10.3.23 The real sucker/loser

Be advised: This is a cussing newsletter. Sometimes it dreams it’s a flying newsletter but then the fucking alarm goes off.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! We hope your Tuesday is as sexy and patriotic as your hot asses are. Us? We are also sexy and patriotic and having a great Tuesday. Mostly because we’re not in a cult that kisses the gross butt of a piece of shit monster asshead like this dirty dumb sonofabitch…

What the fuck? So is this just America now? A deranged gameshow host can threaten whomever he wants and we’ve just all gotta take it so his idiot followers don’t attack our Capitol again? Because that’s some bullshit and we sure as hell didn’t sign up for that. So here’s TBS’s humble suggestion: LOCK HIM THE FUCK UP.

Yeah, we realize they started this shit, but also they started this shit. And our people didn’t do a fucking thing wrong. That’s the difference. Trump breaks like 30 laws before he eats a baby deer’s soul for breakfast and we’re frankly fucking sick of it. Yeah, we know he’ll just turn this into more grievance and blah blah blah. We don’t care. Lock his fucking ass up. Because if anyone in the Sexy Patriot Universe ever attacked a DA or a judge like this, we’d be spending at least one night in the clink. Do we believe in due process? Yep. And he can get his while he’s waiting behind bars. Enough is enough and we reached enough with this motherfucker years ago.

So yeah, LOCK HIS FUCKING ASS UP AND LOSE THE FUCKING KEY AND IF SOMEONE FINDS IT THROW IT IN THE OCEAN LIKE THAT LADY DID AT THE END OF TITANIC. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: If that sounded unhinged, you should’ve heard us when we were screaming it over the phone this morning. Yikes.

Note three: Btw, we haven’t thanked New York AG Letitia James nearly enough for all the threats and horrible bullshit she’s been fighting against to serve this shiteater some justice. Thank you!!! More: NBC

Note four: Ben Collins at NBC did a deep dive and discovered that Elon Musk is using a white nationalist’s playbook for twitter. We appreciate this good journalism but also yeah we know. He ain’t exactly subtle about that shit. More: NBC

Note five: Hooray for science! A cheap malaria drug has been given the green light by the WHO. This will save lives! Fox News is gonna be furious. More: BBC

Note six: At Thanksgiving dinner, we’re gonna make sure to tell the table how grateful we are for Mary Trump.

Note seven: Trump complaining about not having a jury when his dumbshit lawyer didn’t ask for one is just too perfect. More: Business Insider

Note eight: Y’all want to hear us be annoying as hell again? Oh good. Please get the new COVID vaccine. And your flu shot. And whatever else science has to offer that isn’t an Elon Musk brain chip.

Note nine: Last night Lindsey Graham went on Fox and said “we’re not going to let New York get away with this.” Don’t you wish some Capitol Hill reporter would stop kissing Lindsey’s sorry ass long enough to ask him if he’s threatening Americans? NO LINK

Note 10: LOLOL. You know that police chief who led a raid on a Kansas newspaper and the editors’ and reporters’ homes? Well he just resigned. We sure hope the door did in fact hit him where the good lord split him on his way out. More: CNN

Note 11: We don’t usually go for New Yorker humor since it ain’t got no cussing. But this made us laugh. (h/t Tara Dublin)

Note 12: After Matt Gaetz filed his motion to vacate last night (his effort to boot McCarthy as speaker), Democrats laughed at him. We’d bet they were laughing at him before then too. More: Mediaite

Note 13: Thank you to Vox for catching how these two scumbag shithead Trump judges are trying to rig a US House election. They’re basically the fucking QAnon Shaman in robes with lifetime appointments. More: Vox

Note 14: Today is the day when everyone quotes Mean Girls because they say Oct. 3. We actually really like that movie and this tradition so get on it.

Note 15: LOLOL. John Eastman didn’t get bailed out by the Supreme Court. And Clarence Thomas actually recused himself from a Jan. 6 case! Do you believe in sad miracles?! More: NBC

Note 16: It is difficult to describe how hard this shit makes us laugh. Guts busted, knees slapped and sides split. Losers.

Note 17: It also cracks us up when Trump screams into the void over late night hosts making fun of him. Must not be a drop of ketchup left in South Florida. More: HuffPost

Note 18: So Marjorie Taylor Greene’s boyfriend says liberal women are “the ugliest.” We should consider the possibility that this dumb motherfucker doesn’t actually know what ugly means. More: HuffPost

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note, so here’s a story about President Biden and actress Selma Blair (and her amazing dog) celebrating the ADA yesterday. We’ll just keep saying it — we sure prefer having a good person as president instead of a shit-eating scum monster. More: AP

Note 20: And on that wonderful note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having the best week. We know y’all are out there fighting the good fight and we sure are grateful. Love y’all!

Dark Brandon!

While Trump is on trial and Kevin McCarthy fights for his political life, Joe Biden just keeps fighting for Americans. Today the White House is announcing that the companies that make the 10 drugs the administration has targeted for price negotiation have agreed to participate in the negotiations. Biden is lowering prescription drug prices and it’s barely a story. But goddamn it sure is a victory for the American people. Thanks, Dark Brandon!

More: ABC

The real sucker/loser

So remember how Trump said all that horrible shit about the military and wounded and killed service members? Well it was all true. But you already knew that. Now, however, John Kelly has come out and confirmed it all. Yeah, Trump’s former chief of staff who was happy to go along with all this shit and smear people while serving Trump is now saying the guy whose ass he kissed hates the military. Gee thanks. The funniest part is that Trump and his merry band of dirtbags thought all these blind quotes had been coming from Gen. Milley. Oops.

More: CNN

Fuck you, Kevin

As we write this morning, Kevin McCarthy is begging to keep his job after Matt Gaetz filed a motion to vacate last night. McCarthy apparently received several standing ovations during the GOP caucus meeting this morning proving that people will stand and clap for just about anything. Anyway, we have no idea how this is gonna play out today. We do know we better sure as fuck not see any House Democrats bailing this asshole out. McCarthy refused to negotiate with Democrats to save his ass, so as far as we’re concerned he can fuck off. Have a fun day, Kev!

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

If you hear a screeching alert go off on your cell phone – and everyone else’s cell phone – this Wednesday at 2:20 pm ET, don’t panic. More: CNN

Philadelphia journalist and advocate Josh Kruger was shot and killed at his home early Monday morning, according to police. More: CNN