10.27.23 A Golden moment

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it has been a fucking week.

Pre-note: WHAT ARE Y’ALL DOING THIS WEEKEND? KICKING ASS FOR DEMOCRACY BECAUSE WE’RE ONLY 10 DAYS OUT FROM SOME SERIOUSLY CRUCIAL ELECTIONS? OH THAT’S AWESOME. WE ARE TOO!

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we made it to Friday after a tough few days. We’ve heard from quite a few of y’all who are struggling to make sense of a world gone mad and a Republican Party gone batshit poop-yourself-on-purpose crazy. So what are we gonna talk about today? A delusional fucking Democrat of course.

We couldn’t agree more, Dean Phillips. Whoever you are. It’s a bummer you chose bullshit, bro. And lots of it. Yeah, we should be spending this space giving y’all an old fashioned TBS pep talk or freaking the fuck out over the new Christofascist Speaker of the House but noooooo. Instead we’ve gotta talk about someone named Dean fucking Phillips who thinks he’s gonna beat Joe Biden for the Democratic presidential nomination. Goddamn this is so annoying and dumb. We were just gonna make fun of dude for a few minutes but we figured we’d act like pretend reporters and do a real fake interview. So here’s an interview with Dean Phillips’s mom…

TBS: Hi, Dean Phillps’s mom.

DPM: Hey guys! Big fan!

TBS: Thanks! So why is Dean Phillps running for president?

DPM: Who the fuck is Dean Phillips?!

TBS: Exactly. Thank you for joining us.

Welp not exactly a ringing endorsement. It’s almost like this egomaniacal asshat should just stay in Congress and stop wasting everyone’s time and money. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We do want to be serious for a second and say that we know it’s been a rough week on top of a rough month and we sure hope y’all are hanging in there. The Sexy Patriot Universe needs you in it, and American democracy needs you fighting for it. Please don’t forget that TBS loves you.

Note three: You know who else loves you? Our weekly podcast of course! This week, This Week’s Big Stuff hosts a roundtable with some famous movie monsters to discuss just how utterly fucking terrifying the new Speaker of the House is. Join us and help keep TBS going.

Note four: The sonofabitch in Maine who shot a bunch of people is still on the run. And the new Speaker of the House is going on television to say that guns aren’t the problem. It sure didn’t take long to see what a dangerous asshole this dangerous asshole is. More: Axios

Note five: We’re gonna talk more about this in the news section but holy freaking shit this guy is nuts…

Note six: We haven’t had a chance to listen to Taylor Swift’s new stuff yet. But we already know it’s awesome.

Note seven: Marjorie Taylor Greene filed a resolution to censure Rashida Tlaib for “inciting an insurrection.” We know that’s bullshit because if Tlaib had really incited an insurrection, Marge would be kissing her ass. More: NBC

Note eight: And good on Democrats for firing back by forcing a censure vote on Greene. Ya know, someone who actually did incite an insurrection and tries to incite a new one every goddamn day. More: The Hill

Note nine: We aren’t lawyers or judges or even that familiar with the law in general. But it seems obvious to us that Ivanka Trump should have to testify. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Seriously this dude is crazier than a shithouse rat…

Note 11: Congress’s approval rating is down to 13 percent. So we know 13 percent of respondents are super into day-drinking. More: The Hill

Note 12: Btw we’re sending love to Acapulco. There was a massive hurricane that wrecked the area and nobody really seems to give a damn. More: CNN

Note 13: George Santos is in a courtroom today. He’s expected to plead not guilty to a bunch of new charges. But we still think he did it. More: CBS

Note 14: Blake Masters is running for Congress. We think it’s dumb that he keeps running for office and we’re super worried that he might actually win one day but it is nice that he has something to distract him from being Hannibal Lecter’s creepy friend. More: Politico

Note 15: If you had a rough week, just remember it could be worse. You could be Robert E. Lee. Dude is on an epic losing streak.

Note 16: Fani Willis is cleaning house. She’s already got a couple Trump assholes to flip and she’s working on five more. Can she be the new Merrick Garland please? More: CNN

Note 17: The corrupt dumbfucks who just needed three weeks to make an insurrectionist Speaker of the House are still trying to impeach Joe Biden. Fuck it. Bring it on. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Larry Elder has ended his presidential campaign. Did y’all know he was running? Yeah, we didn’t either. We barely remembered the dude existed. More: HuffPost

Note 19: We’d like to end today on an inspiring note from Sydney McLaughlin-Levrone. We are huge fans of one of the fastest women on the planet and we think it’s so cool and important that she’s talking about how anxiety held her back in the past. Thank you, Syd!

Note 20: And on that touching note, let’s go do some news! It was the week from hell, SPs. Please make sure you’re prioritizing your mental health. And please don’t get too down in the dumps. You’re the same sexy badass who survived four years of Trump. There’s nothing you can’t do. Love y’all!

Good Georgia news

Earlier this week Georgia pissed us off by allowing a six-week abortion ban to go through. Yesterday Georgia made us smile when a federal judge struck down the state’s federal congressional and state legislative maps because they violate the Voting Rights Act. Yeah, the VRA is still hanging on by a thread but it’s still doing important things. Why are the maps illegal? We’ll give you one guess and it rhymes with they’re racist as fuck.

More: AP

MAGA Mike

So yeah as we mentioned a few times in the notes, Mike Johnson is like a turd with a razor blade in it — a scary little shit. Since he became Speaker after being a relative nobody, we’ve found out a lot about Johnson and none of it is good. He is a true believer who clearly hates gay people, women, democracy and anyone who doesn’t want to be shot while minding their own business. This dude is basically Trump’s mini-me with a dash of Taliban leadership thrown in for funsies. It seems really obvious he wants to shut down the government, cut social security and medicare and impeach Biden. We’re gonna have a good time running against the fuckers who voted for this dude. Let’s just hope we can get around his next coup attempt after we win.

More: Guardian

A Golden moment

We’ll be honest. Until yesterday we had as much respect for Maine Rep. Jared Golden as we did Susan Collins. Mostly because they were pretty much the same person. But yesterday Golden came out and said that he was wrong to oppose an assault weapons ban and he has changed his mind after the mass shooting in Lewiston. Now we could be dicks and ask him why it took a bunch of murders for him to see some really obvious shit but we’ll be gracious instead and say thank you, Congressman, for coming to the sane side.

More: NBC

Today’s clips

Judge Arthur Engoron on Thursday defended his $10,000 sanction against Donald Trump after the former president violated the gag order barring public comments about members of the judge’s staff, rejecting another appeal by Trump’s attorneys to drop the fine. More: CNN

Israel’s defense minister said Friday that it expects to launch a ground offensive into Gaza soon that will be long and difficult, and aim to destroy a vast network of tunnels used by the territory’s militant Hamas rulers. More: HuffPost