10.19.23 Gym Jordan’t

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it was threatened by Gym Jordan.

Pre-note: DO YOU LIVE IN PENNSYLVANIA? HAVE YOU VOTED FOR STATE SUPREME COURT? ARE YOU GOING TO? THERE ARE SO MANY IMPORTANT ELECTIONS IN YOUR STATE THIS YEAR. PLEASE TELL US YOU’RE GONNA KEEP BEING AWESOME!

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! It’s so freaking great to be with you. And yes, we had missed Pennsylvania on our 2023 radar screen and that pre-note was definitely some overcompensation after an SP pointed out how we fucked up and kept forgetting about the Keystone State. We’re actually pretty embarrassed about it. Politics is the area we know and we shouldn’t miss shit like that. Especially when we are so far out of our depth when it comes to talking about the Middle East.

Yeah, it’s probably obvious at this point that your favorite cussing newsletter is not an expert on what’s been happening in Israel and Gaza. It’s all so tragic and ugly and we are not smart enough to talk or cuss about it intelligently. We’re a mess over it because so many people we love are hurting. So obviously we don’t want to be crass or make jokes about what’s happening. We also don’t want to make it too much about our domestic politics here at home. Because we’re not heartless dicks. But we don’t think it’s going too far over a line to say a few words about Joe Biden and his leadership in this moment…

We don’t know about y’all, but we see is a US president at work. A US president offering firm but humble leadership at a fraught and violent time. A man trying. A man trying to find stability, justice and peace when none of the three may be possible. Calm, thoughtful, resolute, engaged. Isn’t this the shit we’re supposed to want in a fucking president? Like what kind of Grade A dumbshit says what we really need right now is a rapist gameshow host moron tweeting out his newest nicknames for world leaders? Truth is this shit right here is for adults. And when everything is scary as hell and threatening to get worse, it’s nice to have an adult leading the way. So thanks, Joe. And fuck Fox News. Y’all have a blessed day. More: AP

Note two: In addition to offering sympathy and support, Biden also secured an assurance that some Egyptian humanitarian aid will be able to reach Gaza. Does anyone really think Orangey could do this shit? More: AP

Note three: We want to abruptly shift gears and applaud Coach Becky Hammon, A’ja Wilson and the Las Vegas Aces on winning their second WNBA championship and wrapping up what might have been the most dominant season in league history. Congrats! We’ll see y’all back at the White House. More: ESPN

Note four: We’re gonna talk about it more in the news section but it is fucking hilarious watching House Republicans come to despise Gym Jordan the way we despise Gym Jordan. More: NBC

Note five: Btw, while Biden was coming back from Israel, he ducked into a phone booth on Air Force One, turned into Dark Brandon and roasted the ever-living shit out of Gym…

Note six: Trump tried to get the lawsuit from Brian Sicknick’s family tossed. A judge said no. We’re happy to support the guy who didn’t get this cop killed. More: The Hill

Note seven: Y’all wanna see something really really really fucked up? Harlan Crow, the corrupt billionaire who has been bribing Clarence Thomas for years, has now maxed out to Cornel West. Like we said, really really really fucked up. More: NBC

Note eight: Remember how the Washington Post kept telling us Glen Youngkin was a moderate? Well he’s been paying a Jan. 6er. Moderate our hot asses. More: VPM

Note nine: Again, we’ll talk more about this in the news section but you probably don’t want stories like this one coming out when you’re trying to become Speaker of the House. Actually, you probably don’t want stories like this coming out about you ever. Unless you’re a psycho piece of shit. More: ABC

Note 10: Seriously who the fuck are the 16 percent of indies who think things are going just swell in Congress right now?

Note 11: Netflix is raising prices again? If they hadn’t just dropped those Wes Anderson short films we’d be so out of there. Also we really like to watch Community. More: CNN

Note 12: LOLOL!!! Trump got told to be quiet by a judge again. It’s not another gag order but it’s still pretty goddamn funny. More: PBS

Note 13: There were people arrested for peacefully protesting in the Capitol yesterday. Republicans are calling them insurrectionists. They didn’t beat anyone with the flag or smear their crap on the Capitol walls. So don’t expect Republicans to kiss their asses. More: ABC

Note 14: What in THE hell is happening in Tennessee? Politicians just openly hanging out with neo-Nazis? Actually yeah that sounds about right. More: News Channel 5

Note 15: Oopsie…

Note 16: We should’ve added this when we mentioned Trump getting shushed in court but shit got weird there yesterday. In fact, shit gets weird everywhere he goes. And not good weird either. More: HuffPost

Note 17: What are y’all going as for Halloween? Any clever costume ideas out there in the Sexy Patriot Universe?

Note 18: RIP to Burt Young. You might remember him as Paulie from Rocky. But truth be told, we loved him more as Lou in Back to School. What a classic. More: HuffPost

Note 19: Y’all know we like to end on a happy note but we’re hoping you’ll accept a hilarious one instead. Kudos to Team Biden on some top notch trolling…

Note 20: And on that awesome freaking note, let’s go do some news! We were just about to wish y’all a happy weekend so that’s how long this fucking week has lasted. Oh well. We’ll get it together by tomorrow. Love y’all!

Gym Jordan’t

Ol’ Gym is toast. After days of projecting confidence and threatening his fellow members and having Sean Hannity threaten his fellow members, Jordan appears to be shit out of a luck when it comes to his Speaker bid. Thank god. There really does not appear to be an easy solution for a party that is great at kissing orange ass but really bad at governing. They’re talking now about Democrats helping make Patrick McHenry a temporary Speaker. We say fuck that. He was the dude who threw Nancy Pelosi out of her Capitol office while she was at Dianne Feinstein’s memorial service. So yeah, fuck that.

More: CNN

Kraked out

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! While we were writing this morning the most amazing thing happened. Sidney “the Kraken” Powell has pleaded guilty in Georgia and she is now cooperating with prosecutors and holy shit Trump must be freaking the fuck out this morning. Powell is pleading guilty to six counts of conspiracy to interfere with an election. In addition to selling out Trump, she has to pay a fine and write a letter of apology to Georgia voters. Why are we so obsessed with what that letter would say? Anyway, fuck the Kraken lolol.

More: CNN

Primetime Joe

Fresh off his trip to a second war zone in just a few months, Joe Biden is going to talk to the nation. Biden will deliver a primetime Oval Office address tonight at 8 p.m. ET to talk about the need for funding for the Middle East and for Ukraine. There is a lot riding on this speech so we’re hoping Dark Brandon got plenty of sleep on the flight back. This is also what American presidents are supposed to do so you can bet your sweet asses we’ll be tuned in. Good luck, Brandon!

More: CNN

Today’s clips

A right-wing social media influencer was sentenced to seven months in federal prison on Wednesday for spreading falsehoods via Twitter, now known as X, in an effort to suppress Democratic turnout in the 2016 presidential election. More: HuffPost

A State Department official has resigned from the agency over the Biden administration’s approach to the ongoing conflict between Israel and Hamas, the official announced on LinkedIn Wednesday. More: CNN