10.10.23 Dark Brandon leads

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it wants to weep for the world but prefers to use the word fuck instead.

Pre-note: IF YOU LIVE IN OHIO OR KENTUCKY, TODAY IS THE DEADLINE TO REGISTER TO VOTE AND THERE IS A TON OF IMPORTANT SHIT IN YOUR STATE THAT YOUR HOT ASS REALLY NEEDS TO VOTE ON. THANK YOU. WE’LL STOP YELLING NOW.

Note: Sexy Patriots, we usually know what to say. In fact, we usually always know what to say to the point that we don’t mind throwing in some motherfuckers and shitheads and some goddamns to make it sound emphatic. So much of American politics has become really fucking obvious these last few years that it ain’t hard for us to look at what’s going on here at home and comment in a hilarious and obscene fashion.

But we honestly don’t know what the fuck to say about what is happening in the Middle East right now. Yeah, we didn’t know we could be speechless either. So let’s start with some basic shit — We don’t want innocent people to die or hurt and we honestly don’t care who they are. Can we also say that we stand with Israel but we think Netanyahu is just like Trump and so we don’t like him? Can we say fuck Hamas? Can we say that dead kids are dead kids and it’s not fucking ok? Can we say kidnappings and executions and attacking fucking music festivals is not ok? Can we say all those things?

Because the reality is we don’t know what to say. It’s all so shocking and horrible and our hearts are fucking broken and we hate the dirtbag politicians and media in this country who just want to make fucked up situations even more fucked up. So we will say we want peace. We will say we love Israel and we want to defend it. We will say we stand with the innocent no matter where they are. And when it comes to those dirtbag politicians and media, we’ll have a lot fucking more to say. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Wow! Will Hurd dropped out of the presidential race. Also, someone named Will Hurd was apparently in the presidential race. This must be very hard on his supporter. More: HuffPost

Note three: Trump canceled his proposed trip to Capitol Hill. He’s probably just lazy and full of shit, but we like to think he read TBS last week and it scared his orange ass off. More: The Hill

Note four: We’ll just be real honest with you Sexy Patriots — if we hit this powerball, TBS might publish once a month. Might. More: CNN

Note five: Just a reminder that while the world is in chaos, so is the goddamn Republican Party…

Note six: Btw, while we were away, Kevin McCarthy said he would like to be speaker again. Sigh. Are we seriously gonna keep doing this? It’s like playing duck, duck, dumbshit. And they’re all it. More: CNBC

Note seven: This is a cool story about new US Senator Laphonza Butler. More: CNN

Note eight: Republicans want a fight in California for that Senate seat. Or maybe they just want us to spend money there. Either way, let’s get ready to fight. More: NBC

Note nine: Joe Biden was interviewed by the special counsel about his classified docs thingy. To be honest, we forgot all about this. Nice of him to just sit for the interview and not threaten anyone or try to destroy the entire US legal system. More: NBC

Note 10: Lookin’ good, House Republicans!

Note 11: Here’s a feel-good story about Moms for Liberty meeting their match. To be honest we thought it was going to be a story about big words or soap. More: Salon

Note 12: Trump losing his shit over Forbes dumping him off its gross rich asshole list is just too perfect. And it doesn’t sound like something Hitler would say so that’s a nice change of pace from him. More: The Hill

Note 13: We’re almost caught up on emails. We feel like total dicks for getting so far behind. If we still missed yours, please holler at us again. We’re a small team here and Sam is basically useless.

Note 14: While we’re being needy, we need y’all to get the new COVID shot. Get a flu shot too. Winter is coming and we want y’all to be ready. And yeah we realize the whole winter is coming thing is a little overwrought. But we like you and we hope you’ll get it.

Note 15: Powerful.

Note 16: Gavin Newsom vetoed a bill that would have decriminalized psychedelic drugs. So the governor of California is continuing the war on drugs. Not cool, man. Not cool. More: AP

Note 17: Remember how that corrupt criminal piece of shit AG got acquitted in Texas after he was impeached? Well now he’s using his office to go after the people who impeached him. What a totally normal and healthy state. More: Texas Tribune

Note 18: The world is in flames and Tommy Tuberville is still fucking with the US military. Maybe Senate Democrats should stop putting up with this bullshit. More: NBC

Note 19: Y’all know we like to end on a good note so here’s a great note. Last week we talked about what a superstar Simone Biles is. And then she went out and won another world title and became the most decorated gymnast in history. Soak it in, y’all. People like this don’t come along that often. More: ABC

Note 20: And on that inspiring note, let’s go do some news! We hope your week is off to a great start. We know the real world has gone and gotten scary as a motherfucker again, but please keep your head up. We’ll do the best we can to help with lots of cussing and poop jokes. Love y’all!

Faceplant

You know how Wisconsin voters just elected a new liberal judge? And you know how almost immediately state Republicans started talking about impeaching her because she might fuck with their corrupt gerrymandering? Well Assembly Speaker Robin Vos hit a bit of a roadblock in his bullshit yesterday as one of the conservative judges he asked to sit on a committee about impeaching Judge Janet said she should not be impeached. LOL! And this conservative judge is a real piece of shit! State Republicans can still go ahead and try to impeach Judge Janet for nothing but we have a hunch voters there won’t forget it. So go ahead and make our day or shut the fuck up and let the woman work.

More: Beloit Daily News

Derp your enthusiasm

If all hell hadn’t broken loose the opening note was just gonna be a cussing newsletter pissing itself laughing at what an incompetent freakshow RFK Jr. is. He officially stopped running for president as a Democrat this week so he can instead run as an independent. But let’s be honest — he ain’t been a Democrat for a long time. So yesterday he had his big launch and he forgot his speech and then he tried to read it upside-down and yeah he’s just really smart and really good at this. Anyway, his whole family is out calling him a clown and that might be true because it’s really fucking hilarious that now that he’s running as an indie, Trumpworld are no longer the big fans they were. Oh well. Sucks for them.

More: HuffPost

Leading

Despite what you might have heard on Fox News, Joe Biden is leading in this dark moment for the world. Yesterday the White House released a joint statement from the US and her allies condemning the attacks on Israel and promising to help the country defend itself. Today the president will make remarks on the situation. This is the president we need right now. Calm. Clear-eyed. Not tweeting. Not stupid. So fuck Fox News. Keep leading, Brandon.

More: NBC, White House

Today’s clips

Special counsel Jack Smith is pushing back against former President Donald Trump's bid to delay his trial on charges of mishandling classified information until after the 2024 election, saying there's no "credible justification" to do so. More: NBC

As Donald Trump’s longtime finance chief, Allen Weisselberg helped spare the former president’s real estate empire from its last existential threat, staving off insolvency after casino bankruptcies and an airline failure in the 1990s. More: HuffPost