Orange Assbreath’s speeches these days could fairly and accurately be called Hitler speeches. Like actually fucking Hitler speeches. And his statements aren’t much better.

Well that’s pretty fucked up. Like insanely horrifically fucked up. Like holy shit how are any of us supposed to sleep for the next year fucked up. Since we were spiraling, we needed to get some perspective on this shit so we interviewed some actual vermin. Here now is our chat with Reggie the Rat…

TBS: Hi Reggie! Thanks for joining us.

Reggie the Rat: Hey guys. Big fan. Scary shit, huh?

TBS: Tell us about it. Are you worried?

Reggie: Of course I’m worried! That motherfucker is crazier than a shithouse me. But I’m also offended. I might be vermin but I never talked about having sex with my own daughter like that deranged freak.

TBS: Oh yeah, Trump did do that didn’t he?

Reggie: Yep. And I never sent a bunch of shit-eating scumbags to attack the US Capitol either.

TBS: Yeah he did that too. So what do you think we should do?

Reggie: I think you should stop freaking out and start focusing on beating his gross orange ass before shit gets really scary. I mean I’m the sonofabitch who got blamed for the bubonic fucking plague and even I’m not as much of a danger to humanity as that piece of shit.

TBS: That’s good advice, Reggie. Thanks for joining us.

Ok, y’all heard him. And yeah it’s crazy to be taking advice from a rat but it’s a lot crazier to be compared to one by a would-be dictator. So break’s over. Let’s get back to work. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Btw here’s how the butt-kissing cowards at the NYT covered that Nazi shit…

Note three: We’re gonna talk about this more in the news section but Tim Scott’s totally real girlfriend must be crushed to know she won’t be First Lady or Tim Scott’s totally real girlfriend. LOL just doesn’t seem strong enough. More: CBS

Note four: So the government is totally shutting down this weekend, right? We’re beginning to think the taint-kissing Taliban of the US ain’t too good at this whole governing thing. Hell, they’re not even that good at being human. More: CNN

Note five: So Trump hung up on Kim Kardashian. Is that the most sane thing his twisted dumbfuck orange ass has ever done? Can everyone please hang up on Kim Kardashian now? Like the whole world? More: Axios

Note six: We’ll talk more about this is in the news section but FUCK THESE FUCKING MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

Note seven: That last note was actual technical political jargon.

Note eight: Everyone we know is sick. Please go get your shots. See if they’ll throw in some morphine so it’s a party.

Note nine: If you celebrate Diwali, we hope it has been awesome. Also, we kinda want to celebrate Diwali. Can someone show us how?

Note 10: RFK is gross. Like really really really fucking gross. Oh and he walks totally barefoot in planes.

Note 11: We were gonna comment on the whole David Cameron news but we’re a little busy with our own fucked up shit. More: AP

Note 12: How great did your president look last Friday standing with UAW members? That’s our guy. And if you’re someone who works for a living in this country, he’s your guy too. More: NBC

Note 13: The QAnon Shaman is running for Congress, immediately making him the most normal fucking Republican running for office at the moment. More: NBC

Note 14: Don Jr. is testifying in his family’s fraud trial today. When reached for comment, Cocaine said it was planning to enjoy the rare day off. More: AP

Note 15: It’s Merrick Garland’s birthday. We were gonna send him best wishes, but we decided instead to wait three years and wish him a Ha Bir.

Note 16: Trump’s spokesman says they’re really not gonna round up people they hate and put them in camps and if you ask about it again you’ll be the first person put in the camps. Call us crazy but we believe him.

Note 17: Abigail Spanberger is running for governor. It’s a little early for us to endorse but we like her more than whatever Glen Youngkin shits out to run. More: CNN

Note 18: Lower gas prices are good, right. Thanks, Dark Brandon. More: CBS

Note 19: We’d say Jill Stein sucks but that seems unfair to sucks.

Note 20: We like to end on a happy note but Megan Rapinoe got injured in her final professional game and goddamn that sucks hot butt. But thank you for a brilliant career, Pinoe. You’re one of the best to ever do it. More: Yahoo Sports

Note 21: And on that disappointing note, let’s go do some news! We know it’s Monday and Trump is talking nazi shit, but it could be worse — you could be Tim Scott. Or his girlfriend. LOLOL!!!! Love y’all!

Fuck you, Joe

We seriously almost did a special Veterans Day edition that was only three words — Fuck Joe Manchin. Yeah, the corrupt miserable piece of shit who gets off on children in poverty announced last week he won’t run for re-election. He was gonna lose anyway, but now he’s free to fuck up democracy and America in new and creatively awful ways. Get ready for Joe Lieberman to run this degenerate scum for president. And because it needs to be said over and over again — fuck Joe Manchin.

More: ABC

LOLOL!!!

We know this is shocking news, but Tim Scott ain’t gonna be president. Of anything. But especially not president of the United States. After enduring months of humiliation and having to invent a girlfriend to appease the sick bloodthirsty fucks of the GOP, Scott finally suspended his campaign. You might be wondering if he still counts as a loser since he never actually made it to an Election Day. The answer is yes. Yes he is.

More: AP

Something serious

We were crushed to hear about the deaths of five US service members during a training exercise in the Mediterranean this weekend. They were brave men and women. They were not suckers and losers. They were serving this country and they gave what Lincoln called the last full measure of devotion. Our hearts break for their families, and we wish them godspeed. Thank you to President Biden for his poignant words and condolences for these fallen heroes.

More: AP

Today’s clips

Former Speaker Kevin McCarthy hasn’t decided whether he will run for reelection next year. More: HuffPost