10.12.23 The next domino

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it lives in Nancy Mace’s district. Can you fucking imagine?

Pre-Note: HEY OHIO! ABORTION IS ON THE BALLOT THIS NOVEMBER! ARE YOU EARLY VOTING? More: AP

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the eff are you today? Better than the shit-eating dumbasses who can’t elect a Speaker of the House? Well of course you are. Yeah, our national embarrassment is still underway and it will almost definitely get worse when they actually elect someone.

It’s still a toss-up and the freakshow who covered up those wrestlers getting molested is still very much in the running. The caucus, however, voted yesterday for “David Duke without the baggage” to be speaker. Yeah, it’s as fucked up as it sounds. So we talked to David Duke with the baggage to see what he thinks. (Note within a note: If David Duke is still alive, then he’s probably desperate enough to sue a cussing newsletter. So we should be clear that this is not an interview with David Duke. It is an interview with David Duke with baggage. There is a difference, your honor.)

TBS: What’s up, asshole? Got a lot of baggage there. Going somewhere?

David Duke with the baggage: Yep, straight to hell. That’s what happens to us racist scumbags.

TBS: That’s a shocking amount of self-awareness for a former grand frogfucker or whatever y’all call yourselves.

DDWTB: It’s imperial frogfucker but thanks.

TBS: Whatever. So what do you think of you without the baggage being the Republican pick to be Speaker of the House?

DDWTB: To be honest, it’s pretty fucked up. I mean even without this baggage I’m still a really rotten piece of human garbage. I wouldn’t even piss on myself if I was on fire. I’m seriously the worst.

TBS: Again, we are stunned by your self-awareness. So you’re not in favor of Scalise becoming speaker?

DDWTB: Oh I totally am but I’m also a racist piece of shit. It just seems like normal non-assholes really aren’t gonna be cool with this.

TBS: Well you got that right. Ok, fuckhead, enjoy hell.

DDWTB: Thanks!

So there you have it. Even David Duke with the baggage thinks it’s a mistake to make Steve Scalise speaker. But we’re betting the attack-the-Capitol people won’t agree. Oh well. Let’s be sure to thank them for helping us show the American people who they really are. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: It’s cool. It ain’t like the whole fucking world is on fire.

Note three: Nancy Mace went on CNN yesterday and said there are Democrats who trust Gym Jordan. Nancy Mace is a fucking liar. More: The Hill

Note four: Yesterday the White House smacked Russia for refusing to condemn Hamas terrorists. They should’ve just waited a day so they could add Trump to the statement. But more on that later. More: Axios

Note five: George Santos is very angry Steve Scalise didn’t call him and beg for his vote so he threw a tantrum on twitter last night. Maybe it should be bigger news that the Republican Party is an unserious pants-shitting disaster. More: NY Post

Note six: We know there’s a lot going on right now but please don’t forget we still have to defeat this racist ass-brained lunatic.

Note seven: Today marks 25 years since Matthew Shepard was murdered for being gay. We don’t have anything clever to say. It still breaks our hearts and makes us want to punch a hole in the wall. Especially with all the attacks our LGBTQ+ friends are still having to fucking deal with. Sending love to Matthew’s family. More: NBC

Note eight: You probably know this by now, but we did not win the Powerball. If you did, please consider sponsoring a cussing newsletter. We have one in mind. More: ABC

Note nine: Back on the speaker thing for a minute, did y’all see that Marjorie Taylor Greene won’t vote for Scalise because he has cancer? Seriously what the fuck is wrong with these people?! More: Business Insider

Note 10: Zelensky wants to visit Israel. Good on him. This should definitely happen. The world needs to know who stands where. More: Axios

Note 11: We’ve linked to Axios twice and the New York Post once today. We don’t feel great about it.

Note 12: Sure looks like a corrupt and broken SCOTUS is going to uphold a racial gerrymander in South Carolina. We should’ve known the Alabama case would stand alone. More: Vox

Note 13: Speaking of our corrupt and broken SCOTUS, ProPublica has an important look at the guy who corrupted and broke it. No, it’s not a profile of Mitch McConnell. More: ProPublica

Note 14: LOLOL!!! Remember how we told you about how Wisconsin Assembly Speaker Robin Vos asked three conservative former members of the state Supreme Court to weigh in on his plan to impeach Judge Janet? Well a second member just came out and said they should not impeach. This Vos guy is our kind of enemy — dumber than dog shit. More: AP

Note 15: There are a lot of news stories that piss us off and make our blood boil. This one made us piss straight fire. More: AP

Note 16: Yeah, ain’t nobody ever wanted to get high with this dork. And he’s still mad about it.

Note 17: Thank you to Dame Magazine for calling out the media’s bullshit attacks on Vice President Harris. Gosh, we sure wonder what it is about her that they hate so much. More: Dame Magazine

Note 18: The UAW ain’t fucking around. We continue to have their backs. More: HuffPost

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note so here’s video of Tommy Tuberville falling down some stairs…

Note 20: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news! It’s been a week, SPs, so make sure you’re being good to yourself. You deserve it. For being so sexy and so patriotic. We’ll see you back here tomorrow. Love y’all!

Thank you, Tony

While the Republican Party goes the other way (more on that in a minute), the Biden administration is standing with Israel. This morning Secretary of State Tony Blinken is in Israel meeting with officials and victims and their families. In remarks while appearing with Netanyahu, Blinken noted that he is also Jewish and his family has known the horrors of antisemitism before. As horrible and fucked up as everything is, we are grateful to have steady, strong and compassionate people leading our nation right now.

More: Reuters

The next domino

HuffPo has taken a look at one of the most critical battlegrounds in the country — the fight for abortion rights in Virginia. We are less than four weeks away from Election Day 2023. There are so many important races that aren’t on big radar screens, and Virginia is one of them. Because if Glen Youngkin can flip the Senate, then he will immediately pass an abortion ban. He wants to be president and he thinks this is how he’ll win over his party. It’s also why he would lose a general election but that won’t mean shit to the women of Virginia who have their basic human rights stripped from them by a cheap politician. So let’s get to work, leave it all out on the field and win this fucking race.

More: HuffPost

What the unholy fuck?!

So while the Biden administration has been standing with Israel, Trump decided to go another way. In utterly deranged remarks last night, Trump attacked Netanyahu and praised Hezbollah as “smart.” Yeah, apparently Trump is mad that Bibi has said nice things about Biden and even recognized Dark Brandon as the legitimate president of the United States. And that’s all it takes to get Trump to stand with terrorists. It’s pretty fucking nuts that so much of this race has been about Biden’s age when Trump does shit like this every goddamn night. Maybe this will finally get the attention this crazy shit deserves.

More: NBC

Today’s clips

Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis once again shot down House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) on Wednesday, calling his ongoing attempts to wade into the prosecution of former President Donald Trump “ignorant,” “troubling” and an abuse of power. More: HuffPost

A jury will meet again Thursday to continue mulling a verdict in the trial of two Colorado police officers who arrested Elijah McClain, an unarmed 23-year-old Black man who died in 2019 after being subdued by officers and injected by paramedics with ketamine. More: CNN

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