10.2.23 You’re welcome, America!

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It would also make a better Speaker of the House than Kevin McCarthy’s suck ass.

Note: Sexy Patriots!!! It’s so great to see you! Especially after such an eventful weekend with so much to talk about. We’re obviously gonna talk a lot about what a weak pathetic fucking loser Kevin McCarthy is and how his House Republicans tried to make America eat shit and ended up eating it themselves. But first we need to do something really important. We need to wish a belated happy 99th birthday to former President Jimmy Carter…

WOOHOO!!!! From our understanding, Carter got absolutely lit AF this weekend to celebrate. Yeah, apparently it was a real scene. Lampshade on the head, brand new Corvette at the bottom of a pool, nipple clamps and glo-sticks everywhere, a party horse going berserk after eating some LSD and the former president standing on the roof and proclaiming himself a golden god while peeing all over the buffet from 25 feet away. What can we say? Dude knows how to party.

We’re kidding of course. But we did want to take a second to wish the man a happy freaking birthday. The older both he and America get, the more we appreciate his character, his heart and his term as president. And the man is looking pretty fucking hot at 99. So happy birthday, Mr. President, thank you for being you. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Aren’t we glad Biden and Harris are in office right now? Can you imagine what that birthday sign would look like if Trump were in office? Especially now that orangey thinks it’s ok to say the word “motherfucker.” Who does he think he is? TBS? More: Mediaite

Note three: HUGE NEWS TODAY! California is getting a new Senator, and she is a star. Gavin Newsome is appointing EMILY’s List President Laphonza Butler to replace the late Dianne Feinstein in the Senate. We love this pick, and we’re damn glad to see Newsom stick to his word. More: Politico

Note four: So it’s no secret that Republicans love Putin and hate Ukraine, but holy shit that whole shut down silliness seems to have really come down to their love of Putin. Doesn’t this seem like a really big story? Like emails or age big? More: CNN

Note five: Are we shocked the federal government isn’t shut down today? Yes. Yes we are.

Note six: Thank god people like Molly are pointing this shit out because the rest of the media seems to have given up.

Note seven: Btw, that disgusting orange fuck made fun of the Pelosis again this weekend. We are so goddamn ready to beat this piece of shit again. More: Daily Beast

Note eight: The Supreme Court is back for another term. Everybody hold onto their rights. More: HuffPost

Note nine: We’re just not doing the Rep. Bowman pile-on. Looks like an innocent mistake to us and he didn’t beat up any cops with the American flag. More: NBC

Note 10: We’ll talk more about this in the news section but we have to say Dark Brandon went super Dark Brandon yesterday after signing the CR to keep the government open. You love to see it.

Note 11: Dean Phillips is leaving Democratic leadership after doing his little media tour trashing Biden. Good. You won’t be missed, Dean. More: CNN

Note 12: Did y’all see this thing with Trump and Nikki Haley and the birdcage? Yeah, it’s just as unsettling as that vague set-up suggests. More: The Hill

Note 13: Y’all, we need to apologize. We’ve gotten just a tad behind on emails. We promise to get caught up this week. In the meantime, please keep sending them.

Note 14: If you want to see an actual good interview with Joe Biden, check this out from ProPublica and John Harwood. It’s really ridiculous John isn’t on tv doing this more. God CNN sucks. More: ProPublica

Note 15: We’re gonna talk about this more, but we want to make sure y’all see the job the new Democratic leader in the House is doing…

Note 16: RIP to the Boston Red Sox’s Tim Wakefield. Damn that’s a bummer. Helped end the Sox World Series curse and wasn’t a piece of shit about it like Curt Schilling. More: ESPN

Note 17: David McCormick, the hedge fund guy, is now officially running against Bobby Casey for the Senate in Pennsylvania. Wonder if he’ll rent the same house in the state that Oz did. Y’all ready to beat this poser and send Bobby back to the Senate? More: Post-Gazette

Note 18: Speaker Emeritus Nancy Pelosi accompanied Sen. Feinstein’s body back to California. We damn near cried when we read that. It just got us in the feels for some reason. More: CNN

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note, but today we’re just gonna beg you to go get the new COVID shot. It tastes fucking awesome. And everyone we know has COVID and we don’t want that to be you. So pretty please with some mRNA on top :) More: CNN

Note 20: And on that nagging note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all had the best weekend and are ready to kick some ass this week. And if you were at President Carter’s birthday bash, please send pics. We’ve heard shit got crazy. Love y’all!

LOLOL!!!

No matter what happens today, you’re having a better day than Donald Trump. The tangerine fuckhead arrived at a New York courthouse today to go on trial for committing fraud. NY AG Letitita James, who Trump routinely attacks as racist, is about to take this shithead even further down as she sues him for $250 million. Trump really didn’t seem too happy about any of this in his Truth Social posts. And that just makes us laugh so hard.

More: CNN

Fight! Fight! Fight!

So now that the government isn’t shutting down (for a little while), Republicans are having to find new ways to make stupid headlines. So Matt Gaetz and Kevin McCarthy are going to fight. LOL. Yeah, Gaetz says he’s going to bring a Motion to Vacate the speaker’s office this week, and if he can find the votes, then that will be the end of McCarthy. But McCarthy’s friends are sick of Gaetz’s bullshit and so now they’re saying they want to expel him if the ethics investigation reveals anything showing guilt. What we’d like to know is is there any way for both of these fucking losers to be out of Congress by the end of this week?

More: CNN, HuffPost

You’re welcome, America!

Well we told y’all the government was gonna shutdown. And if we’d left it up to Republicans, then it would have. But fortunately, Democrats stepped in to save the day and a 45-day funding bill passed this weekend that didn’t have any of the cuts to domestic programs that Republicans were foaming at the mouth for. This is great news and great work by Democrats. Now let’s sit back and watch Republicans tear themselves to pieces over this great big L.

More: AP

Today’s clips

Taylor Swift was clearly ready for some more football on Sunday, as were Deadpool, Wolverine and Ant-Man. More: CNN

Federal prosecutors have told a federal judge that if Donald Trump had bought a gun earlier this week during a campaign stop, he would be violating his release conditions as a criminal defendant and breaking the law, according to a Friday court filing. More: CNN