1.11.24 The Hunted

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it could be soooooo much worse.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! It’s so great to see you today! Especially after such a crazy unhinged news day yesterday. Ya know, the thing about writing a cussing poop joke politics newsletter every day is that occasionally you almost cross a line. A line of decency and good taste. And we almost did that today. GASP! Yes we know that’s shocking to hear but it’s true.

You see we almost published a fake interview with Hunter Biden’s genitals. Yeah we know. But a talking penis accusing Marjorie Taylor Greene of stalking it seemed really funny late last night. Don’t worry! We didn’t go through with it. Because honestly even for us that would be seriously messed up. Hilarious commentary? Absolutely. But also very very messed up. After all, we ain’t trying to be anything like Marjorie Taylor Greene. So instead we’re gonna be serious and remind everyone what 2024 is really all about…

And there it is. That fucking piece of shit is responsible for stripping basic human rights away from millions of American women and now he’s fucking bragging about it. So if we’re going to show a talking dick, let’s show the one that wants everyone to know he killed Roe v. Wade. And then let’s beat his orange ass at the polls. Again. Y’all have a blessed day. And stay angry.

Note two: Chris Christie dropped out last night. Before he did, he scorched DeSantis and Nikki Haley in a hot mic moment. And this is all really really funny to us. Bye, Chris. More: CNN

Note three: Haley shocked us last night. She was awful as usual but she also said that Biden won and that Trump has to answer for Jan. 6. Of course she also wants a national abortion ban, can’t decide what caused the Civil War and she’s never gonna be president, but that was still nice to hear. More: Washington Post

Note four: We have to admit that there’s a part of us that will really miss making fun of Pudding Fingers DeSantis. We’re just grateful for all the laughs we’re gonna have when he has to drop out like the repugnant loser asshole that he is. More: CNN

Note five: We’re gonna talk more about how House Republicans went all dick pic nutjob yesterday but we do want to take a moment to express some real love and appreciation for House Democrats like Jamie Raskin and Jasmine Crockett who fight back like some real badasses.

Note six: Also, we fucking pissed our pants laughing when Moskowitz held up that poster of Trump with Epstein.

Note seven: That’s a lot of Threads. Is it working for y’all? We know we’ve been shit about returning emails (they piled up and now we don’t know what to do), but shoot us a note and let us know if you’re digging our new social media efforts. We’re still fighting the good fight on twitter, but we’re almost exclusively using threads here.

Note eight: Trump acknowledged taking money from China while he was president. “I was doing services for them.” Um ok. More: Newsweek

Note nine: Remember when the mainstream media told us Nancy Mace is a moderate? That trash is just Marjorie Taylor Greene with all her toes. More: New Republic

Note 10: Trump and his allies have launched a full on smear campaign against Fulton County DA Fani Willis. We know Willis probably knew this was coming but it’s still fucking gross to watch. More: Rolling Stone

Note 11: In Tennessee, Justin Jones was barred from speaking yesterday. Sound familiar? More: News Channel 5

Note 12: Nick Saban is retiring and Bill Belichick is out at New England. We realize not all of y’all will agree with this sentiment but HELL FUCKING YEAH!!!

Note 13: When they’re not showing dick pics, House Republicans are already coming for MAGA Mike Johnson because he agreed to a spending bill with Schumer. Yesterday they voted down a rule on the floor that made clear to even the most ardent beltway kiss-asses that these assholes just can’t govern. More: CNN

Note 14: And this is how it’s going for the House Republicans focused on tearing down Dark Brandon and his family…

Note 15: You know how Trump was going to deliver closing arguments at his trial and we said that was never gonna happen? Well it ain’t happening. The judge said Trump refused to agree to some basic rules so he can’t open his gross mouth. More: AP

Note 16: How pro-life are Republican governors? They just rejected federal money to feed kids during the summer. So not pro-life at all. They just hate and want to control women. More: Common Dreams

Note 17: Folks, COVID is really having another moment. Please get the latest booster. That shit is no fun and still really really dangerous. More: HuffPost

Note 18: The Consumer Price Index report for December came out this morning. It’s more good news from the fight against inflation. Thanks, Dark Brandon. More: CNN

Note 19: We like to end on a good note and today we’re relying on something Molly Jong-Fast spotted in Politico. It’s called good polling news and we’re not used to seeing mainstream publications print it.

Note 20: And on that encouraging note, let’s go do some news! Big thanks to House Republicans for all the laughs yesterday. Maybe the Fox News crowd thinks this shit is serious but we sure love watching House Democrats feast on embarrassing incompetence. Love y’all!

The Hunted

Yesterday Hunter Biden shocked House Republicans by showing up at their bullshit committee meetings where they voted to advance a resolution holding him in contempt. Yeah, they want to hold him in contempt for not honoring a subpoena to testify behind closed doors even though he showed up to testify publicly. And we loved it. Someone needs to call bullshit on this garbage line of attack from the GOP and we were glad to see Hunter and House Ds firing back. We’d rather be talking about the economy but that’s just not gonna happen with this opposition party and this press corps. So instead let’s expose the endless stupidity of the scary kids.

More: NBC, HuffPost

Big fucking deal

Yesterday the White House announced that a record 20 million Americans have signed up for Obamacare. The program is now more than 10 years old and we are damn happy to see it thriving even though Republicans are still trying to kill it. Just remember — if Trump wins again and succeeds at destroying Obamacare, those 20 million people will lose their healthcare. And so will anyone with a pre-existing condition. Between that, the terrorism shit and the abortion shit, it sure seems like we should beat this asshole.

More: AP

This needs to stop

Trump is back in court today for the closing arguments in his fraud trial. But it was delayed because police and fire fighters had to go to the judge’s house because someone called in a bomb threat. How much longer until one of these domestic terrorist attacks isn’t an empty threat? How much longer until Trump gets someone else killed? How much longer until a smitten press corps starts taking these threats of violence seriously? Because we are sick and fucking tired of being threatened by Trump and his thugs.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

Another powerful storm is preparing to unleash blizzard conditions, severe thunderstorms, damaging winds and brutal cold across the eastern half of the US in what will be a dangerous dose of déjà vu for many. More: CNN

Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-Colo.) was cleared Wednesday of domestic violence allegations after police found no evidence to support her husband’s now-recanted claim that she punched him in the face during a Saturday fight, the Silt, Colo., Police Department said. More: The Hill