10.17.23 Shut it

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like Republicans are about to make Gym fucking Jordan Speaker of the House.

Note: We’re gonna do something weird today, Sexy Patriots. And yeah, we know that’s really saying something because we do weird shit every day here at this newsletter. But this one might shock you so hold on to your hot buttocks. We’re writing a thank you note to the House Republican Caucus. No, we have not sniffed any glue today. Well no more than usual. So here goes…

Dear treasonous shitheads,

Thank you. For years we have been telling our friends and family what deranged power-hungry ass-kissing unprincipled crap-eating dumbfucks you are. We’ve spoken of your lack of souls and morals until we lost our voices. We’ve argued that you sick fuckers would suck a fart out of the devil’s sphincter if you thought it would buy you another 30 seconds on Fox News. So today we want to thank you for confirming all of that and making us look like the truth-telling genius hotties that we are.

If you elect Gym Jordan to be Speaker of the House, you are making clear to the world that we were right about you human garbage from the beginning. We knew you didn’t care about anyone getting molested or sexually assaulted. We knew you liked the Capitol being attacked and cops being hurt. And we know you don’t give two shits about passing any legislation to help the people you’re supposed to work for. We knew you hated America and Americans. We just didn’t realize you hated them this much. But now everyone will know it and we don’t have to keep screaming it because now it is super fucking obvious to even the dumbest dumbshit. Well, except for you dumbshits.

So yeah thanks for making us look honest and smart and reminding everyone that you are neither. Fuck you for doing this to the people’s house, fuck you for doing this to our country and fuck you for doing this to the world. And thank you for showing everyone just how awful you really are.

Sincerely,

TBS

P.S. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We do have some good news. Trump says he’s willing to go to jail to save democracy. We accept. Just sucks that he lies about everything including this. Oh well, let’s lock his orange ass up anyway.

Note three: Trump is back in court today for his federal fraud trial. And it’s sentences like that that make us think this piece of shit probably shouldn’t be president again. More: CNBC

Note four: How are we looking for November? Are y’all engaged and fighting the good fight in Ohio, Virginia, Mississippi and Kentucky? We’re just kidding. We know you are. And we love it. More: Jezebel

Note five: Speaking of Virginia, the not moderate Glen Youngkin sent National Guard troops to the border to find fentanyl. They didn’t find any. More: NBC Washington

Note six: If Republicans vote for Jordan, will the press finally stop calling them moderates? Don’t answer that. We already know.

Note seven: It seems pretty fucked up to us that Sean Hannity is trying to decide who the next Speaker of the House is. But it also seemed pretty fucked up to us that Hannity helped Trump get away with colluding with Russia and a bunch of other dirty corrupt shit. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Violent crime is down but hate crimes are up. Yeah, that sounds like America these days. More: NBC

Note nine: It is weird how our country is like oh man everything sucks the economy is awful and crime is everywhere and the reality is things are actually pretty damn good. Probably has nothing to do with our broken media.

Note 10: Amy Coney Barrett said some ethics rules are good for SCOTUS. But she also said they already hold themselves to high ethical standards so she’s a fuckin’ liar. More: HuffPost

Note 11: We’re really glad he clarified this. It would really suck if Trump was god. Or if we were dumb and sad enough to think he was.

Note 12: The human scum who stabbed that little boy in Illinois listened to lots of right-wing radio. Is it too much to ask for them to be ashamed? Yeah, we know it is. More: NBC

Note 13: After initially responding to the attack by trashing Israel, Trump has now reverted to form and started wildly attacking Muslims and promising new travel bans and deportations. Maybe he’s hoping to get more kids stabbed. More: Reuters

Note 14: It absolutely breaks our hearts to see what right-wing crapheads have done to the Scholastic book fair. Those fairs were huge for us when we were kids. They opened up the whole world to us. And now because of a few bigots, a lot of kids won’t get to experience that. Shame on Scholastic for folding. More: CBS

Note 15: The good news is our Senate candidates are crushing it on the fundraising trail. The bad news is our map still really sucks. More: NBC

Note 16: Well this is just wonderful. We swear the Biden campaign has a little TBS in them.

Note 17: It looks like Turning Point USA has now evolved to committing hate crimes. Ok that’s not true. They were always into hate crimes. God this is awful. More: NBC

Note 18: Congratulations to White House correspondent April Ryan on her wedding. April is one of the only people in that press corps who knows why she’s supposed to be there and we are endlessly grateful. More: People

Note 19: We like to end on a good note. We just never thought it would come from this SCOTUS. Yesterday they decided not to fuck with Dark Brandon’s rule regulating ghost guns. We’re shocked and grateful. More: NPR

Note 20: And on that surprising note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are keeping your heads up amid all this fucked up news. Just remember — you lived through President Trump. You can make it through anything. Love y’all!

Shut it

Judge Tanya Chutkan yesterday issued a limited gag order instructing Trump to shut the fuck up about court employees and the special counsel. And it took like less than an hour to attack her for it. Yeah the judge seemed to hit the right balance in protecting dipshit’s first amendment rights and the rights of everyone else to not be subjected to his cousin-fucking mob, but it didn’t matter because Trump is a criminal who thinks laws don’t apply to him. Chutkan said she will decide on sanctions if Trump violates the order so now we wait and see. The judge also said that Trump is going to trial in March and no campaign is going to stop that.

More: CNN

Don’t do it

So despite the intensity of that opening screed, it’s still not clear if Gym Jordan has the votes to be speaker or not. They’re gonna vote today and it could go several rounds. There seemed to be a real sense of momentum for the molester protector yesterday but there are still some holdouts. Our advice to those holdouts is don’t vote for this monster to be Speaker of the House. Because if that fucker wins, then it sure seems like elections won’t matter anymore. The insurrectionists will be leading the House. Fingers crossed, everybody.

More: CNN

Go, Joe

Joe Biden is heading to Israel tomorrow. Secretary of State Tony Blinken made the announcement yesterday after negotiating with Netanyahu to guarantee humanitarian aid for Gaza. Biden’s visit is yet another sterling example of him positioning America as a leader on the global stage. The president will also travel to Jordan to discuss how Hamas and Palestinians are not the same. This is a bold and welcome move from the president and we are once again grateful he’s the one in that office at this critical time. And not only that but doing this after he also visited Ukraine would suggest that Dark Brandon is kind of a fearless badass.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

Oprah Winfrey has denied a claim in a new biography about Sen. Mitt Romney that she pitched the Utah Republican on running for president as an independent in 2020 ― with her as his running mate ― to oust Donald Trump from office. More: HuffPost

NBC News is uniting with a pair of strange bedfellows for the third Republican Party primary debate. The Republican National Committee on Monday formally announced that it will partner with the Peacock network to host the Miami face-off, along with the Salem Radio Network and Rumble, two right-wing media companies that have a history peddling and profiting off extremist rhetoric. More: CNN