10.4.23 Wait for the beep

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like Kevin McCarthy’s fan did yesterday. LOL.

Note: HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

(Takes a deep breath)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

(Another really deep breath)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Holy freaking shit, Sexy Patriots. We are seriously fucking dehydrated from crying tears. It’s been approximately 14 hours since Kevin McCarthy got the boot from his own party and we haven’t stopped laughing for one single fucking second. It’s actually becoming cause for concern. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck that dude lolololololol.

We were so overwhelmed with mirth that we really weren’t sure which direction to go in today. We thought about doing an interview with Fake Matt Gaetz, the speaker’s gavel or even McCarthy’s family who are going to have to see him more now. But then we decided we’d be like Kevin and instead just be classless assholes. So we’re just gonna point and laugh and laugh and laugh at the fucking loser who thought he could keep kissing deranged extremist ass without it ever coming back to bite him.

Yeah, instead of being clever, we’re just gonna be petty like the GOP. Please join us as we continue laughing our asses off at a completely shameless dumbshit whose only real talents are for kissing butt and somehow getting reporters to kiss his. So bye, Kevin. You will be neither missed nor remembered. Now send in the next fucking clown. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: There were so many great posts about this hilarious shit yesterday but this was one of our favorites…

Note three: We want to thank and congratulate Democratic Leader Hakeem Jeffries on keeping the caucus unified yesterday. We also want to thank Kevin McCarthy’s shit personality for keeping Democrats unified yesterday. It was really a team effort.

Note four: Who do we want for the next speaker? The molester guy? The David Duke guy? The guy that got caught fucking a stuffed squirrel? More: HuffPost

Note five: Admit it. You thought that last one might be real. And it probably is.

Note six: In case you need reminding (and we know you don’t), we are dealing with the actual scum of the earth…

Note seven: Btw, Republicans just adjourned Congress for a week. They literally just came back from a long vacation to pretend they were impeaching Joe Biden and kick their speaker to the curb. It’s almost like these people who kiss Donald Trump’s ass 24/7 aren’t serious people.

Note eight: Probably our favorite part of yesterday were the reporter tweets about the Republican members who were crying. Over Kevin McCarthy. Seriously we can’t stop laughing.

Note nine: There are Republicans who want to make Trump the new speaker. LOL. As people who want the American people to see just how fucking ridiculous and destructive Republicans are, we say go for it. More: HuffPost

Note 10: So mad lolol…

Note 11: We’re gonna get back to laughing at Republicans in a minute. But first we want to tell you about Allie Phillips and why these assholes aren’t actually something to laugh about. Allie had to leave Tennessee when she was pregnant and her life was at risk due to complications. She needed medical care that Republicans outlawed. Now Allie is running for the Tennessee statehouse. We’re rooting for her. And we suspect there will be more candidates like her soon. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Also, this seems like a good time to bug y’all about getting the new COVID shot. We swear it’ll make you better looking. It didn’t for Sam, but it will for you.

Note 13: Republicans are trying to get their SCOTUS friends to kill the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. It didn’t go well for them yesterday. But with this court, that of course does not matter one bit. More: HuffPost

Note 14: We can’t do better than this…

Note 15: And because the Republican Party wasn’t batshit crazy enough yesterday, Kari Lake used the time to launch her Senate race. LOL. Cool with us! More: CNN

Note 16: Aaron Rogers is trying to impress Joe Rogan. Travis Kelce is dating Taylor Swift. You don’t have to be a football fan to know the score here. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Jake Sherman, who is as mad as Republicans over losing his daddy Kevin McCarthy, spent the morning making excuses for the GOP attacking House Democrats. Go easy on Jake. He’s sad because the ass he’s been kissing has gone away and it ain’t coming back. Good luck finding a new ass, Jake!

Note 18: Hey Ohio! Y’all are voting on some pretty big shit this November. So make sure you’re registered. Please. Pretty please. Pretty please with sugar and basic human rights on top. More: Ohio Capital Journal

Note 19: Y’all know we usually end on something positive. But today we want to end on some Republican bullshit. And we want to say very clearly that we hope this fucking loser crawls under a rock and stays there until the end of time.

Note 20: And on that infuriating note, let’s go do some news! The weekend is almost here, SPs, but the party has already started. We know y’all are fucking cracking up over this hilarious shit just like we are. Or maybe you’re more concerned about the country. Come to think of it, that would be the more mature and normal reaction. Oh well. Fuck the losers. Love y’all!

Shut it, Orangey!

Remember when Joe Biden told Trump to shut up during that debate? Well now a judge is saying it too. The judge in Trump’s fraud trial issued a limited gag order yesterday after Trump fired off a totally unhinged Truth Social post attacking the judge’s clerk. He attacked the judge’s clerk. We really shouldn’t be shocked when the guy who attacked the Capitol does this deranged shit but goddamn that is so messed up. The reality is that until that motherfucker spends a night behind bars, he’s just gonna keep doing this crap. Good luck shutting up, Big Mouth!

More: CNN

In other news

So something fucking huge happened yesterday and it was totally overshadowed by the Republican Party eating Kevin McCarthy like the dumbest school of piranhas you ever saw. California and the United States of America got a new US Senator yesterday as Laphonza Butler was sworn in by Vice President Kamala Harris to replace the late Sen. Dianne Feinstein. Butler is the third Black woman to serve in the Senate. Harris was the second. Butler is also the first LGBTQ+ Senator from the Golden State. Also, EMILY’s List has been doing great work for years. We know there are different opinions here, but we see a lot to celebrate so that’s exactly what we’re gonna do.

More: ABC

Wait for the beep

Hey so today’s last news item isn’t about politics. It’s just a heads up. Your phone is gonna go off today. At 2:20 p.m. Eastern, FEMA is going to be testing the new Wireless Emergency Alerts by sending text messages. You can turn your phone off and not have to deal with it. Or you can just ignore it. Or you can freak out about something totally harmless like a bunch of right-wing dipshits are. Personally we’re excited. Nobody ever texts us. Looking forward to hearing from you, FEMA!

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

U.S. President Joe Biden plans to announce on Wednesday that his administration has approved an additional $9 billion in student debt relief for 125,000 borrowers, the White House said. More: Reuters

Workers at Kaiser Permanente — the nation’s largest health-care nonprofit organization — began a strike Wednesday morning that is set to within hours see more than 75,000 union members walk out of hospitals and medical offices after the company and labor negotiators failed to resolve a dispute over staffing levels. More: CNBC