It’s Monday. There are 373 days until the presidential election and EIGHT DAYS until this year’s elections. The UAW (and Biden) wins big, Republicans try to get rid of those pesky voters and Trump gets gagged again.
Be advised: This newsletter cusses like America lost a Friend this weekend.
Note: Sexy Patriots! How the hell was your weekend? Better than Mike Pence’s right? LOLOL!!!!!!!!!
Breaking: Mike Pence, speaking at the RJC, just said he's suspending his presidential campaign.
— Kyle Griffin (@kylegriffin1)
Oct 28, 2023
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! To quote Ace Ventura, La-hoo-za-her. What a freaking loser!!! Like how the hell is this dumb dirty motherfucker shocked that the people who tried to kill him and his family weren’t sending him money or gonna vote for his campaign? He ain’t too bright, is he? We wanted to get to the bottom of this and make fun of it some more so we interviewed that fly that landed on his head a few years ago. Enjoy!
TBS: Welcome, fly.
Fly: Name’s Toby. Thanks for having me. Big fan.
TBS: That’s nice. So were you surprised to see Pence drop out?
Fly: LOL! No. But nobody was. He’s a loser. He stinks of butt-kissing and failure.
TBS: Was that what drew you to him?
Fly: Most definitely. That and the total lack of self-respect. I knew I could sit on his empty head for as long as I wanted and he wouldn’t do shit.
TBS: How embarrassing for him.
Fly: I have more respect for the puddle of cow diarrhea I just had for breakfast than I do Mike Pence. And I have no respect for that puddle of cow diarrhea.
TBS: Well that’s upsetting. Thanks, Toby.
Sorry, everyone. Toby can be a little gross. He did after all land on Mike Pence. Goddamn this is funny. We thought he’d at least make it to Thanksgiving. Oh well. More time to be weird with Mother. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: We need to take a second to talk about Matthew Perry. If y’all know us, you know we fucking love the show Friends. And we especially love Chandler Bing. Perry’s death this weekend at the age of 54 hit us like a ton of bricks and we just wanted to tell y’all that if you’re having a hard time with addiction, there is another way. We promise there are so many people who love you and life is a lot better without a bunch of shithead demons fucking you up. RIP to a wonderful actor who gave us a lot of joy and laughter. More: Harpers
Note three: We are EIGHT FUCKING DAYS out from an election. Y’all know what is at stake. So we don’t have to be nagging dicks about it. But please let us leave it all out on the field. No waking up on the day after Election Day and wishing we’d done more. Let’s go!
Note four: There are some seriously terrifying scenes of antisemitism unfolding around the world right now. Good on the Biden administration for taking it on here at home. More: NBC
Note five: This scene at a Russian airport is downright fucking chilling… More: HuffPost
Note six: Also, we don’t think dropping bombs that kill children is a good thing either. Is that controversial? More: HuffPost
Note seven: Holy cow! Can you believe Joe Biden doesn’t know which city he’s in? Oh wait. That’s Trump. Gonna be a big story all week, right?
Trump gets the name of the city he’s in wrong, forcing someone on stage to apparently whisper in his ear where he actually is: “You’re in Sioux City, Mr. President”
— Biden-Harris HQ (@BidenHQ)
Oct 29, 2023
Note eight: It was a rough weekend for some of our favorite sitcom actors. RIP to Richard Moll. More: EW
Note nine: That asshole in Spain who forcibly kissed that woman soccer player after she’s just won the World fucking Cup has been suspsended by FIFA for three years. Seems light to us. More: ESPN
Note 10: The Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee is launching its ground game already, opening command centers in five states. These are some pretty fucking important states so if you’re looking for a place to get involved, this is a good start. More: The Messenger
Note 11: VP Harris says we’re gonna win but it’s gonna take a lot of hard work. No lies detected. So let’s get to it, shall we?
Vice President Harris on the 2024 election: We are going to win. It’s going to be a lot of work, and everyone’s going to have to participate. This is a democracy
— Biden-Harris HQ (@BidenHQ)
Oct 30, 2023
Note 12: Mike Johnson is a fucking nightmare. Like we only kinda sorta knew bigots like this still existed. His wife seems really cool too. And by cool we mean pure fucking evil. More: HuffPost
Note 13: Ivanka Trump has to testify with the rest of the Trumps because, like them, she is criminal human garbage. Trump isn’t taking it too well. But he always says creepy shit about her. More: HuffPost
Note 14: We should probably just get in the habit of saying Fuck Dean Phillips. What an asshole. More: NBC
Note 15: Well here’s a little treat for y’all this Monday. Bet we all have a better day than this asshole.
US Bureau of Prisons report shows Enrique Tarrio is now serving time in the US federal prison in Atlanta. Estimated release date: Dec 5, 2040
In his seditious conspiracy case
— Scott MacFarlane (@MacFarlaneNews)
Oct 27, 2023
Note 16: George Santos is going to trial on Sept. 9, 2024. That seems like a really long way away for someone who is really really really obviously fucking guilty. More: NBC
Note 17: We’ve been pretty skeptical of these efforts to keep Trump off the ballot in some states. But we’re still rooting like hell for them. More: NBC
Note 18: Tommy Tuberville is scum. And not like smart scum either. Really dumb scum. And he wants you to know that even a world on fire won’t stop him from fucking with the US military. More: CNN
Note 19: We uh don’t really know what this is but we felt like we needed to share it with you.
Flavor Flav sings the National Anthem at the Milwaukee Bucks game:
— philip lewis (@Phil_Lewis_)
Oct 30, 2023
Note 20: And on that lovely note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all had the best darn weekend a person can have. Now let’s kick some serious taint these next eight days and next week we’ll be celebrating like some wild motherfuckers. Sound good? Awesome. Love y’all!
Remember when the UAW strike was gonna be so bad for Biden? It was just sooooo shocking that a sitting US president would join picketing workers on the line. Well guess what — the workers won. And so did their friend Joe Biden. The UAW has announced tentative agreements with the remaining two big auto companies and it is definitely something to celebrate. So get ready for a shitload of stories about how Joe Biden stood up with working people and got them a better deal. Just be patient. They’re coming any minute now.
Republicans are really scared about next week’s elections. How do we know? Well they’re trying to get rid of voters with purges. In Ohio, the GOP purged 27,000 voters (oh and the state Senate is running a disinformation campaign) because they are desperate to keep Ohioans from keeping abortion legal. And in Virginia, the asshole we were told was a moderate has purged 3,400 legal voters so he can force through his anti-abortion policies and control women some more. They are fucking scared. And they fucking should be.
Trump has been gagged again by Judge Tanya Chutkan. She had momentarily stayed the order after Trump appealed but then he went and did a little public witness tampering and she put the order back on. Trump didn’t take it too well. But he’s also a deranged psycho. Maybe one of these judges should start taking this shit a little more seriously. Seems like a night in jail might help Orangey figure out how this stuff works.
President Joe Biden on Sunday pressed his Israeli counterpart to “immediately” scale up the flow of humanitarian aid into Gaza, and a top Israeli official told CNN as many as 100 trucks a day could soon be moving into the enclave. More: CNN
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu on Sunday issued a rare apology after assigning sole responsibility to the country’s intelligence and security services for not preventing an attack the Hamas militant group launched on the country on Oct. 7. More: HuffPost