1.10.24 History

Be advised: This newsletter has newsletter immunity to say the word fuck as much as it wants. It’s in the newsletter constitution.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! Happy Hump Day! By now you’re probably seen that Donald Trump is arguing that he should have absolute immunity to do whatever the fuck he wants to. In fact, he says all presidents are afforded this blanket right to do all the crimes they like…

LOL. Ok bro. While this might seem like the ramblings of a goddamn moron who doesn’t know shit all about the US Constitution — and it totally is — it has also given us a plan for Joe Biden’s winning campaign strategy. We’re calling it the Purple Nurple Plan. If Trump’s lawyers are right that a sitting president can order Seal Team Six to murder a political opponent, then surely President Biden can select one Green Beret to follow Trump around wherever he goes to deliver a purple nurple, a noogie or even an atomic wedgie. We didn’t make up these rules, sir.

So try to imagine Trump launching into one of his daily bullshit spew-a-thons as a burly soldier walks over and starts twisting on his large and strange orange nipples until the former president begins weeping and screaming “UNCLE” as loud as he can while obviously peeing himself. He wouldn’t get 10 votes.

Now is any of this realistic or reasonable? Of course not. We think political violence is gross and un-American. But if that dumbshit wants to keep playing these games, then we think Dark Brandon has no choice but to make Trump’s point for him. Or maybe we could all just use the rule of law and settle this shit peacefully at the ballot box. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Oh look who’s on his birther bullshit again? Thank you to HuffPo for pointing out what all of Trump’s targets have in common. Hint — they’re not white. More: HuffPost

Note three: We totally forgot to mention that murderous asshole Wayne LaPierre stepped down as head of the NRA just before the civil trial got started. Now we just need the rest of the NRA to step down. More: AP

Note four: Tennessee Republicans hate democracy about as much as Washington Republicans hate democracy. And Washington Republicans REALLY hate democracy. More: Heartland Signal

Note five: Things are going great for Dean Phillips. And no we have no idea who the fuck Dean Phillps is. It’s almost like we’re New Hampshire voters.

Note six: We keep forgetting that House Republicans are planning to impeach Secretary Mayorkas because the GOP has made a total goddamn joke out of impeachment. But maybe that’s the point. More: Axios

Note seven: The Philly Inquirer’s Will Bunch is one of the best out there these days. Read his latest about the Iowa caucuses being held on MLK Day. More: Inquirer

Note eight: We know we joke around like this a lot but we seriously had no idea that Asa Hutchinson is still running. But at least we know who he is. Right, Dan Phillips? More: UALR

Note nine: Thank you to the New Republic for laying out what Trump isn’t allowed to say at the next E. Jean Carroll trial. More: New Republic

Note 10: This seems like a real damn problem to us. But it’s not like he and his asshead army have attacked America before. Oh shit that’s right.

Note 11: We don’t show nearly enough love to Maryland Gov. Wes Moore who is adding his name to the increasingly long list of kick-ass Democratic governors. This week, Gov. Moore is introducing new gun violence prevention legislation. Keep an eye on this rising star. More: Fox5 DC

Note 12: We agree that it’s bad that SecDef Lloyd Austin kept it to himself when he had a medical issue, but now that we know he has prostate cancer we’re gonna wish him the best and not be dicks about it. We doubt everyone will join us. More: CNN

Note 13: If you’re someplace where it’s snowing, flooding or cold as a motherfucker, please be safe.

Note 14: Melania’s mom died. We’re not evil like Trump so we’ll just say condolences. More: CBS

Note 15: This doesn’t have anything to do with politics, but we thought it was funny. Should not be confused with nazi suck toad Stephen Miller.

Note 16: Here’s the latest in the saga of Lauren Boebert. We’ve gotta be honest — We’re so sick of this trash and how gross it is that we really just want to flush and move on. Help us out, Colorado. More: HuffPost

Note 17: MAGA Mike Johnson told Hugh Hewitt this morning that he’s going to brief Trump today on the spending agreement he made with Schumer. You won’t be surprised to hear that Hugh didn’t ask him why the fuck he’s doing that. More: Politico

Note 18: There are a lot of people who need to fuck right off when it comes to talking about Taylor Swift and Fox News is at the top of that list.

Note 19: Y’all know we like to end on a high note and we can think of no higher note than the news out of St. Paul, Minn. that the city’s first all-woman city council has been sworn in. All seven members are women, and six are women of color. So yeah St. Paul just got a lot smarter. More: CBS

Note 20: And on that wonderfully encouraging note, let’s go do some news! You’re halfway through the week, SPs. Hang in there, be safe, stay sexy and watch out for purple nurples. That shit hurts! Love y’all!

Thank you!

We’ve made a big deal of Dark Brandon hitting the campaign trail to kick off a crucial 2024, but we should be noting that VP Kamala Harris is burning up the trail as well. The vice president was in Georgia yesterday to meet with voting rights activists at “ground zero” of the fight for voting rights. These visits are damn important and that’s evidenced by the local coverage linked below. We’ve heard Democrats say they want to see the White House is taking this campaign deadly seriously. Well, take a look at how POTUS and VPOTUS are spending the start of the year. Now let’s get their backs.

More: AJC

LOLOL

So yesterday evening, news broke that Trump is planning to handle part of his closing argument at his New York fraud trial Thursday. Yeah, that shit ain’t happening and we all know it. But still, it’s pretty fucking gross watching him try and hijack the legal system and turn it into one of his fucked up campaign orgies of dumbshittery. While it would no doubt be hilarious to watch him do his best Matlock (Asslock?) impression, there are just too many morons out there who would be cheering him on and hanging on his every word. So let’s hope this shit doesn’t happen. And remember the last time he said he was going to do this he didn’t.

More: ABC

History

So Florida probably isn’t allowed to teach this, but Virginia is making the good kind of history today. Don Scott will be sworn in today as Speaker of the House of Delegates. Don Scott is Black. Richmond was the capital of the fucking confederacy. Virginia has been around for 400 years. This is a first. Congratulations to Speaker Scott and the commonwealth of Virginia. Now please make Gov. Youngkin’s life hell.

More: NPR

Today’s clips

A second transgender woman’s candidacy for the Ohio House of Representatives was challenged because she didn’t disclose her birth name, or “dead name,” on her campaign petition. More: HuffPost

Antisemitism has “skyrocketed” across the United States in the three months since the October 7 Hamas attacks on Israel, according to new data released Wednesday by the Anti-Defamation League. More: CNN