10.18.23 Clown car pile-up
It’s Wednesday. There are 385 days until the presidential election and there are 20 days until the 2023 elections. We still ain’t got no speaker, laughing our asses off at RFK fans and Biden lands in Israel.
Be advised: This newsletter cusses. But we did get it to stop biting people.
Pre-note: WE ARE LESS THAN THREE WEEKS FROM ELECTION DAY!!! OHIO, VIRGINIA, KENTUCKY AND MISSISSIPPI, ARE Y’ALL WITH US AND READY TO ROCK?! SEXY PATRIOTS, ARE YOU ENGAGED AND HELPING OUT HOWEVER YOU CAN?! AWESOME! LET’S LEAVE IT ALL OUT THERE AND WIN SOME SHIT THIS NOVEMBER!!!
Note: Sexy Patriots! How the heck are y’all today? Sexy as all hell and twice as patriotic? We knew it. We are also feeling sexy and patriotic and a little amused and a lot annoyed. What has us in this state? Well, the suggestion that it is or was somehow our party’s responsibility to save Republicans from themselves…
Kevin McCarthy claims Democrats "created this mess," prompting even a Fox News reporter to push back
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar)
Oct 17, 2023
LOLOL!!! Oh fuck off, dude. Seriously? This is on us?! Ok fine. We’ll play along. We sure hope Kevin and the rest of the shiteaters will accept our apology. We’re so sorry. We’re so sorry we made y’all toss your self-respect in a dumpster and devote your lives to kissing orange ass. We’re so sorry we made y’all dumber than dogshit and twice as offensive to the nose. We’re so sorry we made y’all so fucking incompetent that you can’t even elect a Speaker of the House. We’re so sorry we made y’all cover up an attack on the United States Capitol. And we’re so sorry we locked y’all in a right-wing media bubble with the meanest stupidest sonsofbitches to ever be shat out on god’s green earth. Yeah, we’re really fucking sorry.
Actually now that we think about it a little more we’re not sorry about any of that crap because they did it willingly and with big shit-eating smiles on their faces. Maybe the party of personal responsibility should start taking some personal fucking responsibility. Or is that just for other people? What a bunch of losers. Losers who can kiss our asses. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: Since we already bugged you about the rapidly approaching Election Day, we’re gonna use this note to bug you about getting your new COVID shot. Also get one for the flu and maybe RSV. And a little new car smell never hurt anyone.
Note three: Congratulations to Sen. Laphonza Butler who has replaced the late Sen. Dianne Feinstein on Senate Judiciary. And congrats to Republicans for not being total dicks about this. More: The Hill
Note four: Rep. Debbie Lesko announced yesterday she is retiring from Congress. If you know anything about Debbie Lesko, you know what great news this is for America. More: Politico
Note five: It’s been a hot minute since we did a Nancy Pelosi appreciation post. Our bad. Because shit like this should be appreciated…
According to Pelosi the Republicans are taking a lesson in math and learning how to count
— Brian J. Karem (@BrianKarem)
Oct 17, 2023
Note six: Y’all know how much we hate Joe Manchin. Well it turns out sportswriters think he sucks too. And they’re right. More: USA Today
Note seven: Dude who ran for governor in Michigan was sentenced to two months in prison yesterday for his role in the Jan. 6 attack on America. He’s a Republican. But you probably already knew that. More: Michigan Advance
Note eight: Remember how Ron DeSantis had some Black people arrested for voting after the state told them they could vote? God just typing that out pisses us off so much. Where the fuck was the national outrage?! Anyway, charges were just dismissed against a 69-year-old woman who was arrested at 3 a.m. And Ron DeSantis can eat shit. More: WDAM
Note nine: Biden is going to ask Congress for $100 billion for Ukraine and Israel. We’re on board but honestly numbers that big are just beyond our comprehension. More: Politico
Note 10: It’s hard to describe how much we are enjoying John Fetterman’s time in the US Senate. We’re guessing Bob Menendez feels differently.
Fetterman walks up to me and says:
“Hey, I have a question for a friend. If someone has been accused of being a foreign agent for Egypt, should they be allowed to attend a classified briefing on Israel tomorrow?”
— Igor Bobic (@igorbobic)
Oct 17, 2023
Note 11: Chesebro and the Kraken wanted their Fulton County charges dismissed. Yesterday a judge said no. More: The Hill
Note 12: GREAT NEWS courtesy of Dark Brandon and Democrats — the IRS is launching a free online tax filing service so you don’t have to spend more money at Turbo Tax. It’s starting out as a pilot project in 13 states. Damn socialist communists just keep making life easier for Americans. The bastards. More: CNN
Note 13: We’re glad to see the White House calling out Trump’s disgusting responses to the attacks on Israel and the demonization of Muslims. This shit needs to be called out and you know the press ain’t gonna do it. More: NBC
Note 14: With everything going on there were actually reporters complaining yesterday about Joe Biden not doing enough sit-down interviews. Seriously?! Way to stay focused on the important shit, guys. NO GODDAMN LINK
Note 15: C’mon, Virginia! We need y’all to come through!
📺 NEW AD – With three weeks until election day, the MAGA Republican agenda is clear: to pass an abortion ban, roll back gun safety laws, take away voting rights, and increase costs for the middle class, taking away Virginians’ rights and freedoms.
— Virginia Democrats (@vademocrats)
Oct 17, 2023
Note 16: Trump says he’s going to appeal that limited gag order from Judge Chutkan. Which is funny because the idea of that sick fuck being gagged is the most appealing thing about him. More: HuffPost
Note 17: It’s been forever since we talked about how dumb and craven Elise Stefanik is. But yesterday on the House floor she praised Gym Jordan’s wrestling coaching days while nominating him to be Speaker and our team had the most appropriate reaction. More: HuffPost
Note 18: You do have to wonder if by the end of the day this newsletter will be Speaker of the House. Or perhaps a sandwich of some kind.
Note 19: Y’all know we like to end on a good note, so today we’re thrilled to share polling that suggests Ohioans want women to have control over their own bodies. Now we just need them to vote like it. More: BW
Note 20: And on that encouraging note, let’s go do some news! And remember, if you see a Republican House member, be sure to apologize for making them so awful. Or just tell them to fuck off. Yeah do the second one. Love y’all.
Clown car pile-up
Sorry, America, but we still ain’t got no Speaker of the House. Ok we’re not that sorry. Because no Speaker is way fucking better than Speaker Gym Jordan. And he lost badly yesterday. Like really badly. It was pretty fun to watch after spending 12 hours freaking the hell out that the molester protector was gonna be third in line for the presidency. And we suppose he still could be. Or maybe George Santos will be. Or maybe someone will draw a face on their hand and that will be the new Speaker. Or maybe these dumbshits should get their heads out of their asses and vote for Hakeem Jeffries.
Run, Bobby, run
So y’all know how we spent some time being pissed off and a little freaked out about RFK running for president? And you remember how Steve Bannon and those treasonous taintlicks were pushing him to run to hurt Joe Biden? Well now that RFK Jr. is running as an independent, this whole thing is looking a whole lot more hilarious. Check out this poll and then join us in laughing our asses off…
🇺🇲 2024 GE: NPR/Marist College (A)
(D) Biden 49% (+3)
(R) Trump 46%
(D) Biden 44% (+7)
(R) Trump 37%
(I) Kennedy Jr 16%
D38/R31/I30 | 1,218 RV | 10/11 | ±3.9%
— InteractivePolls (@IAPolls2022)
Oct 17, 2023
Donald Trump is in court again today. Joe Biden is in Israel. Biden landed while we were sleeping and has met with Netanyahu and survivors of the Hamas attacks. Biden had also planned to meet with Muslim leaders in Jordan but that was canceled after news organizations and politicians everywhere were outraged by an Israeli attack on a hospital that does not appear to have actually happened. The fog of war happening right now makes for like zero visibility. If you see it on twitter, it probably ain’t real. Thank you to President Biden for showing that America is once again ready to lead the world. Even if it’s just to show some genuine sympathy.
Elon Musk’s social media platform X has begun charging a $1 fee to new users in the Philippines and New Zealand, in a test designed to cut down on the spam and fake accounts flourishing on the site formerly known as Twitter. More: HuffPost
Rep. Don Bacon (R-Neb.) says his wife received multiple anonymous text messages that warned what would happen to his political career if he didn’t back Rep. Jim Jordan’s (R-Ohio) run for the House speaker role. More: HuffPost