10.16.23 Dark Brandon rises

Be advised: This newsletter cusses because it can’t cry.

Note: Yikes! That was a pretty sad Be Advised, right? How the heck are you, Sexy Patriots? Is the horrifying news of the world breaking your heart and parking a permanent rain cloud over your spirit? We feel that. We didn’t think news could get any uglier than Trump news but here we are. And it is at times like these, we give thanks. For Republicans. To laugh at.

LOLOL!!!! Oh Mike. Not only is he morally broke, but his campaign is too. It sure is hard to believe that the people who wanted to kill him and his family aren’t giving to his campaign. That was a hard one to predict. If you’re a fucking moron. He also endorsed Gym Jordan for speaker. Apparently Mother thinks it’s ok to cover up a bunch of wrestlers being molested.

Anyway, to call things fucked up right now would be understating them to an exponential degree, and we know that shit takes a toll. So please please please make sure you are taking care of yourself. Turn off the news from time to time, call loved ones and check in on them and never ever ever stop making fun of Mike Pence. LOL. What an absolute fucking loser. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Want more shit to make you smile? Colin Allred outraised Ted Cruz by $2 million last quarter. Weird right? It’s almost like everyone on the planet hates Ted Cruz. Even Ted Cruz. More: Daily Beast

Note three: Obviously this weekend continued to be horrifying in Israel and Gaza and we are still sending love to the innocent people there. And beyond that we don’t know what to say except we wish to hell that people all around the world would stop fucking killing each other and innocent children. We realize how naive and stupid we sound. More: HuffPost

Note four: Joe Biden was supposed to go to Pueblo, Colorado today to tout new green energy investments and make Lauren Boebert look like a goddamn idiot. But he canceled to stay at the White House and focus on national and global security. More: AP

Note five: And the good news is Biden didn’t have to go to Colorado to embarrass Boebert because she does that herself daily like a fucking roomba of self-humiliation.

Note six: We were so sorry to see that Suzanne Somers died. We were also sorry to see she was a Trump supporter. Oh well. Three’s Company was awesome so RIP. More: CNN

Note seven: House Republicans are going to vote again on Tuesday to try and elect a Speaker of the House. After a key flip this morning, it’s looking like it actually might be Gym fucking Jordan. Alabama Republican Mike Rogers said he wanted to work with Democrats and then like an hour later backed Jordan. Sure it’s a disgrace to America, but it’s also soooooooo good for Democrats who want to win elections. More: The Hill

Note eight: Hey Georgia! Polling places are open and early voting is underway in local races. Show up and piss off Moms for Liberty and the other nutjobs. More: AJC

Note nine: Pudding Fingers made an ass of himself again this weekend. Dude has hate oozing out of his pores. You’d think he’d be doing better with a party that loves that sort of thing. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Virginia, we need y’all to come through. Let’s freaking do this!

Note 11: Thank goodness for the corruption and incompetence of Michigan Republicans. We’re seriously starting to think they’re just really really good Democrats. More: Democratic Underground

Note 12: We lost the Louisiana governor’s race this weekend. It’s ok. It was a miracle that we didn’t last time. Let’s just make sure this shit don’t happen in Kentucky. More: AP

Note 13: Mary Lou Retton is said to be making great progress in the ICU. Goddamn we needed to hear that. More: NBC

Note 14: And while we’re talking pop culture, Michael Caine is retiring from acting. What a genius. We might watch Dirty Rotten Scoundrels tonight. More: EW

Note 15: Just a reminder that Joe Biden has strengthened Medicare and enrollment is now open.

Note 16: It’s not breaking news to tell you that Doodie Pooliani is a scumbag. But it is news that a judge is going to tell a jury that. The judge will probably use different words though. More: NBC

Note 17: This is a call to all the cowards, kiss-asses and crap-eaters of the House Republican caucus — it’s time to make Hakeem Jeffries Speaker. More: HuffPost

Note 18: We have NO FUCKING IDEA what that shit was Friday with George Santos and somebody’s baby but good god is the House of Representatives a fucking freakshow these days. More: NY Mag

Note 19: We like to end the notes section on a happy note but we used up all the happy shit in the early notes so we’re just gonna say no we’re not sick of Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s relationship and we hope they are very happy.

Note 20: And on that pathetic note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are hanging in there ok. We know it ain’t easy. But if it helps, please know that a fucked up cussing newsletter loves you very much.

Evil

We just don’t have the goddamn words. But Joe Biden managed to find some. On Sunday night, Joe and Jill put out a statement condemning the stabbing murder of a 6-year-old Palestinian boy by a landlord in Illinois who apparently killed the child because he was a Muslim. You can’t fucking do shit like this and think you’re one of the good guys! God this is so fucking sick. Stop killing kids goddamnit.

More: NBC, NBC Chicago

Gag his orange ass!

Trump isn’t in the courtroom today but Judge Chutkan is hearing arguments as to why Trump should be gagged in the case against him for trying to overthrow the US government. So of course he spent the weekend Truth Socialing about Chutkan and Jack Smith. And while Trump isn’t in the courtroom, Marjorie Taylor Greene is because she ain’t got no job. Or at least she ain’t got one she shows up for. We’re not lawyers but we say gag is ass before he gets more people killed.

More: HuffPost

Dark Brandon rises

Holy freaking shit! Fundraising numbers for the third quarter are rolling in and nobody has put up a bigger number than Joe Biden. Dark Brandon raised a whopping $71.2 million in the third quarter leaving Trump’s number in the dust. Oh and Trump appears to be spending a fortune just to raise money so that makes Biden’s advantage even bigger. This is great and welcome news. Congratulations to the Biden fundraising team.

More: CNN, HuffPost

Today’s clips

The FBI has seen an increase in reported threats in the US amid the Israel-Hamas war, Director Christopher Wray told reporters on a call Sunday. “Here in the US, we cannot and do not discount the possibility that Hamas or other foreign terrorist organizations could exploit the conflict to call on their supporters to conduct attacks on our own soil,” Wray said. More: CNN

The majority of voters in Poland’s general election supported opposition parties that promised to reverse democratic backsliding and repair the nation’s relationship with allies, including the European Union and Ukraine, according to projections Monday. More: HuffPost