10.25.23 Half-flip

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it thought it was gonna be Speaker of the House for like four goddamn hours.

Pre-note: IS EVERYBODY SICK OF DUMB MEAN SONSOFBITCHES LIKE THE BUTTHEADS IN THE HOUSE? OK AWESOME SO ARE WE. SO LET’S WORK OUR HOT ASSES OFF FOR THE NEXT 13 DAYS TO MAKE SURE MORE DUMB MEAN SONSOFBITCHES DON’T GET ELECTED AROUND THE COUNTRY! GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT, SPs!

Note: We’re trying to convey a sense of urgency with those pre-notes but we’re worried it’s coming across as us just yelling at some really sexy and patriotic people we actually really love. And we tend to save the yelling for the moronic motherfuckers who have somehow made Jan. 6 last almost three goddamn years.

So is everybody on the same page about what’s happening here? Republicans are making it crystal goddamn clear that they hate democracy and gay people and they want a Speaker of the House who will go to war with both. Truth be told they seem to hate all non-orange Americans and that includes most of us and even themselves. Yes it’s insane and beyond fucked up and it’s also very very real and real real scary. Trump is going on trial for the last coup attempt while actively engineering the next one. Does this seem like a HUGE fucking deal to y’all? Because it sure as shit does to us.

Trump is bragging that he “killed” Emmer, he’s just picked one of his top buttlicks to be Speaker and everyone in Washington seems to be acting like this is just another clown show hahaha. Ok fine but only if you’re talking about John Wayne Gacy because these clowns are here to murder us and our democracy and that shit stopped being funny a long damn time ago. And today we just need to freak out about that a little bit.

America is under attack by cruel dumbfucks. Vote accordingly. Y’all have a blessed day. More: Politico

Note two: Seriously it’s 20fucking23. Who the hell still has a problem with gay marriage and how we get them to stop being human garbage?! Don’t answer that. We know you’re busy.

Note three: Seriously y’all this is soooooooo fucking bad. But don’t worry. We’re sure those moderate Republicans we keep hearing about will step up. Oh right. Fuck.

Note four: It’s amazing how fast we went from barely knowing who Dean Phillips is to hating his egomaniacal guts. At least a bunch of soulless consultants will love him. Nobody else will though. More: HuffPost

Note five: This Pennsylvania state Supreme Court race is insanely important. Because the Trumper running is insanely insane. More: Philadelphia Inquirer

Note six: We’re sorry we didn’t spend more time laughing at Jenna Ellis yesterday but the news broke when we were almost done putting TBS together. We didn’t even mention that time that Rudy face-shat all over her and gave her a case of forehead poopie COVID. That’s a real medical thing but don’t look it up. Oh well, now she’s got face shit all over her soul forever. And that don’t wash off, Jenna. No matter how many bullshit tears you shed.

Note seven: We made ourselves laugh with forehead poopie COVID. But really COVID of any kind is no laughing matter. Even the face poopie strain. So please get your updated booster so you don’t end up like Jenna Ellis.

Note eight: Some TV show suggestions from the Sexy Patriot Universe — Lessons in Chemistry, Wheel of Time, Shining Vale, Deadlock, Hacks, The Bear, Good Omens and we’re hearing good things about Fall of the House of Usher. We also really love all Halloween episodes of old sitcoms. Yeah, we’re dorks but you knew that.

Note nine: Thank you to NHL player Travis Dermott and the other cool people in the NHL who forced the bigoted assheads running the league to reverse their position on banning pride tape. As far as we’re concerned league officials can go puck themselves. More: ESPN

Note 10: Michael Cohen testified against Trump yesterday (and he’s back today). We’re guessing Trump didn’t enjoy it very much. He was probably throwing ketchup packets at the wall in the courthouse bathroom. More: HuffPost

Note 11: Sure is hard to believe these fucking people can’t elect a Speaker of the House.

Note 12: Is it wrong that we hope Jenna Ellis is still crying?

Note 13: Hey so our planet is really sick and probably going to kill us all if we don’t stop hurting it. Maybe we should make this a priority? More: Forbes

Note 14: LOL!!! Krysten Sinema says she doesn’t care if she loses because she saved the Senate. What kind of drugs make a person the delusional and where can we get some? More: Business Insider

Note 15: Btw we’re not ignoring the endlessly horrific and scary news coming out of the Middle East. We’re just pissing ourselves too much to know what to say. More: HuffPost

Note 16: These people are fucking crazy. Seriously fucking crazy. Maybe the press should’ve been focused on this shit all along instead of spending too years on wokeness and other dumb shit.

Note 17: Andy Beshear had his last debate against Daniel Cameron last night. We’ll save you the trouble of watching it and let you know that Andy won, he’s been a good governor and Cameron is a corrupt piece of shit who tried to cover up Breonna Taylor’s murder and wants to control women’s bodies. Let’s bring it home, Bluegrass State.

Note 18: HUGE congratulations to the Nashville suburbs on rejecting a neo-nazi candidate. It’s pretty darn nuts just how low the goddamn bar is these days. More: News Channel 5

Note 19: Where our Gen X people at? Because this one is for you. Kurt Cobain’s daughter married Tony Hawk’s son and Michael Stipe officiated. Only thing that shit is missing is a Friends reference. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that fun note, let’s go do some news! This is gonna be a scary one, SPs, so buckle up. Just know that whatever happens we’ll be here to cry, laugh and cuss with you. Keep your gorgeous heads up. Love y’all!

Half-flip

Mark Meadows finally told some truth. Not on tv or in his shitty book but to a grand jury. ABCNews reported yesterday that Meadows was given some immunity from Jack Smith to tell a grand jury the truth about whether the election was actually rigged against Trump. You’ll be shocked to hear it wasn’t and they fucking knew that. This is all good news but you have to wonder if the super slow wheels of justice are so slow that they basically ensured the next coup will work. Because it sure as shit seems like it is.

More: ABC

Goddamnit, Georgia

Yesterday the Georgia state Supreme Court said that the state’s six-week abortion ban is just fine and dandy. Yeah a Fulton County judge had put the Taliban law on hold but the state Supreme Court had other ideas. If we lose in Georgia or Ohio or Kentucky or Pennsylvania this year, they’re going to do the same shit there. Everything is on the line.

Oh shit

It looks like America is finally getting a new Speaker of the House and it is really really really not good. As we’ve mentioned already, Louisiana’s Mike Johnson — a 1000 percent Trump fart-sniffer — is poised to win the gavel after becoming the speaker designate in a closed door vote last night. This is sooooooooo fucking bad, y’all. Johnson was one of the lead architect’s of Trump’s last coup attempt and it seems like a safe bet that he’ll be the lead architect of Trump’s next coup attempt. We honestly don’t know what to say except fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

More: The Hill

Today’s clips

Pennsylvanians will vote on a new state Supreme Court justice on Nov. 7 in what will be the latest test of the ongoing political fallout from the U.S. Supreme Court’s June 2022 decision overturning Roe v. Wade, which ended the national right to an abortion. More: HuffPost

President Joe Biden won’t file to have his name appear on the 2024 New Hampshire Democratic primary ballot, his reelection campaign said Tuesday, opting to skip a contest that the state plans to hold in defiance of a revamped primary order that the White House has championed. More: HuffPost