10.5.23 Don’t let the door hit you

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it never covered up for a molester wrestling coach or compared itself to David Duke.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How is it possible that we are still freaking laughing about Kevin McCarthy’s downfall? Well, we got a look at the people running to replace him, that’s how. LOL.

In one corner, you have Gym Jordan, whose past is so gross we call him Gym and everyone knows exactly what we mean by it. In the other corner you have Steve Scalise, who referred to himself as “David Duke without the baggage.” Ugh. It’s some pretty grim shit. So why are we laughing? Because these dumb motherfuckers just can’t stop destroying themselves and as Democrats who like winning elections, we really appreciate that.

The American people can see what a Fox News Fuck Up the GOP has become, and the GOP seems determined to keep hammering that point home. So we weren’t at all surprised to see a new entrant in the race for Speaker yesterday. Sexy Patriots, here is our interview with A Single Turd in a Dixie Cup —

TBS: Um thanks for joining us?

A Single Turd in a Dixie Cup: No problem, guys! Great to be here. Pardon the smell.

TBS: It’s ok. We’ve interviewed Republicans before. So you’re running for Speaker?

ASTIADC: I am. I decided to throw my turd hat in the turd ring because I think I can bring more dignity, more class and more focus to House Republicans.

TBS: But you’re just a turd in a dixie cup.

ASTIADC: Exactly.

TBS: Touche. So do you think you can win?

ASTIADC: Who knows? But I’ve got a better personality than Jordan and I smell better than Scalise. So if I had fingers, I’d cross them.

TBS: Um ok well good luck or something.

ASTIADC: Thanks guys. Please remember not to flush.

Well that was gross. But still not as gross as the other dudes running for that seat. And don’t listen to that sick sonofabitch. Flushing is good. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: This picture really says it all, don’t it? LOL.

Note three: We knew that alarm was being sent to our phones yesterday. We even put it in the fucking newsletter. It still scared the shit out of us.

Note four: Well this is amazing. Remember how Elon bought twitter for $44 billion and then totally wrecked it? Well now it’s worth $8 billion. So it seems that nazis don’t actually add value. We could’ve guessed as much. More: Reuters

Note five: We’re about done using tweets here at TBS. We like them because they break up the text and add some visual stuff, but that rich boy dingus has just about ruined it. Makes you wonder why the ADL is trying so hard to play nice with him. Seems like a bad time for that organization to become a joke. More: CNN

Note six: This right here is what needed to be said. Thank you to AOC for saying it.

Note seven: The knives are out for Matt Gaetz. Last night a Republican senator said that Gaetz showed pictures on his phone of women he had sex with and bragged about snorting boner pills and drinking energy drinks. So why didn’t you say something before, Senator? More: CNN

Note eight: Trump has been pushing articles about him becoming speaker. We think this is a great idea. Go ahead and do it. We fucking dare ‘em. (h/t Kyle Cheney)

Note nine: Elise Stefanik wants to be majority leader. Normally we’d say that’s a terrible idea but since it’s a majority of assholes and she’s a super asshole it kinda makes sense. More: NBC

Note 10: You know how the Supreme Court is totally corrupt and broken and took away basic human rights from millions of Americans? Well the American people have noticed too. And now, by an 8-point margin, they support expanding the court. Let’s go! More: WXOW

Note 11: It’s fun to laugh at the circus. Especially when the clown gets eaten by a tiger and then pooped out in front of everyone. But don’t forget for one second what we’re up against and what we have to stop.

Note 12: We want to send prayers and love to Morgan State University which had the uniquely American experience of a mass shooting the other night. The school has canceled its homecoming. Goddamnit. More: ESPN

Note 13: What that Libs of TikTok person is doing to schools and children’s hospitals should be a felony and a national outrage. Instead the only outlet writing about this shit is Vice. More: Vice

Note 14: LOLOLOL!!!! Rudy Pooliani is suing Joe Biden for defamation. We hear he had to borrow the money for a stamp to send in the lawsuit. We’re not lawyers, but he ain’t gonna win this. More: CNN

Note 15: October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Thank you to FLOTUS for this important message.

Note 16: Joe Biden is going to make a major speech on Ukraine. Good. We need to remind the American people why this is so important. A missile strike from Russia killed another 50 Ukrainians last night. That shit is not ok. More: NBC

Note 17: Do you live in Kentucky? You must love basketball, bourbon and want to save your state from Republican creeps. The voter registration deadline is Oct. 10 at 4 p.m. Eastern. If you ain’t registered, get on it. And if you are, check to make sure.

Note 18: Goddamnit. They banished Commander Biden from the White House. We think they should keep Commander and get rid of the rotten Secret Service agents that Commander was clearly onto. More: NPR

Note 19: Let’s end on a great note! SIMONE!!! American gymnast Simone Biles and Team USA were back in action this week, winning a seventh straight world gymnastics title. According to USA Today’s Nancy Armour, this was Biles’s 33rd medal at the world championships and olympics and she is the most decorated gymnast, male or female, at the world championships. She’s got 26 of ‘em and 20 of those are gold. More: USA Today

Note 20: And on that inspiring note, let’s go do some news! The week is almost over, SPs. Hang in there. You can make it to Friday. You’re not Kevin McCarthy. LOL. Love y’all!

Don’t let the door hit you

Not long after Kevin McCarthy was booted from the speaker’s office, House Republicans launched a revenge mission on Nancy Pelosi and Steny Hoyer, kicking them out of their Capitol offices. Pelosi was at Dianne Feinstein’s memorial service when they did it. So why would these scumbags do such scummy shit? Well because they’re scumbags. But also because Kevin McCarthy told them to. Yeah, it was one of his last acts and just as petty and cheap as his sorry ass is. We are definitely not gonna miss that asshead.

More: CNN

Git him

After days of Trump whining and lying and threatening people during his New York trial for fraud, New York AG Letitia James had enough yesterday and called out Trump’s bullshit. She declared that she would not be bullied. Trump responded by running away like a little coward back to his South Florida Syphilis Factory and then posting on Truth Social for “HELP.” We’re not even kidding. He actually posted that. He’s fucked and he knows it. Thank you to AG James and her team for having the courage to take that sonofabitch on and make him hurt.

More: NBC

Loser Alert

Ron DeSantis is in a bad way. His campaign is so broke he couldn’t use a spoon to eat pudding if he wanted to. Yeah, third quarter fundraising reports are starting to come in and Racist Ron’s are the easiest to laugh at because dude is sucking wind. DeSantis raised only $15 million and only has $5 million cash on hand. LOL. Adam Schiff is running for the Senate and he has $32 million cash on hand. Is DeSantis even gonna make it to Iowa?! Trump put up $45.5 million raised with $35 million in cash for the primaries. Or for his lawyers. Yeah it’ll probably go to the lawyers.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

Sen. Bob Menendez’s (D-N.J.) then-girlfriend, now wife Nadine, hit and killed a man with her car in New Jersey in December 2018, according to police records first reported by NorthJersey.com and The Record on Wednesday. Nadine Menendez, then named Nadine Arslanian, wasn’t charged over the car crash. More: HuffPost

Sen. Robert Menendez (D-N.J.), who is refusing to resign after being indicted on bribery charges, faces an uphill battle for another term should he persist in seeking one, according to a new poll commissioned by Data for Progress. More: HuffPost

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