10.13.23 Scary times

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like a bunch of Republicans broke the goddamn government.

Note: Oh screw it, Sexy Patriots. Batshit crazy times call for batshit crazy solutions, and we have found the batshit craziest solution of all time. Today TBS is officially throwing its hat in the ring to be the next Speaker of the House. Pretty batshit, right?

We know what you’re thinking — TBS, you’re super hot and all but you’re just a cussing newsletter who couldn’t possibly be Speaker. Well, you’re half right. But we think TBS can do this. Sure it’s just a newsletter that we picture as a cute little piece of paper with adorable little arms and legs and a tiny little necktie and briefcase, but this country elected a fucking gameshow host president so is it really that nuts? Of course not.

So here’s what we’re thinking things should look like after we win. We’ll just tell you right now Republicans aren’t gonna like it. Normal sane people might not either. But let’s see!

• If you helped cover up an attack on the US Capitol, you’re expelled. And you have to put your tongue on the places on the Capitol walls where those jerks smeared their shit.

• There is no dress code for anyone except Gym Jordan. He has to wear a jacket. But he has to wear it over his head.

• Marjorie Taylor Greene can stay if she stops being awful.

• Ok Marjorie Taylor Greene has to go.

• All Republicans gotta show us their fucking birth certificates. We don’t even care what they say but we’re gonna need to see ‘em.

• Some of these fuckers are getting breathalyzers every day. Do they make them for bath salts? Can you get drunk from kissing orange ass?

• Matt Gaetz might be expelled. We’re not sure. Frankly we’re a little worried about our nation’s school children if that creepshow has extra time on his hands.

• No more tax breaks for super rich assholes. From now on, tax breaks for hardworking people and cussing newsletters only.

• Every time a Republican says something racist, they have to put a thousand dollars in the racist asshole jar. We’re gonna build a nationwide high-speed rail system y’all.

• No more debt ceiling bullshit, no more shutdowns and no more long vacations. Let’s start acting like this is an actual fucking job the people pay us to do.

Admit it — all this shit is way more reasonable than you were expecting or what Republicans have suggested and we’ve already done more than Kevin McCarthy. So let’s figure out a way to make this cussing newsletter in your inbox the next Speaker of the House. Or let’s just do the sane thing and elect Hakeem Jeffries. Y’all have a blessed weekend.

Note two: Yeah, “look like.”

Note three: If your eyes are tired of reading TBS, then give your ears a chance! Check out our weekly podcast This Week’s Big Stuff. This week we really go in on the global embarrassment that is the House Republican Caucus. Join us!

Note four: Ron DeSantis attacked Trump over his Israel comments yesterday. Yeah we don’t know who Ron DeSantis is either. Totally forgot. More: HuffPost

Note five: Chuck Schumer is leading a bipartisan group to Israel this weekend. Democrats have been leading in the wake of tragedy. Republicans should give it a try. More: Politico

Note six: And they never heard from Peter Navarro ever again.

Note seven: Robert Menendez and his wife have now been charged for working as agents of another country. Resign, motherfucker! More: CNN

Note eight: Inflation keeps looking better. Unfortunately the rent is still too damn high. More: Politico

Note nine: We’re sending love to the Jewish community today as schools and Synagogues ramp up security. These are scary times. Tell your people you love them. More: NBC

Note 10: Joe Biden is meeting virtually today with the families of Americans being held hostage by Hamas. He just keeps proving that he’s the exact right person for this moment in time. More: NBC

Note 11: He’s also not fucking around with orangey.

Note 12: Yay! It looks like Kaiser Permanente employees have reached a tentative deal to end their strike. Workers are getting theirs! More: CNN

Note 13: This is a good story about Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff stepping up after the attacks on Israel. We’re darn grateful he’s there. More: CNN

Note 14: The State Department is beginning charter flights to get Americans home from the region. If you are trying to get someone home, call your local member of Congress’s office. More: ABC

Note 15: Sean Hannity went after Vivek Ramaswamy last night and accidentally got some on Trump. We were gonna post the video but then we remembered we really like y’all. More: HuffPost

Note 16: LOLOL! AOC from way downtown!

Note 17: If you’re getting our news from the Epoch Times, you should probably stop. It doesn’t even cuss. More: NBC

Note 18: Wow! Just click on this and read the headline. It’s quite a journey. A truly fucked up journey. More: Media Matters

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note and earlier we mentioned Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff. What we didn’t mention is that today is his birthday. Happy birthday!!!

Note 20: And on that celebratory note, let’s go do some news! We know this has been a hard week and we hope y’all are holding up ok. We love y’all and we’ll see you back here Monday. Take care of your hot selves please:)

What a mess

While the world burns so too does the Republican Party. House Republicans continue to struggle to do the bare minimum and elect a speaker after Steve Scalise dropped out yesterday. Since then Gym Jordan has been making a big push for the job but he doesn’t seem to have the votes. The caucus is meeting this morning to try and figure out a way forward but we don’t have a whole lot of hope that’s going to work out. We’re all expecting them to just put some empty caretaker nobody in the job. It sure is shocking that these morons can’t govern. Oh wait. No it’s not.

More: HuffPost

Thank you, John

John Fetterman has been on a roll lately, roasting Republicans at every turn. And this week was no exception as Fetterman joined Stephen Colbert as a guest on the Tonight Show. And while we really did the man’s zingers, it’s his advocacy for mental health that has us cheering the most. Thank you, Senator, for leading in a way that feels accessible. No wonder the people in the ivory towers hate him so much.

More: HuffPost

Scary times

Israel has ordered the evacuation of more than 1 million people from Gaza in 24 hours. It’s pretty scary shit because it’s obviously hard to move that many people that fast and nobody knows where they would go. We feel Israel’s pain right now and we sure understand that terrorists must be dealt with. But we hope like hell that officials are able to find a way to do that without killing lots of innocent people. God this is all so fucking heartbreaking.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

The U.S. Capitol Police on Thursday briefed several progressive House members about security measures in place following an increase in violent threats against them in the days after Saturday’s surprise attack on Israel, according to a new report. More: HuffPost

Randy Roedema, one of the Aurora, Colorado, police officers who arrested Elijah McClain, an unarmed 23-year-old Black man who died after he was subdued by police and injected with ketamine by paramedics in 2019, was found guilty of criminally negligent homicide and assault by a jury on Thursday. More: CNN