10.20.23 From the Oval

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It gave up smoking though so we’re all trying to be understanding.

Pre-note: WE NEED Y’ALL TO WIN THIS NOVEMBER! PENNSYLVANIA, OHIO, KENTUCKY, VIRGINIA, MISSISSIPPI, Y’ALL SHOW UP AND SHOW OUT AND LET’S SEND A MESSAGE TO THE WORLD!

Note: Sexy Patriots! We did it! We made it to the weekend. And we still ain’t got no Speaker of the House. Can you imagine how much Democrats would be ripped to shreds if we were this fucking incompetent? This is a global fucking embarrassment. And also not surprising at all to the rest of us.

Because it ain’t exactly news to us that we’re dealing with some cruel, dumbass dipshits. We’ve known for a long time! But what’s given us hope this week — and it is a sliver — is that now Republicans are finally seeing how awful Republicans are too. It’s a goddamn Halloween miracle. Yeah, they’re finally discovering what raging irredeemable nutsacks of demon shit they really are. They’re finally doing to each other what they’ve been doing to this country for years.

Gosh that sounds awful. Maybe they should call Shaye Moss and Ruby Freeman to ask how they’ve been handling the same evil fucking crap for years now. So our message to the GOP today is this — Welcome to Trumpland, you freaks and assholes. Y’all helped build it and so we don’t mind watching it come crashing down on every last one of you. It’s good for us to see you hate each other as much as we hate you. Maybe now they’ll finally see what we see. Maybe now the healing can finally begin.

Yeah, that last part is probably a little too optimistic. So let’s just have fun watching these dirty motherfuckers squirm and tear each other to pieces. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: In this week’s This Week’s Big Stuff podcast, we connect the dots and present a full picture of a dumb, dangerous and hilarious Republican Party and how they might actually be good for you mental health. Join us and help support Today’s Big Stuff.

Note three: We were so busy laughing so hard at Sidney Powell flipping yesterday — actually we’re still laughing about that shit — that we didn’t see this about a Michigan fake elector flipping until later. Seems bad for the bad guys. Delicious. More: CNN

Note four: Why are Republicans so mad Joe Biden and Democrats funded the IRS? Because the IRS has started going after millionaire tax cheats. And millionaire tax cheats are the Republican base. Well them and nazi assholes. More: CNN

Note five: We can’t believe we’re linking to a Kevin McCarthy bootlick but this was just too funny not to share. Go Hakeem!

Note six: North Carolina Republicans are trying to draw maps so crooked that they would eliminate three to four Democratic seats. Seems like something they will definitely get sued over. More: Cook Political (Paywall)

Note seven: In Georgia today, 450 would-be jurors are at the courthouse waiting to find out if they’ll be the ones deciding the fate of Kenneth Chesebro. We can’t believe we’re saying this but maybe he should have been more like Sidney Powell. Have fun, Kenny! More: AP

Note eight: Elon Musk’s cybertrucks are coming out next month. You’ll recognize them immediately because they are the ugliest fucking cars anyone with a very small penis has ever made. More: Motor Trend

Note nine: Sen. Laphonza Butler has been a US Senator for like 15 minutes and that seems to be enough. We’re kidding, but the Senator did say yesterday that she will not run for a full term. With the race for that seat in full swing, it would be difficult for her to catch up. Still, we’re grateful to her for filling that seat at an important time. More: AP

Note 10: This sonofabitch. This was THIS fucking morning.

Note 11: In a HUGE win for American workers, Fed Chairman and Trump appointee Jerome Powell suggested the Fed will finally stop raising interest rates. This dude still sucks though so we’re sure he’ll find other ways to fuck with a booming economy. More: CNN

Note 12: Dean Phillips is a nobody congressman from Minnesota. He apparently thinks he can be president by attacking Joe Biden. How in the world does someone’s ego get this out of control? Oh well. Bye, Dean. More: The Messenger

Note 13: We cannot stress enough that Virginia Republicans are coming for abortion rights if they win in two-and-a-half weeks. Let’s make sure that doesn't happen, cool? More: The Messenger

Note 14: C’mon, Mississippi, you can do so much better than the corrupt crap-eater you’ve got for a governor right now. And dude is related to Elvis!!! More: HuffPost

Note 15: Yo, Kentucky, let’s do this and send Andy Beshear back to the governor’s mansion.

Note 16: There are a lot of stories right now about the juicy stuff in Mitt Romney’s book and we’re so sorry but we just don’t give a shit. He could’ve told us all of this stuff while it was happening and when it would have mattered. So if you’ll excuse us we’re going back to Jada Pinkett Smith’s book. Yowzer! NO LINKS

Note 17: We are so fucking disappointed in the scholastic book fair. We’re glad to see others are too. Shame on them. If we could go back 40 years and demand a refund for our Choose Your Own Adventure books, we so would. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Trump got yelled at by a judge today for violating the judge’s orders. So when does he go to jail? More: The Messenger

Note 19: We normally like to end on a positive note but we’re not sure this qualifies. The story itself is too sad and tragic to be positive. But watching our president be compassionate and sympathetic is something we never stop appreciating…

Note 20: And on that difficult note, let’s go do some news! We hate to ask this but do y’all have any interest in being Speaker of the House? No? Well we don’t blame you. We’ll keep looking. Hope y’all have an awesome freaking weekend and we’ll see you back here next week. Love y’all!

Gym Jordanotgonnahappen

Gym Jordan just does not like election results. Like he really fucking hates them. So he’s gonna keep running and keep running and keep running despite the fact that his fellow Republicans hate him and blame him for the death threats they and their families are receiving. Gym gave a bizarre press conference this morning (to be fair, he doesn’t know how to give any other kind) and said he’s determined to keep having votes until he’s elected Speaker. As people who want Americans to see how dumb, destructive and selfish House Republicans really are, we applaud this move.

More: The Messenger

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO VICE PRESIDENT KAMALA HARRIS!!! We wanted to make this its own section in the news because we are super big fans of our Vice President. She has been crushing it despite being endlessly treated like crap by a mainstream news media that just can’t figure out what it is about her they don’t like. Well we see her and what she’s accomplished and we are grateful she is on the ticket. We hope she has a very very happy birthday and many happy returns.

From the Oval

Oval Office addresses are about the rarest presidential speeches they are. White House aides always know that they have to use them sparingly so they will maintain their power. So it was wise to use one last night for the president of the United States to lay out the foreign policy challenges facing the world and the country and why the US must lead at this critical time. Biden is asking for $100 billion for Ukraine and Israel and he made a strong case for why. The president has really been on a roll as a leader these last few weeks and we sure hope like hell the American people are paying attention. Hell even Fox’s Brit Hume was praising Biden last night. And that dude is a total asshole!

More: CNN, HuffPost

Today’s clips

A former Florida state lawmaker who acquired more than $150,000 in Small Business Administration loans by lying on applications was sentenced Thursday to four months in federal prison, the US Attorney’s office for the Northern District of Florida said. More: CNN

Ivanka Trump is asking a Manhattan judge to quash a subpoena seeking to compel her testimony in her father's civil fraud trial, noting that she is no longer a defendant in the case — or a New York City resident. More: The Messenger