10.31.23 It’s a Halloween miracle!

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it just saw a ghost or some deranged asshole trying to take basic human rights away from women.

Note: Happy Halloween, Sexy Patriots! Hope y’all are feeling festive and spooky today. We are too. We love the holidays and no matter how old we get, we especially love this one. And frankly, we could use the fun and obscene amounts of candy. We don’t know about y’all, but we’ve been a little fucked up lately.

Yeah, we don’t mind admitting to y’all that we’ve been more than a little frightened these last couple weeks and twice as pissed off. Why? Well, the sonsofbitches who tried to overthrow our government and haven’t stopped mostly. They have a way of getting under our skin. And you know what we like to do when we’re frightened and pissed off? We like to vote like fucking crazy.

We’ve got one week, y’all. One week to show the press, the pundits and the putzes who can’t stop kissing orange ass just how fucking angry we are. In one week, we can send a message to the world that the nutjobs are not in charge. We are. So let’s do that.

To use technical terms, we know shit is fucked up right now. And the only way it’s gonna get un-fucked up, is we un-fuck it up. So for the next week, let’s give these races everything we’ve got and un-fuck up that which is fucked up. We can do this, SPs. We know because we’ve done it before. Keep your heads up, keep kicking ass and keep it sexy.

Give ‘em hell, you gorgeous defenders of democracy. It’s what they deserve. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: The White House is in the Halloween spirit. We like the jack-o-lantern they left rotting on the curb after the 2020 election.

Note three: We’ll talk about this more in the news section but everyone is shocked the new Speaker of the House is a right-wing extremist lunatic fuckhead, right? LOL. Yeah, us neither.

Note four: MAGA Mike’s wife took down her shockingly anti-gay website. It’s ok. We already know she’s trash. More: HuffPost

Note five: Oh look, a Virginia Republican caught on tape talking about taking away more abortion rights. We gonna let that happen? Hell no we’re not. Let’s do this, Virginia. More: Richmond

Note six: How bad are things going for Ron DeSantis? Well the main story about his campaign this week is about how he wears lifts in his boots. Poor dumb motherfucker is probably wishing he could talk about his gross pudding fingers some more. More: HuffPost

Note seven: This is some pretty hilarious shit. Politico talked to expert shoemakers about little Ron’s booster boots. Just drop out and crawl back under your rock, Puddin’. More: Politico

Note eight: Senate Democrats are trying to subpoena Harlan Crow and the rest of the corrupt shitheads who broke our Supreme Court. We’re happy to see this but also wondering what the fuck they were waiting for. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Iowa Republicans say they don’t care that Trump is skipping debates. This ain’t exactly shocking since they also don’t care that he attacked the US Capitol. He could steal their fucking car and they’d say his feet were hurting. More: Des Moines Register

Note 10: We have no idea who the hell this Tim Scott person is but he’s right about Trump.

Note 11: Joe Biden is the most kick-ass pro-union president of our lifetimes. Maybe people should talk about that more. Or just generally fucking acknowledge it. More: New Republic

Note 12: The effort to kick Trump’s orange ass off the ballot in Colorado got started yesterday with a cop testifying about how the dick-tator damn near got him killed. Seems like a pretty goddamn good reason to keep him off the ballot to us. More: CNN

Note 13: Wisconsin Republicans tried to fire the state’s top elections chief. A judge says that’s bullshit and they can’t. We agree with the judge. More: Minn Lawyer

Note 14: We’re a little freaked out that Joe Biden isn’t going to be on the ballot in the New Hampshire primary. It’s nice to see some folks pushing a write-in campaign. More: PBS

Note 15: Republicans in Kentucky are desperate to make the governor's race about anything other than the governor's race. Sorry but it ain’t gonna work because Andy Beshear has been a damn good governor. Do the right thing, Bluegrass State! More: HuffPost

Note 16: This made us laugh. And then do one of those long sad sighs.

Note 17: Politics is such a mess these days that it’s almost refreshing that you can count on Joe Manchin to be a corrupt pig-fucking scumbag.

Note 18: Twitter told its employees that the company is now worth $19 billion after Elon Musk paid $44 billion for it. It’s almost like people don’t like nazi fuckhead assholes. More: Fortune

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note, but it’s Halloween so here’s the video for Thriller. Just a warning — if you try to learn this dance it will take all day and you still won’t figure it out. Or at least that has been our experience for more than 30 years now.

Note 20: And on that spooky but brilliantly choreographed note, let’s go do some news! We hope your week is off to an awesome start even though things are scary as fuck right now. Please have a safe and happy Halloween and eat all the candy you want. Yeah, we’re bad influences. Love y’all!

Lock him the eff up

You’re not gonna believe this but a Jan. 6er got violent and had to be restrained in a courtroom yesterday. Yeah, they’re usually such chill people. Some scumbag named Vitali Gossjankowski was ordered to surrender into custody yesterday and he didn’t take it well. A half-dozen US marshals and FBI agents had to physically take his ass down. We’re starting to think these miserable dirtbags don’t have any respect at all for our institutions. Oh well. Enjoy the clink, dingus.

More: WUSA

It’s a Halloween miracle!

Yesterday Media Matters released a report about how cable news is largely ignoring Trump’s deranged gaffes and verbal fuck-ups. To our great surprise, both the New York Times and Axios did stories this week about Trump’s age and clear mental issues. Of course they both suck so they couldn’t help but also make their stories about Biden’s age, but this is a welcome if long overdue development. Because that sonofabitch is crazier than a shithouse rat.

More: Axios

Extortionists

House Republicans say they are ready to help Israel but only if they can help their rich tax cheat friends at the same time. Yeah in what is one of the dumbest political moves we’ve ever seen, new Speaker of the House Mike Johnson says the House will pay for an Israel supplemental bill but only if they can roll back the funding for the IRS that was included in the IRA. You’re correct that this would add greatly to the deficit and cost average Americans more money. You’re also correct that Republicans are corrupt fucking idiots. Good luck with this one, Mike. Not everyone is as dumb as Manchin is.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

The Biden administration is proposing a new plan to forgive student debt, months after the Supreme Court struck down President Joe Biden’s sweeping pandemic-era debt relief plan in June. More: NBC

Israeli troops battled Hamas militants and attacked underground compounds on Tuesday with a focus on northern Gaza, from which an estimated 800,000 Palestinians have fled south despite continued Israeli bombardment across the besieged enclave. More: HuffPost