10.24.23 Let’s get it on

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s how we cope with all the bullshit.

Pre-note: ARE YOU MAKING A DIFFERENCE? ARE YOU GIVING IT ALL YOU’VE GOT TO MAKE SURE WE WIN IN TWO WEEKS? ARE YOU SICK OF THE ALL-CAPS PRE-NOTES? HELL YEAH BABY!!! SO LET’S WIN AND NO MORE CAPS LOCK UNTIL NEXT YEAR WE PROMISE!!!

Note: Sexy Patriots! We’re sure y’all know this but we sure do love crafting this opening note. We tend to put a lot of time, energy and care (and cuss words) into it and so sometimes it can run a little long. But today we’re gonna keep it real simple, short and sweet because it don’t take much to adequately respond to this stupid offensive shit…

Fuuuuuuuuuck that noise. So let’s just do a quick fact-check — This dirty corrupt racist shit-for-brains motherfucker ain’t no Nelson Mandela. He’s barely Nelson Muntz from the fucking Simpsons. And anyone who thinks different on this one can just kiss our asses but they won’t know they’re kissing our asses because they are clearly too dumb to know what an ass or a kiss is. Y’all have a blessed day. And fuck Kim Jong Trump.

Note two: We had to keep that short so a. We didn’t get too worked up and b. So we can talk to y’all about the election that’s happening in TWO WEEKS. It’s getting down to real shit time, SPs. So we want you to get out your crystal balls (get your minds out of the gutter) and look ahead to Nov. 8. That’s the day after the election when the asshead pundits are going to be telling us what this year’s election results mean for next year and just America in general. Do we want them talking about how America is furious with what Republicans have done to us and the GOP should be peeing themselves? Or do we want to hear about how Trump is definitely stronger than anyone guessed? Y’all know which one we prefer and we can guess you feel the same way. So let’s give this everything we’ve got. Abortion is literally on the ballot. The 2024 election is on there too. We can’t fuck around here, team, so let’s go do this thang. Thank you for fighting the good fight. We are damn grateful.

Note three: We are not Houston Astros fans. And we really fucking hate Ted Cruz. So watching Cruz doom the Astros to yet another loss has us feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. Maybe Texas should think about electing a senator who doesn’t suck. More: HuffPost

Note four: And since we’re getting into sports a lot today, let us just say how freaking happy we are to see the news that Mary Lou Retton has been released from the hospital. Get well! More: NBC

Note five: It’s hard to describe just how much contempt we have for chickenshit Democrats who would make the Speaker of the House some asshole who just this week was kissing Trump’s ass. Hakeem Jeffries has done a great job of keeping the caucus together but there are some misguided egomaniacs who think they can be president if they just seem moderate enough.

Note six: We’re not sure if this is accurate or not. There are multiple reports that Rep. Dan Meuser dropped out of the Speaker race. We’re just not convinced that’s an actual human being. UPDATE: Someone named Gary Palmer dropped out too. They’re totally just making these people up. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Remember when Gym Jordan had to drop out because he’s such a creep that even other creeps hate him? That was fun.

Note eight: Trump had a totally batshit crazy day yesterday. Like every fucking day. He promised to bring back the Muslim ban, implement ideological tests to get in the country, said he was never indicted, told Republicans not to worry about voting, confused Turkey for Hungary and the whole Mandela nonsense. Thanks to HuffPo for making an effort to cover all the crazy. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Despite the fact that Trump is a deranged pants-shitting nutjob, USAToday has the race tied with RFK Jr. costing Trump the win. Yeah, this scares the hell out of us too. More: USA Today

Note 10: We really need y’all to come through, Virginia. Non-moderate Glen Youngkin is desperate to control women’s bodies and that’s exactly what he and his party will do if they win in two weeks.

Note 11: Ohio Republicans are doing everything they can to stop women in that state from having basic human rights. C’mon, Ohio. Make these old white dudes eat it. More: Fox

Note 12: Ewwww gross. Did we just link to Fox News?! Sorry about that.

Note 13: Kim Kardashian had Ivanka Trump as her guest at her birthday party. So we continue to hate Kim Kardashian. And Ivanka. Especially Ivanka. More: W Magazine

Note 14: Y’all, we’ll admit that we’ve been a little skeptical but we can actually win this guv race in Mississippi. Let’s shock the world, Magnolia State! More: Mississippi Today

Note 15: We know John Fetterman is a very busy man, but we need to make him an Honorary Sexy Patriot. Because this man speaks TBS’s language.

Note 16: Nikki Haley and Ron DeSantis are fighting each other and yeah we totally forgot they were running. But if they destroy each other forever, that would be totally cool with us. More: NBC

Note 17: We got sooooo many great show recommendations yesterday. We’re gonna try to give you a good list in tomorrow’s edition. Thank you, SPs!

Note 18: This news was BREAKING as we were writing this morning but Jenna Ellis is taking a plea deal and pleading guilty. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Note 19: Y’all know we just love to end on a happy note so today we’re showing you an amazing FLOTUS standing with striking actors. Pretty darn cool to see. Also the studios need to stop being dicks so we can get the sequel to the latest Mission Impossible.

Note 20: And on that inspirational note, let’s go do some news! We hope your week is off to a great start. And if you’re not some nobody running to be Speaker of the House, then we have to believe it is. And you are definitely not a nobody. You’re a Sexy Patriot. And we love that about you.

Let’s get it on

Orange Assface is back in a courtroom today and he’ll be squaring off against an old friend. Trump’s former attorney Michael Cohen is expected to testify at Trump’s New York fraud trial today and apparently tangerine taint wanted to be there to try and intimidate Cohen or some shit. This is the first time the two men have been in the same room in about five years. We have to believe both of them wish it was longer. Enjoy, America!

More: HuffPost

Courage

The NBA season is back starting today and it’s kicking things off with a display of courage. Referee Che Flores came out as the first openly trans/non-binary referee in league history. Flores told GQ for an interview that came out Monday. This is Flores’s second season in the NBA, and we’re thrilled they get to ref this season as who they really are. However this will not stop us from cussing every time we think there’s been a bad call. That’s just how we roll.

More: NBC

This is still happening

We still ain’t got no Speaker of the House. And yes this is beyond fucking ridiculous. Kevin McCarthy said this morning he thinks they can find one by the end of the week. Gee how ambitious. The dumbshits are supposed to pick a nominee today but we’ll be shocked if they can figure out how to work a fucking doorknob just to get in the damn building. We predict that whoever they do end up picking is gonna be just awful. And that’s as safe a bet as you’ll find that doesn’t involve Ted Cruz and baseball.

More: NBC

Today’s clips

Israel escalated its bombardment of targets in the Gaza Strip, the military said Tuesday, ahead of an expected ground invasion against Hamas militants that the U.S. fears could spark a wider conflict in the region, including attacks on American troops. More: HuffPost

Republicans have lined up a deep bench of candidates in most major battleground states in the fight to flip the Senate in 2024. But one of the most closely divided states in the country has been a weak spot for GOP recruitment so far. More: NBC