10.11.23 George Santos might be in trouble

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it’s brought to you by the letters F and U.

Note: Do you hear that, Sexy Patriots? Do you hear that familiar sound? It’s a gutless Washington coward beating on his little war drum and calling for more bloodshed…

Well fuck that. And fuck him too. We don’t know about y’all but we’re still trying like hell to wrap our goddamn minds around the evil and horrors we’ve learned about in the last 72 hours. And this sonofabitch is out here calling for war with Iran?! Seems real fucking helpful. But we’ll play along. So today we’re going to introduce some legislation. Yes, cussing newsletters are allowed to do that. Read the constitution.

Today we would like to introduce the YFMF Bill. It stands for You First Motherfucker. Basically if Lindsey wants to go to war in Iran, then he has to get out his little gun and go first. Before literally any other American or anyone else goes to war, Lindsey has to go first. We don’t think he’s gonna like it. We hear it’s very different from the movies.

Yes, there is heinous, shocking evil afoot and it must be dealt with. But the last thing anybody needs to do is to listen to some chickenshit kiss-ass who’s been horny for war with Iran for decades. So fuck off, Lindsey. If you wanna fight Iran, go ahead, bro. We’ll help buy you a plane ticket. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Secretary of State Tony Blinken is headed to Israel to show US support. This is how grown-ups and world leaders handle shit. They don’t go on tv and call for war. More: Politico

Note three: Today is National Coming Out Day. If you choose to come out today, please know that TBS will be here with a great big virtual hug and high five to say hell yeah we’re so freaking happy you’re ready and feel safe enough to be the real you. And if you choose not to come out today, that’s ok too. We love you either way.

Note four: Elon Musk made twitter a hive of bullshit misinformation because that’s his favorite meal. More: NBC

Note five: We cannot express how hard this made us laugh when we saw it just after dipshit got indicted another 10 times yesterday. And by dipshit here we’re talking about Santos. Though Jordan is a dipshit too.

Note six: Special Counsel Jack Smith would like a judge to protect jurors from a former president of the United States. Read that again and try not to leak any melted brain out of your nose. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Hey remember when Trump leaked all that classified information and stole all that classified information and kept all that classified information in the pooper at this gross shitty club? Yeah we do too. More: HuffPost

Note eight: WaPo is laying off 240 people. So get ready for shitty coverage to get way worse and bad people to get away with more bad shit. More: NPR

Note nine: Republicans in North Carolina are trying to steal elections. Hope they like courtrooms. More: Politico

Note 10: Yeah, she ain’t read that book. Nobody on our staff did either. Probably burnt it before they could.

Note 11: RFK Jr raised $11 million for his super PAC in six hours. Or so they say. They also think vaccines will make you glow in the dark. So you know, take that shit with a grain of salt. More: Politico

Note 12: It is pretty darn hilarious watching Republicans who loved them some RFK a week ago not absolutely freak the fuck out. LOL. Welcome to the race, freak! More: AP

Note 13: We realize there are more pressing and less nauseating issues but are we seriously just moving on from the whole Matt-Gaetz-snorts-crushed-up-boner-pills story?

Note 14: Mary Lou Retton is reportedly “fighting for her life.” It’s one of those news stories that snuck up on us and kicked us in the junk. Sending love and strength! More: CNN

Note 15: Democrats are just better people.

Note 16: Tommy Tuberville is a gutless punk. And that’s the nicest thing we can think to say about him. More: The Hill

Note 17: The disgrace that is the US Supreme Court decided not to fuck with libel laws. But Clarence Thomas really really wanted them to. More: CNN

Note 18: Kari Lake is launching her campaign by pretending she ain’t MAGA. Well she ain’t governor neither so lol. But seriously does she think everyone is gonna forget she’s been working as a statue at Mar-a-Lago for the last two years? More: HuffPost

Note 19: We like to end on a good note. We’re not sure this qualifies. We’re sorry we haven’t written this before, but we don’t think you’ll be surprised to hear it. It turns out that Sarah Huckabee Sanders is a giant pile of corrupt razorback poop. More: AP

Note 20: And on that gross note, let’s go do some news! Sexy Patriots, it’s been a minute since the news was as horrifying and upsetting as it is right now. Please make sure you are taking care of your mental health. Don’t be afraid to turn off the news or take a day off from TBS. Just one though. We’ll be here when you’re ready. Love y’all!

What?!

We hate to break this to y’all, but it turns out that Rep. George Santos is a real rotten sonofabitch. Yeah, we’re shocked too. Yesterday, just a few hours after that fucking hilarious endorsement of Gym Jordan’s speaker bid, Santos got hit with some superceding indictments for just straight up stealing from his campaign donors. Among other things. Santos gathered some reporters today to tell them he isn’t guilty, he won’t take a plea deal, he won’t resign and he’s running for re-election. Says a lot about the press these days that that little shit had no worries about sitting them all down to lie to their faces. Anyway, thanks again to Republicans for keeping this criminal embarrassment around.

More: CBS

Like we’ve all been saying

Gym Jordan is a fucking creep who didn’t do shit when Ohio State wrestlers were being molested. And that ain’t just us saying it. It’s the wrestlers. And they are speaking out to say that Gym SHOULD NOT be Speaker of the House. Yeah, House Republicans are meeting behind closed doors today to try and do the bare minimum of governing and elect a new speaker. One of the guys they’re considering to be the new Dennis Hastert sounds a lot like the old Dennis Hastert. Is it crazy that we’re kinda rooting for the GOP to pick this asshole just so we can show the world exactly who and what they are?

More: NBC

Thank you, Joe

If you didn’t see it, go back and watch President Biden’s speech yesterday about Israel. It was the clarity, the compassion and the conviction that the world needed to hear. Biden unequivocally condemned the heinous terrorist shit we keep learning about, he promised Israel we would have her back and he asked Congress to quit fucking around and get a security assistance package put together. He phrased that last part differently but it’s pretty much the same message. Right now America is being very clear where it stands. It’s a nice change of pace from Kim Jong Un’s penpal.

More: Axios

Today’s clips

Editor's note: This story includes images some people may find distressing.

DALLAS — Miranda Michel’s eyes popped open on the operating table, panic gripping her body. Was she too late? Doctors had said her twins might only survive two or three minutes. She didn’t know if they’d already been born, how much time had passed, if she had missed it entirely, if they were already gone. More: Texas Tribune