10.26.23 This is America

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like… well… oh goddamnit y’all know.

Note: Hey Sexy Patriots. Fuck. Fuck Fuck. Yesterday was a dark and uniquely American day. And we sure as shit don’t mean that in a good way. We wrote a post that tried to be funny. It’s below if you need a laugh or just want to patronize us. But we wrote it before we heard about the mass shooting in Maine. And a few minutes later we got an email from an SP who was having a hard time with everything in the news. How the hell isn’t everybody?

We don’t have anything profound to say except to state the obvious — Republicans might have killed democracy yesterday and their policies killed a lot of people in Maine. Evil is running amok and laughing in our faces. And we are so fucking sad and so fucking mad about it that we don’t really know what to say except this — we love y’all and we’re not stopping for one goddamn second because we know you’re not either.

Things are pretty darn dark right now. Whatever you’re feeling, you are right to feel it and you are definitely not alone. We promise. There’s a whole Sexy Patriot Universe in this boat with you. And we don’t despair. We cuss and make poop jokes. And some days we grieve and rage. This is one of those days. And tomorrow will hopefully be a poop joke day. Just hang in there, SPs. It might not be possible to imagine right now, but there is a day down the road where we have fought, won and fixed this shit. And for that day to happen, we have to keep working our hot asses off today.

Take breaks, take deep breaths and then let’s take out the garbage who turned our nation into this fucking nightmare. We love you, SPs. And we’re damn grateful to you for sharing this ride with us. Now here’s our funny note. Sorry for the long edition today.

Note two: Well Sexy Patriots, we finally got a Speaker of the House. And that sure as hell ain’t good news. Why? Well because the dingus they picked is one of the worst dinguses they could’ve picked. Just look at this little shitweasel…

Pardon our French but that’s some bull-fucking-shit. How do we know? Well, we interviewed God. Here it is…

TBS: God, thanks so much for joining us. We know you’re super busy.

God: No problem, guys. Big fan. Love the pod you’re doing too.

TBS: Thanks! And thanks for not minding how shameless we are. So do you know this fella who keeps talking about you?

God: Nope. Never met this little prick in my life. Wish he’d keep my name out of his mouth.

TBS: But don’t you love everybody?

God: LOL. No, dudes. That would be impossible. Have you never heard Marjorie Greene talk? Plus everyone knows I came out like 175 million years ago and this shithead clearly hates gay people.

TBS: Good point.

God: And like other women, I’m pretty me-damn disgusted these motherfuckers keep trying to regulate our bodies. Maybe if I hadn’t given a-holes like this such little Mike Johnsons then they wouldn’t be trying so hard to control women.

TBS: Zing! So what’s next for America?

God: Y’all are so fucked. Anytime you hear some dickhead throwing my name around while trying to hurt people then you know shit is gonna be bad.

TBS: That’s what we were afraid of. Dang. Well thanks so much for joining us!

God: No problem. Now stop killing each other. It’s like one of the only things I asked you dumbasses to not do and you keep doing it. Also stop killing the planet I gave you. I’m seriously thinking about bringing dinosaurs back if y’all don’t get your shit together.

TBS: We’ll pass that along. Thanks!

So there you have it from the woman in charge — Mike Johnson is full of shit. But you probably already knew that. God help us all. Wherever she is. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note three: They are literally calling this asshole “MAGA Mike.” Not hard to see where this crazy train is headed.

Note four: This is a bit out of left field, but is anyone else as excited to read Britney Spears’s new memoir as we are?

Note five: Hey we almost forgot for a second that Clarence Thomas is corrupt as fuck Nah just kidding. We never forgot. More: CNN

Note six: It’s seriously not hard to see where this is going. Unless you’re a beltway reporter apparently.

Note seven: In Texas, Republicans are using the highways to try and control women’s movements to stop them from getting abortions. Yes it’s beyond fucked up and if the new Speaker of the House gets his way, it will be national policy. More: AP

Note eight: Richard Roundtree died. Shut your mouth! We’re just talking about Shaft. He was a bad man. RIP. More: NBC

Note nine: Ford and UAW have reached a tentative agreement and it looks pretty fucking great for the workers. The middle class is having a moment under the Biden presidency. But does anyone realize it? More: Yahoo Finance

Note 10: How are we feeling about the elections next month? Are we working our asses off? Ok cool. We knew y’all were on the case and that makes us feel way better.

Note 11: And in other gag order news, Jack Smith is asking Judge Chutkan to put hers back in place after Trump did a little witness tampering with Mark Meadows the other day. Does everyone get judges this lenient or is it just the people who are actively destroying the rule of law? More: CBS

Note 12: Bob Menendez is polling at 8 percent. So now we know that 8 percent of New Jersey is related to Bob Menendez because how the hell else can you support that corrupt motherfucker? More: NJ Globe

Note 13: Biden was hosting a state dinner for the Australian prime minister last night when he had to leave to be briefed on a mass shooting. So the Aussie PM got the full American experience. Goddamn was a fucking tragic embarrassment. More: Barrons

Note 14: This is paywalled but it’s quite a story. And a good reminder that our country has a lot of good and inspiring shit too. RIP.

Note 15: The scum at No Labels have decided that MAGA Mike Johnson actually isn’t a Trump Republican. Yeah, and they’re fucking moderates. More: Politico

Note 16: Sean Hannity says he’s going to karate chop his way out of a mass shooting. We just figured he’d try to ass-kiss his way out of it. It’s what he does for everything else. More: Media Matters

Note 17: New York Republicans say they’re going to expel George Santos. We’re not sure why. They vote just like him. More: CBS

Note 18: Rep. Bowman pleaded guilty to pulling a fire alarm. It was a dumb thing to do. Now can we get back to the fuckers killing our democracy? More: CNN

Note 19: Finally today, let’s end on something wonderful because dog knows we fucking need it. Here’s our Vice President and Second Gentleman crushing it at the state dinner.

Note 20: And on that stunning note, let’s go do some news! We love y’all so much and we know this is a hard time. Please hang in there, SPs. And if you need to do some cussing, just shoot us a note. We love that shit!

Orangey has a sad

Yesterday in a New York courtroom was nuts. Judge Engeron put Trump on the stand and made him explain why he wasn’t violating the judge’s gag order when he walked outside and once again trashed the judge’s clerk. The judge did not find Trump believable. He then fined him $10,000. And that’s the part we find unbelievable. Trump then stormed out because he’s a giant fucking baby and this morning the dickhead’s lawyer is still arguing about this shit. Maybe the judge should get actual tough and send a message to playtime is over. But that’s just us. And we probably wouldn’t be very good judges.

More: NBC

This is America

So as we mentioned in the opening note there was another mass shooting last night. This time in Lewiston, Maine. It’s a town of 39,000 that used to be famous for hosting Muhammad Ali’s famous bout against Sonny Liston. Now it’s another mass murder site. Eighteen are dead. Dozens more injured. The shooter is still at-large. He has lots and lots of accomplices. They’re called Republicans.

More: CNN

Wow!!!

We got GDP numbers for the last quarter and holy fucking shit. That’s technical economic speak for an economy that is rolling. The number came in at 4.9 percent for the fourth quarter, double what it was in the last quarter and setting up growth for the year at over 4 percent. That is insane! Joe Biden saved the economy after a once-in-a-century pandemic and we’re somehow stronger than ever. This is huge. We just need everyone to know it.

More: CNBC

Today’s clips

Newly elected House Speaker Mike Johnson’s path in Republican politics began with a yearslong role as the senior attorney and national spokesperson for a group on the religious right dedicated to dismantling LGBTQ+ freedoms and outlawing abortion. More: HuffPost

Speaker of the House Mike Johnson has a history of harsh anti-gay language from his time as an attorney for a socially conservative legal group in the mid-2000s. More: CNN