10.23.23 Here comes the ketchup!

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like that weekend was way too goddamn short.

Pre-note: We’ve got 15 days to win some crucial elections this year. Are y’all all in? We know you are. So let’s bring this shit home and send a message to the media and to the world.

Note: Sexy Patriots, what the hell is a bedfellow? We hate to come at you strictly business today and skip the pleasantries but this has been driving us fucking insane. You know the expression — politics makes for strange bedfellows. Ok so what the hell does that mean?

Is it a sex thing? Because that actually makes a lot of sense to us. Politics does indeed make for weird people doing it. Is it about snuggling? Is it a big spoon/little spoon sitch because we could even make some sense out of that? Or is it just about how people you fucking hate become unlikely allies when other people you hate act even shittier than the first person you hate? Yeah, that feels like a bullseye…

Ugh. We do not care for this bedfellow bullshit. But goddamnit when he’s right he’s right. It just sucks to say it because turtlenuts there engineered the stripping of basic human rights from millions and millions of American women. And that ain’t the kind of shit we’re gonna get over for like one goddamn second. So yeah fuck him forever and ever.

But now we know why Dark Brandon always tries to be cool with some of these assheads. Because when they’re not orange assheads they can sometimes make for an adequate bedfellow. So thanks to Dark Brandon for being better about this shit than we are. It sure seems to make it easier for him to do some good presidenting. And maybe that’s the kind of thing America and the world desperately fucking need these days. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Yeah we know we could have googled that expression but where’s the fun in that? And seriously fuck turtlenuts. Except for this one time. Goddamnit.

Note three: Turtlenuts did address his health issues and says he’s completely recovered. And when has turtlenuts ever lied to us? Oh right. More: HuffPost

Note four: We’re obviously gonna talk about the Speaker shitshow in the news section, but let us all take a moment to point and laugh at the public and private humiliations of Gym Jordan. It honestly couldn’t happen to a nicer molester protector. More: ABC

Note five: We keep forgetting Tim Scott is running for president. We don’t keep forgetting that he’s a craven asshole.

Note six: We’ve got some show recommendations for y’all. Seems like it’s been a while since we did this. One SP says we must check out Beckham on Netflix so we will. And we are freaking loving Our Flag Means Death on Max. Send us your suggestions!

Note seven: This weekend the Washington Post wrote a long story about Gym Jordan and how he totally knew about those wrestlers got molested and they still tried to make him sound like some sort of hero tough guy and what the fuck is going on at the Washington Post?! NO LINK

Note eight: And the New York Times today says oops sorry we might’ve gotten that whole thing about a bombed hospital wrong. C’mon y’all. It ain’t like this shit could cause more war, death and destruction. More: The Wrap

Note nine: This weekend didn’t get any less scary or horrifying in the Middle East. All we can think to say is that we continue to be grateful we have a calm non-lunatic non-shit-for-brains president leading us right now.

Note 10: Oh and Republicans like George Santos are attacking Biden for going for a walk on the beach with his wife this weekend. Here’s what the president was actually doing for most of Sunday…

Note 11: Trump keeps calling New York AG Letitia James “Peekaboo” and the press just really doesn’t seem to give a shit. It should never stop being shocking just how racist that fucker really is. More: RawStory

Note 12: So someone named Perry Johnson announced he is suspending his campaign for the Republican nomination for president. We looked it up. It turns out he is in fact an actual person. More: CNN

Note 13: We have not talked nearly enough about the state Supreme Court race in Pennsylvania. But shit doesn't get any more serious than this. We have got to win this one, y’all. Or else next year is gonna be even scarier than The Strangers. Y’all ever see that? Fucking terrifying. More: Bolts Mag

Note 14: We’re gonna take a break from telling y’all to go get COVID shots to nag you about something else — Do you have a plan to vote in this year’s elections? What about your like-minded friends and family? Oh hell yeah! That’s what we like to hear!

Note 15: We gotta win Kentucky, y’all. Andy Beshear has just been too good of a governor and Daniel Cameron is corrupt as all hell. Bring it home, Bluegrass State!

Note 16: LOLOL!!! We fucking love stories about Elon Musk almost being in tears. It’s almost like taking video of shooting guns doesn’t actually make a spoiled rotten dingus tough at all. More: Yahoo Finance

Note 17: Oh and by the by Kenneth Chesebro pleaded guilty to felony and flipped in Georgia on Friday. So that should be fun for a certain orange traitor and his rapidly dwindling ketchup supply. More: NPR

Note 18: Liz Cheney says she’s not ruling out a run for president. Um look, Liz. Like we really appreciate your help trying to save democracy and all but let’s not get carried away here, ok? More: The Hill

Note 19: Y’all know we like to end on a happy note but today we want to end on an important one. Breast cancer is the goddamn devil. Please stay up to date on all your exams and stay vigilant.

Note 20: And on that surprisingly serious note, let’s go do some news! And yeah we know it sucks it’s Monday, but it could be worse — you could be one of the fucking idiots running for Speaker of the House. Actually no you couldn’t. You’re way too smart. Love y’all!

This is still going

Yeah, we still ain’t got no Speaker of the House and we’re not real sure if that’s ever gonna change as long as Republicans are in charge. Since we last saw y’all, Gym Jordan dropped out after being rejected by his own party repeatedly and now nine people have jumped in the race. And we’re pretty sure four of them are made up. Seven of the nine voted against certifying the election results so we’re still very much on coup watch. The only thing worse than not having a Speaker is gonna be having the Speaker these scumbags eventually pick.

More: HuffPost

Lock him up

Big news this weekend that for some reason isn’t being treated like big news. Apparently there are recordings of an Australian billionaire talking about all the shit Trump told him at Mar-a-Lago that presidents definitely aren’t supposed to be telling Australian billionaires. Shit like hey I just bombed Iraq and oh yeah I make phone calls that are way worse than the one that got me impeached. This shit is insane and beyond the pale and for some reason it is treated like a boring story. Can we somehow trick the press into thinking Hillary did all this shit?

More: Axios

Here comes the ketchup!

Trump is feeling the heat! How do we know? Well he’s trying to convince us that Sidney “the Kraken” Powell was never a part of his legal team. LOL!!! Ok orangey. Nice try. Look we would deny she was representing us too but like from the very beginning. It’s really quite a strategy to just straight up lie about some really obvious shit but it’s also hilarious to see that even Trump knows how totally fucked he is now that Sid has flipped. This is starting to get kinda fun.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

A Detroit synagogue president who was fatally stabbed at her home was remembered Sunday by family, friends and top Michigan officials as a generous, thoughtful leader who built bridges between communities. As mourners gathered to pay respects to Samantha Woll, police said their ongoing investigation of her killing found no evidence of antisemitism as a motive. More: CNN

The United Auto Workers union sent 6,800 Stellantis employees to the picket line Monday morning in a surprise, targeted strike at the company’s Ram truck facility. More: CNN