11.1.23 About damn time

Be advised: This newsletter puts the pro in profanity.

Note: Um, we don’t want to alarm you, Sexy Patriots, but it’s fucking November. Yeah, it’s true. Shocked the shit out of us too. Maybe it’s the calendar or maybe it’s all the free drugs people were handing out to trick-or-treaters, but we’ve really been pondering the concept of time. That shit, as they say, slips away.

We’ve got an election next week, and in just a few days, we’re going to be one year out from the presidential election. And yeah that is fucking terrifying. Kinda thing you circle on your calendar and then immediately get the ass sweats going. But we’re here to tell you to keep your buttcheeks dry. It’s going to be ok. How do we know? Well, we’ve got you.

You sexy mofos are our secret weapons. Every time we need y’all to step up and save democracy and make the psychos cry, you come through. And we know you’re gonna do the same next week AND next year. We know that’s a lot of pressure, but we also know you can handle it. After all, ain’t nobody else coming to save this country so it might as well be your hot asses who save our bacon.

Start small. Pick a Senate or House campaign and get involved. Then chip in where you can for Dark Brandon. Tell your friends and neighbors about the good job he’s doing. If they start going all Fox News on you, help them get their heads out of their butts. They’ll be so grateful they’ll vote with you forever.

The main thing is don’t despair. We’ve got time, we’ve got numbers and we’ve got righteousness on our side. All they’ve got is a fucking gameshow host. We got this, SPs. We can feel it in our bones, and they’ve never lied to us before. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: If that pep talk didn’t work, just laugh your ass off at Ron DeSantis. All the cool kids are doing it. Hell, the uncool kids are doing it too.

Note three: Just go ahead and start getting ready for a government shutdown. The dumbshits are in charge of the House now and they only know how to do dumbshit stuff. More: HuffPost

Note four: Tommy Tuberville is trying to get around a hold on military promotions put in place by… Tommy Tuberville. Yeah, he’s just not that bright, folks. It’s really only a matter of time until he calls himself a shit-eating traitor. And we’ll have to agree. More: NBC

Note five: Anti Semitism is evil. Islamophobia is evil. This really obvious shit has been brought to you by TBS and common fucking decency. More: CNN

Note six: Punchbowl is straight up garbage but this poll is delicious. Bye, Kyrsten. Thanks for screwing over Republicans the way you’ve been screwing over Democrats these last few years.

Note seven: We continue to be utterly horrified and confused that Mitch McConnell is right about something. More: Politico

Note eight: But don’t worry. Turtlenuts is still wrong and awful about pretty much everything else. More: HuffPost

Note nine: The House is thinking about expelling George Santos today. We get why, but he seems perfectly normal to us. Normal for a Republican in 2023 that is. So yeah on second thought kick his ass out. More: CBS

Note 10: It seems like a big fucking deal to us that the current president of the United States is on a crazy hot winning streak for American workers. That’s how you can tell we don’t work at the New York Times. More: Bloomberg

Note 11: Mississippi Gov. Tate Reeves is corrupt as all hell. His opponent is related to Elvis. How is this not a slam dunk?! More: Mississippi Today

Note 12: We have to say we’re really digging the trend of politicians cussing. Especially when they’re standing up for people.

Note 13: Some asshole in Alabama was busted for threatening Fulton County DA Fani Willis. Maybe they should also arrest the asshole in Florida who’s basically doing the same thing. More: ABC

Note 14: Marjorie Taylor Gross isn’t ruling out a future run for president. And we’re not ruling out pooping ourselves laughing at the idea. More: Atlanta News First

Note 15: It’s pretty insane that Acapulco got slammed with a hurricane that came out of nowhere and nobody is really talking about it. We can either do something about climate change or it can do something about us. More: Philadelphia Inquirer

Note 16: We don’t know about y’all, but we’re taking the Matthew Perry loss pretty damn hard. More: CNN

Note 17: Trump’s lawyer says they never think about him going to jail. Which is funny because that’s pretty much all we think about.

Note 18: Today is the start of Native American Heritage Month. As we remember the countless contributions and gifts from indigenous peoples, we should also probably remember that this country was straight up stolen from them.

Note 19: We like to end on a good note but today we thought we’d end on a hilarious one. Don Jr. is being called to testify about his and his daddy’s corrupt fucked up criminal company. We’re hoping he has a really really unpleasant day. More: NBC

Note 20: And on that knee-slapping note, let’s go do some news! Y’all are the fucking best and we are so gosh dang grateful to you for joining us each day. Especially when things are scary and shitty. Because there is nobody we’d rather be in this fight with than you. Love y’all!

About damn time

Well, we finally have an ambassador to Israel. And not a second too soon. Former Treasury Secretary Jack Lew was confirmed yesterday. Finally. And let’s be honest, if Republicans had their way, the job would’ve stayed open. And who can blame them? It ain’t like there’s anything going on, right? Good luck to Jack. We really mean that. Wanna hear something really fucked up? Lindsey Graham and Rand Paul were the only Republicans to support him. Yeah we don’t get it either.

More: Politico

Thank you, Jezebel

Ohio Republicans are pulling out everything but the kitchen sink to try and confuse and deceive voters ahead of next week’s vote on protecting abortion rights. They’re throwing so much bullshit at the wall you really couldn’t blame voters for not knowing which way is up. So giant thanks to the good folks at Jezebel for breaking down that bullshit. And please vote YES on Issue 1.

More: Jezebel

$90 billion

Yesterday we told y’all about MAGA Mike Johnson’s shocking and shitty plan to barter aid for Israel/Palestinians in exchange for protecting rich tax cheats. His reason is that America has a spending problem that needs to be addressed. So how much would his plan save? Well actually it would cost quite a bit. We’re beginning to think these lying traitors are being disingenuous. Dark Brandon issued a veto threat over the idea yesterday afternoon and it’s safe to say we’re totally cool with that.

Today’s clips

Speaker of the House Mike Johnson closely collaborated with a group in the mid-to-late 2000s that promoted “conversion therapy,” a discredited practice that asserted it could change the sexual orientation of gay and lesbian individuals. More: CNN

Saudi Arabia is all but certain to host the men’s 2034 World Cup after the Australian soccer federation decided not to enter the bidding contest, which had been widely seen as shaped by FIFA to suit the oil-rich kingdom. More: HuffPost